FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Moondog Dozier 2007-10-03 ch 2,   | This breathes well in the audibility. The way that everything is so active and visual adds to the affect. I especially like the "delicate/delusional snowflakes". It sparks of a well thought out contradiction. Well done again. MD:77. |
| Moondog Dozier 2007-10-03 ch 1, | I like the outside the lines feel of this. From the first line, the reader knows that something different approaches. The use of asides in the parentheses adds to the off beat style wonderfully. Excellent work. MD:77. |
| hey maria 2007-01-28 ch 1, | What's the significance of putting the word lips in parentheses? When people do that sort of thing in poetry, it's usually to show that you can read it with or without the phrase in parentheses, and both ways will make sense. But that doesn't work here; when you take out the word lips, you're left with "your would shatter like" which doesn't make sense. But if you put the parentheses there to emphasize lips, you might want to try putting the word in italics instead. I'm not a fan of bold/italics/s p a c i n g in poetry, but hey, if it suits you... I didn't really get the use of the word 'destiny' in the first line. I take it to mean that in a different world, under different circumstances, you might kiss him/her. But 'destiny' doesn't seem to fit. I liked the way you used the word delirium though (which, by the way, was spelled wrong). It's like, the only way this could ever happened is if you were completely delirious and didn't really know what you were doing. So it just shows how unlikely it is for the kiss to happen. The last three lines were sort of connected but disconnected to the poem. I liked them, though. Maybe you could use a cold/winter theme throughout the whole poem, instead of just in the last lines? It would flow better that way. |
| Dollface Dead 2007-01-28 ch 1, | Beautiful images. I like it. It's also different as far as the setup. I only wish it were longer. |
| hateandkill-D 2007-01-28 ch 1, | Nice job on this! It's very pretty! Keep it up!! |