Reviews for Rursus - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Rursus

Agapantha
2007-07-23
ch 1,

Ok Ok, I'll review!! *feels guilty that she read it this morning but didn't*

When I read it through the first time I stopped halfway through because I managed to remind myself that I was supposed to be doing my own work. However, if I had allowed myself to finish, I would have definitely reviewed - The ending gave me goosebumps, it really did.

I like to put up all the senences I like + an explanation but there were just too many so I'll simply put the ones I liked down without one:

'Orin comes up with a grand flourish, his ponytail whirling as he spins around before bowing down low to Éclair, a hot fresh pastry in the hand he presents to her.

“One large chocolate chip cookie for Éclair…”

Éclair tales the cookie with an amused smile as she watches his theatrics. Orin spins around again, this time holding his other hand to the sky like a beacon.

“…and one rainbow sprinkled cookie for me!”

Like a little kid he greedily wolfs it down, while Éclair eats her cookie slowly, savoring every bite. They eat without talking, waiting for the pleasant silence to end. It’s Éclair who asks the question.

“Any news of Zephyr?”'

'They just said she had long red hair and flaming eyes.' Ok, so I have red hair, I should be aloud to like it when my minority is mentioned. I don't think I have falming eyes though. Mabs I should check...

'Orin seems to catch the look on her face.

“You know the girl?”

“Maybe. But we can never be sure.” Éclair says. She gets off from the wall she was leaning on and starts walking towards the stables. “We should go.”

Orin catches up with her and walks along side with her.

“You know, Éclair…I’ve been meaning to ask for a while but…” Orin pauses, collecting his words together. After a few moments of silence, he starts. “…Well, once we find Zephyr, what do we do?”

“What do you mean by that?”

He is unnerved by her unemotional tone, wondering if he said something wrong, but nonetheless keeps talking.

“I mean, we’re going to run into her sometime or later. What do we do then? What can we do against...well, her?”'

'He does so, while mumbling something about, “…crazy smiling girl…”'

'Well, good thing we aren’t coming back now, is it?”'

'Can’t win…just can’t win, can I….”' although the last full stop should be a question mark.

'Why do I have the feeling this is a trap?” Orik says, staring around at the desolate forest’s surroundings with an apprehensive look.
“Probably cause it is one.”

Orik glares at Éclair, opening his mouth to complain, before closing it. He’s learned his lesson. He settles for saying a, “…you…”

Éclair turns to him with a smile.

“Don’t worry. As long as we stay off the path, we probably won’t die.” She says pleasantly.

“Somehow, that isn’t all too reassuring…” Orik grumbles. “And how do you know that, anyway?”

“Because all the missing villagers probably kept to the path, which is where Zephyr’s traps would most likely be.”

“True…” Orik admits, knowing her logic actually makes sense for once. “I still don’t like the feel of this place.”'

'And then it happens'

' starts to balk at something, neighing at an invisible enemy' although, if something became nothing it would be so much better.

'Her eyes start to dilate, and her breathing becomes labored, each breath coming in shorter until she starts to choke.' Tugs at the heartstrings, it really does. Oh, I wish I could write like this. Aargh. I bet you've read my story and I bet you don't think it's very good. Hate you. XD I love it.

'She choppily raises and finger points towards a direction, her hand shaking madly. She chokes out'

'Trees zoom by, the horse seeming to fly with fear. Orik narrows his eyes to block all the incoming wind.'

'He breathes a sigh a relief, and hastily checks the girl he’s holding in his arms. Éclair is sleeping peacefully; her breathing is relaxed and normal.

“Thank Terra. I though you were going to die you satanic girl.”'

'The guard’s eyes widen'

'Orik, don’t worry about me. I told you already. I’m fine.” Éclair says. “Besides, they might know what caused that reaction in me.” Though I already have an idea.

“If you say so…” Orik doesn’t seem convinced, but before he can say anything else, the elevator door opens up to show a research lab of sorts. A young man comes up to them and reaches out his hand.'

'Almost immediately, Éclair freezes, feeling the same nauseating pull from the day before.

She starts shaking, and drops to the floor. She feels her throat start to close up, and her chest feels like a thousand needles are a stabbing it simultaneously.

“Éclair!”

Orik drops down next to her. He puts her arm around her shoulder and helps her stand up.

“We have to get back—“

“No.”

Orik stops talking and seems shocked by her hard tone. Éclair turns to the Chief who is staring at her with a weird look on his face.

“It’s he-here.” She says in a shaky voice, trying hard to talk. “Bring me to it.”

The Chief nods.

“Follow me.”

He starts walking across the floor, weaving in and out between computers and lab technicians, Orik following close behind with a coughing Éclair. They reach a stone slab with a hole in the middle. The Chief puts his hand on it, and slowly, the door melts from the middle. The hole becomes bigger until it opens up to a much smaller lab. In the middle of the room is a container in which a floating red crimson ball floats.'

'Éclair breaks away from Orik, her gaze fastened on the ball.

Zephyr…what have you done?

She stumbles towards it. She doesn’t feel the pain in her chest, nor is she breathing anymore. All she sees is red.

She’s in front of the container and reaches for the object. Her hands melt through the glass and slowly…it’s coming towards her fingers. In the background, she faintly hears people screaming and yelling at her to stop, but she doesn’t pay attention it.

Zephyr…what have you done?

She grasps it, the feel of it like red hot metal. And suddenly, she can feel it all, like swords hacking through every part of her body. Like leeches slowly draining all life away from her. She can’t breathe. She can’t breathe. She can’t breathe. She needs air.

Zephyr…whathaveyoudonewhyareyoudoingthiswhat’shappenedtoyouwhyhaveyoubecomelikethiswhatdididotoyou…

She needs to stop the pain. She needs to stop. Stop it…stop it all.

Concentrate. Focus all of the power on your hands.

Greed.Power.Need.Hate.Trust.fear.pain.terror.grieffurywantvengeanceloveshelterpoisonlonl—

It stops. It’s gone.

She opens her eyes, not realizing they were closed. She looks at the orb in her hand, now a dead shade of red. She smiles. Her work is done. Then she looks around, surprised by the sudden quietness.'

'Everyone is staring at her with jaws wide open.'

Umm, yeah, not much but that's it.

I particularly like Eclair, she kinda reminds me of what I was aiming for with Phoenix. (Sorry if that offends you) It's like she knows what she's doing already and so you can't learn about her world with her - she's abaondoned you to do it on your own. I was a slight bit worried about the tense at the beginning - I mean how many narratives are written in the present tense? But it's allowed so I can't really tell you it's wrong.

Yes, I loved it *rolls eyes* I should be more discerning.

Panths

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