I like this, but I can't picture it as a song.
I too, (sorta try to) write songs and I'm not very good at the writing part, but I can make the music. I just can't put this together as music. But, I like it very much as simply a peice or writing.
Anyways, I've read a lot of your other stuff too but idk I feel weird reviewing more than one peice normally so uhh don't ask why I chose this one. I guess because it's one I didn't really like and it's easier to start off with not liking something than liking it. At least for me.
But the rest of your work is really good too. Nice rhythm and a lot of feeling.
So okay. Good job. ~Always, Sara.