I really hope that you continue with this story. I like the idea, I've always wished I had a secret world since i was a little girl. I think you need to decribe a little more how he came into that world, and more of what it looks like in detail. I know that it can be difficult to describe what you see in your mind and put it into words. But I think that you're a good writer and you can do it.

P.S. Who is Barry? A brother? A boyfriend? And how old are these people? And are they not friends anymore? They were just childhood friends?

T_T sadness. How could she leave him when it was obvious he needed her? he'll be stuck in his dream forever... will he dream her there?

Wow. Just wow. First of all, I have to say that this story has the slightest taste of Bridge to Terabithi, and amazing book, only yours is totally original, absolutely fantastic, and completely different from that book, all at the same time.

The imagery, the FEEL, of this story is absolutely amazing! I was so drawn in by this world, and by the relationship between Rikki and Anika, that I almost felt that I was there with them. I was so hurt when Anika left!

You did a wonderful job. I love how she mentions the vague character of "Barry" more than once, almost as a transparent threat, a warning that she has an excuse not to come back again.

I don't know what else to say, other than this was amazing, your writing is absolutely gorgeous, and I'm definitely going to check out what else you have. ^-^


~Chi

God damn... that ending chokes me up every time! I love this story so much, I decided to go back through it and point out a few nit-picks of mine. Feel free to use or discard any of these suggestions.

-In the first sentence, changing "creak" to "creaking" would've made it flow better on my first reading.

-""How?" she murmured..." -- in this paragraph you connect the reality of where she is to the reality of her old neighborhood, but it's nearly impossible to make that connection reading through it once. I had to look over the paragraph several times before I understood what you were trying to do. I think the wording is what confused me?

-"Big as dog, koi" threw me off the first time I read it; it made a little more sense the second time around, so just double-check it. In that same paragraph, after the list of fish, "Oscars... fish THAT should've" instead of "which", I think.

-"In front of her, indeed all around her she saw NOT but dilapidated houses..." -- I added 'not' because, well, I thought it might be needed there.

In any case, this story will always be in my heart, Sparkly. As I said before, it has all the aspects I love in a short story--you may want to consider writing more short stories to kindle the "dying" flame of your longer works. Maybe writing this was a sign, who knows? I know I'm definitely inspired!

Love always,
Jurion