FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| simpleplan13 2007-02-18 ch 1,  | abuseI like this a lot... all the images are beautiful... amazing piece... I also really like the title |
| heroin zombie 2007-01-16 ch 1, | abuseYou use hyphens way too much. In moderation they can be alright, but since they create too much of a gap in the flow of words it’s hard to use them successfully. Also, the way in which you use hyphens to tack on bits of writing isn’t good at all. A comma would be better suited for that, but in any case it’s stupid and makes the poem sound jerky. The rhythm is further ruined by the lack of smoothness, caused mostly by your weird desire to put a period at the end of each line. Protip: enjambment is very important. I can’t stress that enough. It’s very, very important. But aside from all that, your imagery is just plain boring. I mean, honestly now. Good grief. |