Hey, sorry it took me too long to review this chapter; I just don't get to a computer too often. Anyway, I'm really starting to like this story. Though, and this is only constructive criticism, this story seems a bit choppy. Like there's not enough description and explanation. Think of it this way; we know what the characters are saying, we just don't know where they're saying it, and how. Things seem a bit forced, where as it should just flow to the point where the reader can’t tell their reading anything until they stop for a second to realize it.

…Well, that really sounded confusing. Sorry, but that was the best way I could explain it. Also, I apologize if I’m being insulting. I don’t mean to, I’m just trying to help.

Anyway, I hope you update soon.

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VGT

This is a good, story, I hope that you update soon. Also, I hope that you don't mind that I added your story to my C2. If so, let me know and I'll remove it.

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VGT

I love it! Already getting to the good stuff I see. I can't wait to hear more of this goodness

Not bad so far. It certainly is interesting. There's a few things you could work on, but nothing too serious. To be helpful, though, I'll point out a few flaws for you.

Okay, its usually a good idea to not put "..." as a sentence by itself. That's more of a thing for voiceless rpg games than novels. Try just saying that Kai paused or something like that.

Another thing is that you should be careful when using ellipsis. Sometimes is fine, but don't overdo it. Punctuation shouldn't stand out, because it'll take the focus away from the story itself.

This could've used a little more description of the settings and such, but that's not exactly necessary. Its just more of a suggestion.

Overall, its not a bad first chapter. This looks like it could be a pretty good story.