Reviews for mi madre tu madre

Camilleta
2007-02-02
ch 1,

abuseI can't say I understand your stuff at all, so I don't know what to comment about except that it sounds nice. I think it would be good as a song.

Midnight In Eden
2007-01-09
ch 1,

abuseYou're very all over the place with capitalisation and punctuation. You use some, then you don't. It's so haphazard I'd recommend reading through and completely punctuating it. Then also perhaps capitalising it or taking out all capitals.

As it stands now as well, the words completely in capital letters read as irritating. It's an amateur way to emphasis, bolding or even italicizing would work better and I rarely recommend that.

It's rather staccato and as such I think your denser paragraphs could get much more cut up with line breaks. For example your first stanza:

fingerprints so improbable,
each line taking time
miniscule looking behind
but then infentessimal
nine months in total

second stanza:

this stomach is comforting,
if i stay a while
would you please take
these shakes
from shoulders that are fitted
to a torso that i
s twisted, accomodating guts
which process nutrition
and porcelein bones
not half as precious
moreso because you made them,
moreso because you gave them

While it would make it longer, I think it would help with your flow. Just an idea.

In stanza four, I think you could definitely get rid of the "and" in the second line (and most of the "and"s in the stanza). Start it afresh, with disconnected listing of her "failures".

Your content isn't bad, I do quite like your description in stanza two. I think your last three lines are a bit of a letdown though. It's too well "soft and sweet" (which is also a vomit inducing cliche) for what you've set your piece up to be.

I think a tight edit would make this a lot more cohesive and flowing with a more staccato, disconnected flow which is what I think this needs.

Hopefully this helps.

.:midnight:.

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