FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| Natsuya 2007-12-23 ch 16,   | “Because it’s boring." So true, Reece, so true. I am sorry but I think Kali should get over herself and stop playing "hard-to-get". Actually, I am not that interested in their relationship anyway...more in the story. Great chapter, actually. This volume (or book) is filled with action which keeps the shallow-minded interested and some political conflicts for Gundam fans like me (I am not actually, but...well). I spotted some spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, but scatter-brained me forgot to note them down...v.v...sorry. Hm...I wonder how things will work out from here on. It's out of the question that Meige will survive, but whether he is going to defeat the jamming creature by himself or with help... Long time no read! LOL. I shall plod my way through the story and go onto Book 3 soon! |
| Natsuya 2007-10-23 ch 15, | Excellent chapter. Again, more characterisation for Michelle, who is by far one of the most interesting Sellan characters (for me, anyway). You also did well in bringing in the conflict with the Dath Aereats in the same chapter; now I am worried that Michelle might end up doing something she will regret. I am also glad to see Meige, Kali and Reece around again, though not much seems to have changed in terms of the relationships (I am not surprised she isn't biting Meige's head off for stabbing him). Kali's confession came a bit unexpected though, lol. That was so unlike her! Your writing flowed nicely, but there was one sentence that bothered me: "Michelle had left the white flower at its base along with her undying love." On its own the sentence seems quite powerful, but within the descriptions it felt a little bland. I guess that is again, due to the fact that you don't seem to go beyond that thick carapace of description and into the realm of the characters’ thoughts and feelings. Especially, in this chapter, it was important to give us an insight into the characters' feelings. I know it's hard and I myself am not perfect at that (heck, very often I too get carried away with the descriptions!) but give it a try. It will give this story and your characters that particular something; something that allows us to sympathise with them a bit more. Something that will mark you out as an established writer. |
| Natsuya 2007-10-18 ch 14, | Oh, I like Mavina's natural hair colour. I guess most twins try to distinguish themselves, but still end up just being "the twins" most of the time. Thankfully, Mavina and Kali are too interesting in their own aspects to just end up being one corporal entity. I love the way you took advantage of these three "filler" chapters to develop the Aurora's crew. Both Liana and Diane are quite likeable and I am glad to find out more about Mavina. It brought some good character development into the story and fleshed them out much more. Well done. I am curious about how things will develop from here... By the way, finally, I have found time to read and review again! LOL. |
| Natsuya 2007-09-16 ch 13, | Ouch! What a cliffy! If it weren't so late I would have continued reading! Dammit! Anyway, this was a really good chapter in terms of character development...v.v I still miss Meigi and Kali, but I guess Diane and Liana should suffice for now. I like Diane and Liana's character, because they are quite realistic; Liana's liaison showed perfectly that they aren't a pair of innocent, naive little girls who kick robotic butt at day and cuddle with their plushies at night. These are real girls, in a real war, with real issues. Maybe not NGE type issues, but still issues, lol ^^. Then, there is Mavina...I wonder if she will transform into a Proto Anthion (that was the name right?) and why she is transforming now. I thought her weakness was just a psychosomatic thing due to Kali's disappearence. |
| Natsuya 2007-08-19 ch 12, | Hmm, I cannot believe I called this a filler. It was quite entertaining to read and Horal and Diane make a really cute pair (better than Meige and Kali in my opinion). The little bits of information were nicely inserted, but I am wondering what Mavina is up to. She must be really worried about her sister... And of course, Jet mentioned that they are building a new Core for Kali! Goody! One question left: Where is Scopes?! I miss him... |
| Natsuya 2007-08-09 ch 11, | Oh, nice! I like Serena and Gale! The last chapter's action was as always well done in that distinct epic style of yours. And despite the fact that things have calmed down a bit, I can already feel a bit of political tension between that Archduke and the rest (though the Archduke hasn't said anything yet, lol). I wonder how things are gonna work out. Phew! Marathoning is tiring. |
| Natsuya 2007-08-09 ch 7, | God, I am so slow! Sorry, Virage... Anyway, I think the beginning of this volume shows that you have truly improved. Wow. The action, tension, everything from the little fluff at the beginning, to Meige, Siphon and Isis's mission and to the attack of the Dath Aereats is so well done. I really can't wait to find out what happens next (thus I'll read the next chapter now). There's so much on my mind I don't even know what to write... I am just wondering what exactly those Proto Anthions are and if they have anything to do with Meige's past (probably). Well done, Virage! This is awesome (and just the beginning!), so I am hoping this volume will stay as good till the action-wrought end ^^. I did tell you before that I find Meige attractive, didn't I? >.< I don't even know what's wrong with me! I used to think he was boring, lol. But nothing beats Princess Reece! She's the best! |
| Unwanted Empathy 2007-05-11 ch 26, | Hey Virage, long time no see! It's me the crazy kid! Just read the ending, and as always I have nothing but praise! Thanks for the shout out! I was definately impressed with Meige's increase in skill. I know you like some in-depth review, so that your stories can improve, but i have no complaints. Fantastic storytelling! The loyal,but crazy fan! |
| Lord of the Trees 2007-05-04 ch 26, | Amzing ending!! Can't wait for the sequel! |
| Snip2r 2007-05-03 ch 26, | I was wondering when Amy was going to come back. Another good chapter. Some spelling errors, but I think you were rushing through this character. Truth be told, I won't complain about you're rate of chapter production, you're doing good. I like the way you put equal importance to both side of the factions in the story, though you seem to not talk about the...other faction ( I forgot the name :P). It is also surprising how Kali act in enemy territory. I know that she's a good person, but still... Looking forward to vol 3. Snip2r |
| Unwanted Empathy 2007-02-22 ch 10, | Well old chum! I'm back! I already have a guess a what's going on in chapter 10, atleast I think I do! (not to sound like an **) The story looks great, were finally at Sella, and now the political intrigue begins! I hope Kali and Meige are up to the task. Meige better hurry and improve on those sword skills, we all know Kali can take care of herself! (by the way love the red hair for her!) |
| Unwanted Empathy 2007-02-14 ch 8, | Sorry I don't have much time on the computer so I have to make this quick! What! Unwanted Empathy the crazy fan isn't going to leave a awe inspiring, and in depth review!(gasp!) No just kidding, I know! Get over myself, the arrogant jerk that I am! Get chap! great battle scene, you know I love my fight scenes! |
| Unwanted Empathy 2007-02-10 ch 7, | Love the great action, can't wait for the next chapter! |
| Papi Prolix 2007-02-05 ch 1, | There's alot going on here. Especially on the Recca/Kali/Meige end. I do enjoy the fact that the fleets weren't invincible. War isn't pretty, and for stories that have fleets that don't get hurt/damaged/destroyed, just doesn't make sense. So kudos to you for not doing that. Quick one, two punch with the action here. You don't force a lengthy fight, and the fight ending was a well placed switch of mood. While the first half of the chapter was practically error-less. The second half had raised a couple flags: 1. How did Kali know where Meige was being held. Did she somehow manage to slid into the hangar and then follow, or did she happend to bump into them while she explored the ship? I'm not saying to detail the issue, but at least give a small hint as to how this was done. Like maybe a small dialogue between Meige and Kali, for example: M: How did you find me? K: Extortion. M: Extortion? K: Let's just say a male solider almost lost his ability to have kids. Something like that. 2. "“There they are! Get them!” a soldier shouted. Kali grimaced and turned around pulling Meige again. They continued down their previous hall instead until reaching a corner. As they rounded the corner, a door slammed downward behind them, cutting them off. Kali ignored it and continued to retreat. They rounded another corner and heard another slam. Kali slowed down and stepped into the next hallway. Reece was standing in shock looking at the metal wall that had just appeared." Previous hall? What previous hall? According to the paragraph before this one, they turned a corner onto another hall, so if they went down the preivous hall, that would mean they were backtracking, correct? 3. In reference to the paragraph in question 2. The wall slammed in front or behind them? You state it slammed behind them, but by using the phrase "cutting them off", you are suggesting that it impeded their progressive foward movement, which the door did not do. So it effect the door slamming behind them did not "cut them off", but more truthfully prevented them from backtracking and forcing them foward down a predetermined hallway. 4. "“I don’t think this is necessary,” Meige said. The two girls ignored him. Before he could ask them to stop, they snapped toward each other with lightning speed. Meige winced and turned away as he heard their fists connect. Reece pulled back holding her hand, while Kali leaned for a low attack. Reece jumped into the air just high enough to evade a sweep, and then kicked back. Kali held up her arm to block and Reece quickly dropped back to the ground. She spun her body and Kali rolled backward to avoid the attack. Reece slid to a stop and flipped sideways. Kali blocked her kick and swung an arm to strike her in the side. But Reece ducked down and jumped back. They stared at each other taking another stance and watched." The parts with "...spun her body..." and "...flipped sideways..." are movements but don't indicate the type of attack. Now with the flipping part I know it was a kick just because of the sentence right after, but spinning her body? Was it a sweeping kick? An elbow? A clothesline? And putting watched at the end of the last sentence is not needed since you already used stared at the beginig of the sentence. "“Really, can’t we call a truce or something,” Meige muttered. Kali shouted and slung her foot at Reece again. Reece barely put her arms up to block, but the blow was so strong it launched her backward into the wall. She hit it with a muffled thud and slumped to the ground. She shook her head and then quickly ducked under a hard punch by Kali. As Kali looked down, Reece glared at her and kicked her chest with both feet. Kali winced as the force crushed her ribs and flung her backward, skidding past Meige. She quickly recovered and rolled, sliding to a stop instead. Kali coughed, wiping blood from her mouth while Reece stared forward, feeling blood trickled down her back. She tried to move her fingers, but her wrist jolted in pain. Meige glanced between them and groaned. They charged each other again, hoping to land a staggering blow. But just before their attacks connected, Meige quickly maneuvered between them." I added this in with point 4, because it deals with the fight scene also. This sentence-"...and rolled, sliding to a stop instead."- doesn't make any sense to me. Did she roll or did she slide? Did she do a full roll backwards landing back on her feet, the planting down her causing a loss in friction forcing a sliding movement? I'm not too sure here because of the use of the word instead. Rolled is past tense, meaning she did do it, but by using the word "instead" it seems that she switched which way she would fall back before she fell back, therefore voiding the past tense that she did in fact roll at all. Also, "...blood trickled..." should be "...blood trickling..." or take out feeling, and leave it "blood trickled down..." But anyways, those were the major points I wanted to make about this chapter. Still very well written, and sorry it took me so long to make a review on saga II. Peace. -Papi "Just being Honest" Prolix - |
| Unwanted Empathy 2007-02-04 ch 5, | Another day, another great chapter! |