Reviews for Soaring On Broken Wings

Reviews For: Soaring On Broken Wings

ecwix 2007-04-21 ch 3,	A few notes: Of course, you don't have to take any of the advice :p. -- "It was common for the Keepers to be apart for long periods of time but if one called, the others would gather within a few days." You seem to be missing a comma or something after "time", since you're sticking together two independent clauses. -- "Yes, of course it was a little odd if one or even two of the Keepers didn’t make an appearance at a Gathering but for four to be absent, something was dreadfully wrong and, as the only remaining Keeper, it was Delta’s foremost duty to discover exactly what that was." This is a monster of a sentence. Perhaps try splitting it up or something like that? It seems an abrupt break for the nice, short sentences that you had before. -- " people walked through her not noticing her blue-grey eyes on them, watching." I feel as though there should be a comma after "her" and before "not". -- "The Creators, stood before her in a half circle, their shimmering backs turned, unaware of her presence." I don't think there should be a comma after "Creators". -- "She clapped a hand over her mouth in fear, yet not knowing what it was she was so afraid of. A single white rose lay on the pedestal. A sudden agony burst to life across the skin on the right side of her middle where the symbol of the Keepers of Time was tattooed. Gasping in pain, she looked down to see the infinity sign, glowing white, The Warning." Here, I feel as if you can give more sensory details to make the reader feel more of what Delta is feeling. For such a tense moment, your description seems somewhat lacking for me. -- "Sighing heavily the head lifted." I feel as though there should be a comma after "heavily". -- A few other notes. In the beginning, I feel as though you use "Keepers of Time" and "Delta" too often. Maybe you should make use some some of those 'handy-dandy' pronouns. Just another speculation. Since one Keeper is named "Delta", I'm guessing that the others are named "Alpha", "Beta", "Gamma", and "Epsilon"? :P. I like the instant action you throw into the story, with the growing suspense, however, I do have some issues with your "villain". You seem to instantly label him/her as "evil", "mysterious", and "ruthless", clearly telling the reader who's side he/she is supposed to be on. Although it can be effective, I feel as though the best stories allow the reader to sort of "decide for him/herself" who the villain is, or something like that. The "hooded" figure, "pale, shriveled" hand just sort of screamed out "BAD" to me. Just a note. A great start! You instantly throw the reader into an interesting conflict, and although there are a few minor problems, I feel as if this is the start of a great story! Great job! I'm looking forwards to any future updates! :).
ecwix 2007-04-21 ch 2,	A few notes: -- "What will happen if Time, bringer and destroyer of lives ceases to exist?" I think there should be a comma after "lives", since "bringer and destroyer..." is an appositive to "Time", and you offset the first part of the appositive phrase. -- Also, as I read this short prologue, your words made me think a bit about time. One way to think of it is as something like a fourth dimension. In this form, then fourth dimensional beings are able to travel through time, and time is all one and the same to them. I think this is something discussed in Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five (he just died recently), in which one can become "unstuck" in time. This means that one already knows everything that will happen to him during his lifetime, and can freely travel to certain parts of his life to live the sections. I'm not completely sure how this could relate to your story, but I'm just bringing up a viewpoint on how time works. These "Keepers" sound to me like fourth-dimensional beings. However, it must only be partial, because if it were complete, these beings would already know what was going to happen to them and how they would die (if they can die, since they're "immortal"). I'm not sure how your keepers are "traveling or protecting" time, but to me, it sounds as if it may be setting up for many logical fallacies later on, but that's just my feeling, and if you know me, I'm pretty pessimistic about my writing in general. Anyways, I've just droned on and on and wrote a review that's probably longer than the prologue itself. Silly me. :P.
ecwix 2007-04-20 ch 1,	The poem clearly gives a strong, emphatic beginning to the story. I feel as though this was a very good choice on your part to use something like this to set the mood for your story, although I haven't really read on to find out what happens yet. I will try to later, but right now, I'm sort of short on time :p. Anyways, the rhyming is subtle and not too intrusive, which makes me smile. :). Okay, enough of that. The strong expression of independence seems to me to be some sort of foreshadowing for some sort of theme or character trait in the future? Maybe I'm getting to speculative here, but anyways, a great start!
Stephanie Ridings 2007-04-10 ch 3,	Is she going to fall in love with the creepy skeleton-man? Are you sure. Answer very carefully. I would usually follow that sentence with some sort of threat, but I can't think of one. Oh well. Great start, by the way. I loved the poem at the beginning, especially the whole repetition of that verse... Stylish.
xbluxmoonx 2007-01-26 ch 1,	whoa, very nice poem. i liked it a lot. it was very strong, really. I'll definitely have to read on, but unfortunately i don't have much time right now. and just wanted to say thank you for reading the first chapter of "blue moon." ^_^

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