Reviews for Shattered Fools - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Shattered Fools - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

outsidersgirl 2008-01-31 ch 4,	this is good
zello818 2007-08-27 ch 4,	So...I finished this chapter and automatically my hand moved the cursor down to click the 'next' button...and there was none. And what a cliffy too. Anyway, obviously, I like this so update soon. zell.
zello818 2007-08-27 ch 1,	Hola, I just realised that I only left you two reviews instead of the required three. So...well, yeah. I thought this was a really good start. It was written beautifully and you did a good job of relaying the emotion in this chapter to the reader. And this prologue defenitely makes me want to read more of the story. A couple typos. This one stood out the most for me; -'They were Kyle and Tessa, the couple most likeliest to be married in twenty years.' where 'most likliest' should be 'most likely'. Anyway, thats all from me. Zell.
Cashaholic 2007-08-17 ch 4,	OH MY! I KNEW Kyle is good. HA! I knew it, I knew it! I really like this chapter, it's exceptionally good, and the characters are given more depth. I love Kyle's reminiscent of his and Tessa's relationship. Its just too cute, and very realistic in my opinion. This chapter leaves me wondering why they broke up in the first place. They seems perfect for each other. I am really mesmerized by your writing and you plot. I'm guessing the person who says "you, I want answers" at the end of the chapter is Bailey, am I correct? All in all, I love this series, and I shall tune in for more! x. cashaholic
Cashaholic 2007-08-17 ch 3,	aw... that is just too sad, I can almost feel Tessa's heart breaking when he shook his head and turned around. I'm afraid not a lot of people can portait the inner emotions and feelings very well, but I must say you really are an exception. ;) I can almost FEEL for Tessa, and this is really saying something. Although there are currently not much background on each characters, I can see them developing, and with each chapter, a bit of their past relationship is revealed. Also, as I have mentioned before, the wrting is superb. And I really couldn't find any mistakes in it. That, only, is a really hard task to accomplish. All in all, i quite like this chapter, and I'll be off to the next. x. cashaholic
Cashaholic 2007-08-17 ch 2,	Hello, I'm cashaholic, I had been really busy later and I KNOW I should have reivewed you in the name of reviewer's found earlier... but, I didn't. I'm truely sorry, forgive me? Anyway, I like how this chapter circulates the theme of a messy break-up, it is heart-felt and truely realistic. The flashback to the conversation she had with Kyle's mother is very ironic in a way, it makes the whole situation eerie. And although the story starts off with a break up, I am intrigued as in where this story would be heading, I was sort of hoping that Tessa and Kyle will get back together for some reason. Anyway, the writing is also very beautifully writen and there is only a minimal of mistakes. Good JObo. x. cashaholic.
Master Chief 2007-08-07 ch 4,	You'll have to forgive me... but Kyle is a wuss. And because I don't know much about him up to this point, I have no idea what Tessa sees in him. Is he good looking? probably. But what else does he have going for him? I mean, I just don't see it. Maybe you could try to explain that in some way... This next issue sorta continues from the last... Kyle's voice isn't very distinct. There is no insight from his POV either, which i was expecting. I'd already known everything from Tessa's POV so essentially there was no point. I like Tess and think she could do much better than Kyle. I'm looking forward to how this plays out. On a side note... this sorta reminds me of the Waterboy with Adam Sandler... update this soon. M.C.
Master Chief 2007-08-07 ch 3,	Worst. Reaction. Ever. That's all i have to say about Bailey, of course she's doing what a best friend should. But not much is happening. We're where we were a chapter ago only we know Kyle is dealing with his problem a little differently. I'm really looking forward to the chapter from Kyle's POV. The language seemed to hiccup a little bit in that it was a little too regular. I don't know if that's just from my background as an sci-fi writer, but it seems the non dialogue is a smidge blah. Try not to use the same word in the same sentence... you did it a few times in this chapter. In the fifth paragraph: "Glancing around, she noticed several people glancing at her and giving her weird looks." Watch out for that. The sentence was too verbose and slightly redundant as glancing and giving looks are the same thing. You could've simply said: "Glancing around, she noticed several people giving her weird looks." Another example of the whole "same word" thing was when you were giving an info-dump about Jake and Kyle's "pact". You used the word a whole lot in a relatively small section. Maybe try sprinkling a synonym for pact in there. And for the record... guys don't make pacts... :-p We make deals or come to agreements or abide by the guy code/man law. I don't think i've said it yet, but your dialogue is really amazing. It's almost like I've been walking behind a couple of girls who were actually having the same conversation. I might have even had one like it. Very awesome. On to the next chapter M.C.
Master Chief 2007-08-07 ch 2,	Alright, so again, there isn't much to comment on grammatically. The only think I made note of was the flashback section near the end of the chapter. Instead of putting it all in italics, maybe juse throw in a section break. I'm curious as to how old Tessa and Kyle are... I probably missed it, but just thought I'd ask. It kinda sucks that Kyle won't stand up to his mom over his girl. And to be honest, I don't think it's very realistic unless Kyle's a full-on momma's boy who sticks on everything his mother tells him. And if that's the case, no girl in their right mind would go out with him, i'd think. Just ask any guy what they'd do in Kyle's position, and chances are if they really liked her, they wouldn't dump her because his mother said so. Maybe if you could show some scenes from Kyle's point of view to show what he's really thinking and what he's going through. Because there's a lot you simply can't convey from Tessa's POV except assumptions and the like. That could be a bit of a problem though... I know I always have a hard time writing emotional things from a female perspective as well... that's when i usually ask one of my female friends how they'd react, or in this case, how they're thinking. On to the next chapter. M.C.
ihrtbks 2007-08-07 ch 4,	Wow. He's so devoted to his mother he would give up the only girl he's ever lover for her. But the fact that his mother made him give her up...does she see how broken he is, or is he hiding that? You said you wanted a beta, I'm here! UPDATE SOON!
Master Chief 2007-08-06 ch 1,	So I haven't read much romance, and therefore I'm not too familiar with the conventions of the genre. But I can say this, you're a great writer. Your words flow, much like the thoughts of the narrator, and that's talent. I'll try to keep my thoughts on the story separate from my thoughts as a guy. And although really nothing much happened here except for Tessa getting dumped. I said it earlier your writing is spot on, although i think i caught an error near the end... second to last paragraph, first sentence: "...now that he was gone, so buried her face..." missing "she" from that sentence. There may have been others, but that was the only glaring misstep in your flow. On to 2. M.C.
concerto49 2007-08-05 ch 1,	RF Review by Concerto49. As a prologue it was definitely TOO long. Otherwise it should have been a chapter. Hm...you seem to have a habit of making too many lines as separate standalones, like in the other one as well - would have been better if there were a variety - and especially some longer paragraphs. Started too many sentences with 'she' and 'nouns' and other words repeatedly one after the other. This was colloquial as well, and in third person, this time around, perhaps it wasn't as good. Perhaps you should use a slightly different style in each story. This time the intro was a touch boring. It was a little typical, and although you had all those questions, it wasn't really touching. Again needs more detailed description - don't use second person here either, well just the last line. Was that a note? Don't include it there. Yes, it was a little typical altogether and you did mention about the tv thing. Well, let me say - the tv doing that and it's all boring means they're wrong, but doesn't mean you should do so. If you were going to do something as such, push for the emotions, and spark the readers. Even something cliched and boring can be a charm not by the concept, such as the breakup here, but in terms of the minute details everywhere and how it is presented. Anyhow. Again, hope you liked it. I'm doing some proper reviews for RF. I didn't come to say hi and bye, so if it was a bit harsh, sorry. I thought we had joined to get advice. Cheers.
ihrtbks 2007-08-05 ch 1,	Wow...intense. I especially like the way you started this out with the aftermath of the break-up. And your imagery is so vivid and beautiful. You don't just read her heartbreak like it was in a medical journal; you feel it as if it were your own. But you could switch up your sentence structure a little...it's almost always starts out with a subject pronoun. Instead of saying "He lowered his eyes as if he were ashamed to look at her", you may want to write, "Shame lowered his eyes, as if even looking at her embarrased him." off to read more
MelGrl 2007-07-24 ch 4,	This really good; I am so into this. Please update soon.
Vivi8706 2007-07-08 ch 2,	Hey, I saw your 'advertisement' in the Cafeteria forum, so here I am. I am so impressed! I thought the majority of the stories posted there would be half thought and screaming "I need grammar help". It goes to show you that even well written stories need advertising because they too get lost in the mess of fictionpress! You write wonderfully! And I am so happy that I decided to look at yours! When I get the time I think I will read through your other stories too. You are doing a wonderful job! I would love for you to give me feedback on my one story. You write so well that your opinion would be valued! It's a science fiction, so if that is not your taste then don't worry about it! Thanks!

Return to Top