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| nateo2 2007-03-05 ch 1,   | First these aren't all that bad of poems (yet i'm not a pro) I'm not so sure what to do with the second one and the third one I would keep just as it is but these are some of the changes I would mae the the first one. (changes in []) Dazzaling nights, stars [split bright in] the sky, [always] beautiful, [the] time to live, yet [ever will] I ask, [is it here, where I'll stay] [or will tonight, be the night I die?] It's only a suggestion and you could probably even expand and keep going from that point. That, and I would probably listen to the comment made by "three cheers for eve" because it is some pretty sound advice. Keep it up, neurosis helps writing. ToOdLeS |
| Three Cheers for Eve 2007-01-22 ch 1, | Out of all three, I feel that your third poem could use the most revisions, so please dont take offense at these suggestions. First of all, you're writing about a sunset, one of nature's most brilliant wonders. Feel free to go crazy with the descriptions! Even if you're trying to just write about the action of a sunset, the constant circumnavigation of the world, say something to that effect! I also think that you should spend some bonding time with a thesaurus. Even if you decide not to add anything or take anything away from the poem, one change in vocabulary can completely redefine it. For example, "The clouds are saying bye" doesnt exactly scream brilliant imagery or poetic undertones (to me at least, and everyone has a different opinion, of course). Play with words, switching their placement, using synonyms, etc. The worst thing that can happen is that you completely detest it and revert it to it's origional. Good luck, editing is a **. For me, I wait a week after I write something to even begin to edit it. That way I can return to it with a whole week's perspectives behind me, as well as view it in a completely new way. |
| goddessofmoondreams 2007-01-22 ch 1, | I liked "For my dear sweet Aubrey". I think you should try to expand it a little, but all in all it has great imagery. Keep writing. |
| Cryllin Myrrh 2007-01-22 ch 1, | Just a suggestion - Houston minds Dazzaling nights, stars fragmenting the sky, (what a) beautiful time to live. and yet I dare ask it "will I die tonight?" i like the other ones as they are - cept on the second one you should make it "her eyes feature" not "her eyes features" good work! tally-ho! |