Wow.

You have really good imagery, but you might want to watch out for repitition. :/

I think that it would be really cool if you lengthened the story, and gave it more twists and stuff. It has a really good start!

awesome things:
-imagery
-general plot
-diction

things to work on:
-repition
-rambling
-clarity

very nice. n__n

~lorkinz~

Dick Fuldred
Let's get together.

That's crazy. I laughed.

"In his spare time, he also likes to eat cookies made of/by children."

Hilarious.