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| Rabendaryu 2008-05-20 ch 1,   | Very nice. I find your use of descriptives very refreshing. I hope you'll continue... if it does continue... did he die, or just go unconcious? |
| Norimar 2007-01-31 ch 1, | I don't want to sound stuck-up, but I don't want to be a suck-up either, so I'm going to go about this bluntly: this really needs a lot of work. There's quite a few grammatical errors - like misplaced periods, missing apostrophes, etc. - that interrupt the flow of the story, and some of the sentences (like in the first paragraph) either are a little repetitive or don't flow very well. There is emotional appeal/description, but not enough to balance the physical description of the story. But the good point is that you included breaks explaining why Dice and Kaiser were on this mission in the first place, like about the preacher raping another character's daughter - but there probably also needs to be more about this incident, too. Don't be afraid to add in flashbacks and make the one-shot longer; it makes things very interesting, quite the contrary. Your ideas for writing would make wonderful stories if things were just a little clearer, and maybe a little longer. Don't get me wrong; you're a good writer, things just need a little work. Try rough drafting things on paper or the computer (whichever is most comfortable), and either edit them yourself or have someone proofread them for you if you feel it needs work. But don't just throw something at your readers straight "out of the oven"; double-check things first. Another thing about this story that bothers me is the repetitive ending: the main character(s) dying at the end, for good reason or not. I hate to say it, but almost all of your one-chapter stories (and some poems) end in this way, and it gets boring and predictable after a while. Try something a little different instead of the same thing over and over, like have Dice remain dead, but Kaiser seeks out revenge for his friend in anger of what had happened. It seems unrealistic after awhile when each main character continues to kill him/herself off in the end, which brings me to another point: try a few female characters, too. The newer it is, the more interest it brings. I like reading your writings, but some things are just a little too predictable. I will admit, this isn't one of your best writings, but it has much potential to be better. It'd probably make a great multi-chapter story if you gave it a shot. But give it a go, and see how it works for you. If you decide to rewrite it, I'd like to see how it would turn out. Later! |
| Meer der Sterne 2007-01-30 ch 1, | I feel like a grammar nazi pointing out that in one paragraph two different people speak. It's much clearer to see who is speaking by putting them in seperate paragraphs, not to mention a rule. With that aside I really like the beginning. It didn't have some slow beginning, but a quick one. There was never a dull moment in the chapter and for that I applaude you! Anyway, I'll be looking for the next chapter. I'm quite interested in what's going to happen to Kaiser. Keep on writing- you've got a great beginning! -Sarah |