FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Aimers 2007-03-11 ch 1,   | "Breath's enough to kill, Yeah he's dressed to kill." I love those two lines. If only you could set it to music; it'd be a KILLER song. :) |
| Nemonus 2007-01-21 ch 1, | No, not cheesy. Easy to understand, but it's not typical either. I liked the first stanza the best; it has somewhat of a fantasy feel to it. Overall, starting with that very physical basis the story of the poem is nicely grounded. Pretty good rhythm, though it changes around. Your comparison of the ocean to the guy's "breaking" is just almost subtle enough to be truly good poetic license. But I can't even spell 'license' I don't think, so don't trust me on things. :) Good job. |
| Surfing Dog 2007-01-21 ch 1, | It is straight forward but not cheesy at all. I truely enjoyed it, keep up the good work. |
| WickedSilence 2007-01-21 ch 1, | Although you think the theme is a bit cheesy, I think the way in which you approached it was different. It grabbed my attention. I truly like the images you employed, the "rocky coast" and the repetition create a physical incarnation the guy's feelings. It really is superb, even if the phrasing is overly simple in my view. There was one expression that confused me a bit, however: line 1, "he's cheek against the counter." Do you literally mean that the guy IS cheek against the counter or that HIS cheek is against the counter. Both work, I think, but I was wondering nonetheless. All around, nice piece. Never stop writing! |
| notated descant. 2007-01-21 ch 1, | I can't explain it... the way this is written is so mtaphorical, and though there seems to b ome sort of a serious tone resonating in it, it has a small playful sense as well. Very well done! Keep on writing! |