FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Earthsong12 2007-02-04 ch 1,  | abusewah! this is so depressing! I feel like you wrote this just to make people sad...:P well anyway I guess that means it was engaging, i liked it! even though I have to go cry now... |
| Varion 2007-01-26 ch 1, anon. | abuseFirst, I promise to give a better review later, but I'll give my impressions for having begun and skimmed a little. The first thing I noticed is the opening paragraph. It doesn't grab me. I'm not sure what you could do differently, but I could wish for a stronger opening. Maybe greater detail or a stronger attempt at setting? Um, I'm assuming you want to focus on the dying mother. Perhaps a single candle at her bedside? I'm not sure of the time frame, but that would seem appropriate. Then you'd have an excuse to describe the mother in greater detail. Maybe we could get some more emotional feeling from the child's point of view? It seems to me that this story should be told from the child's view point since that is the survivor. So, that's my initiral reaction. I promise, sometime soon I'll review in greater detail. |