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| Shang 2007-02-02 ch 3,  | abuseOkay, overall it's still pretty good. The chapters are rather short and the action could've been faster paced, but oh well. It's a bit more clearer about vamps and all, but now the confusion starts with the attack. Also I've noticed that you tend to fill up much of the chapter space describing the events that don't really mean much to the story, like the time Charlie was asking about the vampire lady or the whole 'date forgetting thing' (so far that romance has no, real importance to the story). May be just my preference, but with such short chapters, it gets slightly unsatisfing that there are still things that could be avoided, that lengthen the story itself. The story is still pretty good, but IMO it could be a lot better. |
| Koorime-kid 2007-02-01 ch 3, | abuseDood. Best story so far that I've read of yours, I have to say. Zeke reminds me of you a lot, but that was probably intentional. Only error I think there is was in Chapter Two when Etienne said, "My mother wanted a son to be proud of." Should that be daughter, or am I missing something? Other than that it looks great, as always xP - Onee |
| Rutoh-Chan 2007-02-01 ch 3, | abuse"“I’ve been so busy lately.” He tried to reason with himself, but it was no use; it was his fault. “I’m gonna go find her.” He left Charlie practically in the floor with tears coming from his eyes. Some best friend." Does that sound awkward to you? Whoes on the floor? Is that the person crying? Good chapter. Mr. Black Suit could use a few social skills... |
| Rutoh-Chan 2007-01-29 ch 2, | abuse"Abril was standing by the door of Auditorium C and greeted him with a smile." Who is Abril? |
| Rutoh-Chan 2007-01-29 ch 1, | abuseVery interesting. Charlie needs to get a life I think. But very good. That is just a random made up number, right? |
| Shang 2007-01-29 ch 1, | abuseOkay, so after reading your first chapter, I can say that I overall like your style. You go into details with emotions, but not as much as to bore the reader (which is good, coz I try to avoid stretching things too). In general the chappie was well-written and all, but there is one thing that bugged me. Now, I usually keep some things to myself as well, so to not reveal them in the first chapters, however some of the things you used in yours spread a little confusion: like the time at the beginning, when Zeke mentioned some Human/Vampire treaty. So, in this world humans and vampires live next to each other? And vampires aren't allowed to attack humans (that's kinda weird, considering that vampires need human blood to not give in to their bloodlust)? Some explanation about this world (which isn't our reality I presume) would be helpful in that matter (the fact of some bodyguards at Zeke's home ins't that important to explain... heck, I revealed some of the things of such caliber unexplained at first too... it's not needed to explain it yet, coz it's not important). So, besides the lack some useful info about the world this story takes place in, this chapter was really good and show that his story is certainly promising. I'll keep my eye out for it. |
| Niki Tori 2007-01-28 ch 1, | abuseI didn't see anything! It was really good! Update SoON!! LoVe Niki!! |