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| C.F. Anne 2007-11-04 ch 1,  | abuseSO sorry for my late review! Anyway, I loved how you began this one-shot. It's very catching and dedscriptive, yet not overly descriptive that you bog down the reader. (: Ok, in the third line "I will dirty thier light with my touch...just like they said I dirty this world." I think it will sound better if you write say instead of said. Other than that, this was wonderful! Nice diction, and great flow! Keep up the good work! |
| SexyCinderella 2007-10-26 ch 1, | abuseI really like the style in your story, free, emotional, soft and kind of sweet (maybe in a weird way). I like the shown disattachment that you puted in it, and the way it´s write, so beautiful and professional. For me, it works best as a short story, because have 'condensed' all the meanings, and maybe if you continued it, it wouldn´t have the same effect. The sad ending is great too, because is not, in any way, to "heavy". I also love the description of the stars, was so amazingly beatufil. Keep writting! |
| ihrtbks 2007-09-25 ch 1, | abusePowerful. I LOVE the style in this...it's so free and open and emotional. I like how you left the name out; it seems detached yet something that could happen right outside your window. Your use of functional fragments is also amazing; you can pull it off and still sound like you graduated elementary school! But be careful with your homophones... in the beginning, it's supposed to be "He looked PAST his feet, shoed in dirty white sneakers with their SOLES falling through their mouths..." I'm probably reading too far into this, but I really like how you showed the effects of hatred and disgust towards a person can do. The last sentence was really beautiful; leave out the comma and it'll sound even prettier! GREAT JOB! |
| incandescente 2007-09-01 ch 1, | abuseIt seems fitting that as I read the last sentence of the story, I heard a scream. Okay actually i don't know why there was a scream but anyway, haha nevermind. I liked how you piece the various emotions together for the being.Also, the words that started the story ended the story.. I don't know, I just like it. (: |
| super happy nuclear girl 2007-05-28 ch 1, | abusepoor wing-boy :( How sad for him. i love your description of the stars. beautiful. |
| Fienty 2007-05-28 ch 1, | abuseThis story is so short but means so much! i wouldn't add any more to it or it will ruin its beauty! anyway I'm adding this to my favourites :) |
| Ariannabell-the one that di... 2007-02-01 ch 1, | abuseBeautiful, what a sad and touching image it conjours. It makes you almost cry and wish and mourn to help such a poor individual. Wow... |
| Rin Ill 2007-02-01 ch 1, | abuseThis is beautifully written. I agree, it appears to work best as a short story; if you had continued it, it wouldn't have had the same effect. |
| criti-sized 2007-02-01 ch 1, | abuseThis was a very nice one shot. I like the shown disattachment that you showed in it, and the soft feelings. Though the ending was a sad one, I agre that not all endings are happy. That made the short for me better. |