|Reviews for The Coriolis Effect, Part One|
| Burnt Bread 2/25/07 . chapter 2
Guarg! Sorry I'm late, but I'm here - definitely here!
Firstly, I admit to liking thi start better than the other start. There's alot more information crammed into alot less space. I think though the interactions Kris and Justin (and to a lesser but equally important extent, Kris and the bar people) have, much of their universe is explored - something I like to see in a story.
It's clear that you definately thought things out more, things that needed to be fleshed are fleshing nicely. Character development has improved slightly this time round.
Trademark dialogue chunks. The more I read them, the more they work. Especially in the first chapter as a lead in to Kris's character, dialogue works well there. Notice though that you do have a substantial amout of not-talking dispersed through out. This makes the story considerably fuller than the assasin's series you've got going. Longer chapters too. Points for you.
Specifically, the theories about Crane interest me. I can't quite pin point why though, but I know I've read something like that somewhere.
In the previous story, you got into the action parts much faster. It was a strong driving point there and you should be careful not to drag on too much with seemingly trivial stuffs (even if it's just setting up the story) otherwise audience might lose interest.
Sorry that I can't give you a more in depth review about specific aspects of this story, but know that it is on the right track I think.
Is there going to be a bit more political intrigue in this version?
I will be lurking -
| The Ascended Ancient 1/24/07 . chapter 2
Interesting new approach. I hope you finish revising it soon and get on to new stuff, because I'm anxious to find out what happens.
| Solemn Coyote 1/20/07 . chapter 2
Alright, well, getting around to this review pretty much took me forever. Sorry 'bout the wait. Here it is.
1)“Hurry hurry hurry!” I'm not sure about the rules on this, but I think there has to be punctuation after every 'hurry'. Grammer has never been my strong point.
2)"Keach was, as usual, sitting by himself, sketching something." Nice character quirk.
3)"Most likely out of concern" 'concern' is usually more of a warm, huggy sorta worry. It feels kinda off here. I can't for the life of me think of how to rephrase this sentence, though.
4)"Eye candy male lead Jaston Fencer broke an alien’s grip on his shirt, ripping the fabric wide open in the process, and then punched it in it’s ugly, buggy face. The alien gurgled and went down hard, bleeding black ichor all over the floor." Lovely line. The story's a sci-fi, but the characters all admit that aliens are ridiculous.
5)"and works appeared, literature, courses at universities, and even vids, like the one they were watching." Very McDevott of you, and nice world-building besides. It makes sense that every universe will have it's own unsolved mysteries. Not everything gets resolved over time.
6)"Coriolis Capitol stadium," very subtle name-drop. Nice.
7)"I’d have feinted illness or something," Although 'feinted' works, 'feigned' is probably what you're going for. It's basically the same thing, but without the swordy connotations.
8)"he grinned to show jest" That's a little...um...classical. Maybe 'he grinned to show it was a jest' or even 'he grinned, confirming it was a joke'.
9) Nice paralell between the soccer and the draft. I wouldn't have thought of that. However, you might do well to intersperse the soccer game with the conversation. i.e. Kris says something, Lechley does something, Justin responds, the goalie does something, etc. It might flow a little more smoothly than the well-written sports-blob you have there.
10) Post another chapter soon. Or get back to work on Creed. You need to finish stories.
| Solemn Coyote 1/10/07 . chapter 1
Alright. Draft two, go.
1) A character quirk for Kris in the first couple of paragraphs? Nice. You've always written very character-driven military fiction.
2)“So, your friend said you are both with the infantry?” Maybe a 'you're' instead of 'you are'? He sounds a little formal for an annoying man in a bar.
3)"she said, knowing as soon as left her mouth that she had made it sound like she was even remotely interested." That's a little wordy, and it's missing an 'it'. Maybe 'knowing as soon as it left her mouth that she had made it sound like she was interested.'
4)"Beard started coughing, as whatever he had been drinking made it suddenly hard to breathe. Ammons looked betrayed." Nice.
5) "None of them wanted to die on a planet far from home fighting against a rebellion they had never heard about before landing on Carthage. It was something they had been ordered into." Cool. It's details like that that prevent your characters from becoming military superheroes. Even though their exploits are impressive, their motives are human.
6)"She had forgotten. Justin had reminded her earlier today that the regional futball championship was tonight" So you went with soccer, not grand melee. Ah, well. Can't win 'em all.
7)"'You complained a last week when William didn’t have the money on him,' Justin pointed out" Scratch the 'a' after 'complained'.
8) This is leagues better than the first draft, but it still has all of the same elements. It's just more polished. Keep writing this.
| EnderWinner 1/9/07 . chapter 2
Well written, and the little aside involving the movie fit rather well into the overall story. You have my attention.
| Clarence Boddicker 1/9/07 . chapter 2
While this is a good start to a story, it was fairly heavy on exposition. You know the kind; where it's just stuck in the middle of a conversation ("I enjoy fish," he said. A fish is an animal that swims. "Yes, and I as well," she answered.). I think that it would probably sound better if you made them seem more of a thought that is happening than a fact that is known, if that makes any sense? As it is it isn't bad, but I think you could make it better.
Not really a writing issue at all, but...credits? It's not that they are necessarily a bad idea, but that they are somewhat over done in scifi, and usually not the good kind. But it doesn't really matter much.
I think that's all I wanted to say. Except that you're summary is awesome. Made me want to read the story, anyway.
| Sakka-Fenikkusu 1/9/07 . chapter 1
You didn't take my advice. And I didn't get to be the first reviewer. And it isn't fair. Wah.
This is a pretty strong beginning - Kristanna is a believeable character and I feel myself already sympathizing for her. The descriptions are plentiful and I didn't spot any flaws at this point.
I'll read Ch. 2 in a bit. I'm kind of supposed to be watching a cheesy family movie. So, until next time.
| Grevling 1/9/07 . chapter 1
Oh, very nice start. I liked the way you introduced the bar - it gave me a vivid image of the setting and a good backdrop for the characters. I also like how you revealed things about your characters slowly, through actions and feelings, rather than just telling the reader straight out. I like it, and I can't wait for more!