Reviews for Open Your Eyes - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Open Your Eyes

Patronus Rainsong 2008-07-10 ch 2,	abuseAwsome! Love your characters, they are so intersiting. I hope you update soon! ~Patronus~
Deprecor 2007-04-06 ch 2,	abuse"my project know to the world." Known. "a few months time." Months' "(Sigh)" It's kind of awkward with the elegance of sentence structure in the rest of this to read something left for chat-speak. Try a sentence for that. "such as a six." It would be "the six". Again, check punctuation and grammar.
Deprecor 2007-04-06 ch 1,	abuseOkay, going to review this and then happily add this story to my C2. I'll leave comments as I read. "No I’m not dead." There should be a comma after 'no'. Also check for missing punctuation in other instances that I won't point out (like periods and such). "What species am I? ** Sapient." No 't', unless my grasp of science had suddenly slipped. "I wonder when I learnt to communicate with people in my mind." At this point in time, she hasn't learned that those voices are other people (if they are), only knowing that they are voices in her mind, which can be a psychological disorder, so it'd be inaccurate for her to conclude that. Also, 'learnt' should be 'learned'. "His voice sounds just like that voice in my head. It’s him I realize. " Two things, one relating to this sentence, the other the one quoted below. Firstly: It needs a comma after 'him'. "That sounds vaguely familiar. I can’t remember where I’ve heard it before but it doesn’t matter right now." Secondly: She just said in the previous paragraph that she recognizes the voice as the one in her head, so, if that is true, why did she not come to this conclusion earlier? "his voice is claming and soothing" Umm 'clamming' and 'calming' have different meanings, but either way, it's spelled incorrectly. Do you have some sort of spellchecker? If not, I recommend downloading one (they're free). " “You are chosen ones.” " Two things once again, but both pertaining to this quote. It should be, if plural, "You are the chosen ones." But one question with plural: Isn't there only one of her? If not, hint that there are multiple beings in her mind beforehand. If singular, use: "You are the chosen one." " “Heed my words for they are important. They are words you must carry with you wherever it is you might go. I AM special. I AM chosen. I AM what I was destined to be. I will become great. I will become what you never thought I could be.” " Sounds a bit cliche. Just pointing that out, please don't take offense (subtlety is not my strong suit) I am just noticing this now, but there are inconsistencies between past and present tense. Check/fix that. "‘It’s you puppet’" your, not 'you'. "Me, myself, and I." "I am my past, present, and future." I have heard these phrases many times before, read them too, in both unpublished and published works like movies/books, and suggest changing them to something original. "Then there’s Leon. He’s a geek." LOL Sorry, but there's a guy named that at my school and he's really smart. "He is Salathar Midgins." The first thought in my mind is 'Harry Potter'. And I'm sure most readers would think that too, especially with his pale skin, blue eyes, and scar. It's not a crime or anything, but can hinder you if you want to get published. "show I it self to us" Clarify? "behind this mask I put up for the world to see." What mask? She doesn't describe life like she pretends to be happy, as she is not. So... please elaborate a bit more on that? This is a good start though there are confusing contradictions tucked within. I'll review the next chapter shortly.
CHIIJOY 2007-01-10 ch 1,	abuseI really like the starting of this story. Please update soon. :D

Return to Top