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Reviews For: Rising Truth - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Tragic and Devastated 2007-04-26 ch 7,	abuseI'm sorry i don't give in depth reviews. usually i do, but right now, i'm not feeling like it. Maybe when you update again i will... who knows... but great chapter, can't wait for more! TAD
Tragic and Devastated 2007-04-26 ch 6,	abuseHaha, loved this chapter! -this is me being myself- so... NEXT CHAPTER! TAD
Tragic and Devastated 2007-04-26 ch 5,	abuseI like the touch of the way that they talk. I dunno why, but i like it -grins-... Great chapter... i think i'm hooked... again. how does this ALWAYS happen?
Tragic and Devastated 2007-04-26 ch 4,	abuseThere were a few errors here and there but it was nothing that actually affected the meaning of the sentences. it was a good connecting chapter ^^. TAD
Tragic and Devastated 2007-04-26 ch 3,	abuseSo the summary finally in its way completely reveals itself. Ava and Farren are such cool characters. -grins- Lolz, but it was a great chapter. TAD
Tragic and Devastated 2007-04-26 ch 2,	abuseOh, nice ending. I always liked good closing end to chapters, or a complete cliffe. But it has to not be awkward, or it loses your interest. That's good. I really liked this chapter ^^. TAD
Tragic and Devastated 2007-04-26 ch 1,	abuseThis was a good first chapter. I said I'd review eventually, and today has finally come along. usually i go for more of an action packed beginning, where it catches the readers interest, but this was also good. It catches the readers interest in a different way, and that's good. TAD
Ariel of Wonderland 2007-03-19 ch 7,	abuseHey, very nice. I like how the story is developing.(Sorry I couldn't do this earlier, my computer kind of died and I had to stop my friend from posting all of the things I didn't want her to.) So glad Griff didn't hate Ava!
Hippofishy 2007-03-04 ch 7,	abuseWow where did you find this Lccorp2 person? Most of the things in there reviews is right throw, I’m glad I can be lazy and not type such a long review since everything is said, remember how I said the beginning was a bit boring? Well I thought of a way that might help you out with that, you could mess with the time line of your story and a bit and make the first few chapters into smaller flash backs. That way one of your more action packed chapters can in the front and you do not have to leave the first part out. I also noticed that your main character thinks too much, the part where you tell too much when you should show its annoying because most of the time it is pointless thoughts too. It would not be so annoying if it only happened in a few parts but it is everywhere! If you heard everything, someone was thinking for hour after hour you would go insane. Finally you are using a lot of over used plot devices (girl with mysterious pendent who’s parents died, crazy king who took throne, let me guess she’s the right full ruler right?) and this is fine if things aren’t what they appear to be or if it’s a good story despite them. Just aim for one or the other and it should be fine.
Lccorp2 2007-02-26 ch 4,	abuseHarr. Now I'm starting to get really, REALLY annoyed with this character. Depending on what you want the reader to see, this could be a very good thing, or a very bad thing. A very good thing if you want to show this character as being hatable and through that characterize her, and a very bad thing if you want to endear your readers to the character. Do you want the former, or the latter? -You've just managed to portray Ava as a shallow, narcassistic who has absolutely no concern for the feelings of other people whatsoever. She expects people to serve her and is off when they don't. Let's review the facts again, shall we? She has no idea who these EVUL people are, or where they have gone. She has no coherent plan as to how she's going to get her cousin back. She has zilch experience outside the confines of her little mountain village. More factors which I won't bother to explain here because it'd take too long for lunch break. AND SHE EXPECTS THESE PEOPLE TO DROP EVERYTHING AND FOLLOW HER? WHAT THE HELL? These people have lives. They have responsibilities. They aren't empty shells and satellites revolving around Ada, only existing in their relation to her (at least, I damn well hope you think of them that way.) "So this was what friendship was worth when it really mattered..." Well, this. I wouldn't want a friendship that means going on a wild goose chase to who-knows-where, in which one will very likely die, without any plan on what to do or where to go. Nah, these people are horribly selfish for wanting to stick to their other more important responsibilities instead of serving a who only thinks of herself. They're EVUL because they'd choose to take care of you know, their own families instead of running off into the night. You call her twenty, she's behaving like a 14-year-old who's pouting because daddy and mommy wouldn't buy her that new CD. Now on a side note, to quote Limyaael, for I agree with her on this issue wholeheartedly: "Characters that exist only as shells and shadows and satellites of the hero. This is number one. This is the one that makes me want to vomit just reading the descriptions of books, never mind whole novels. This is the reason that the moment any story now starts out with an abused orphan whom everyone hates, I scream and run away, immediately. Now, I’ve complained about stupid villains and henchman and characters like Wise Old Mentors who only exist as plot devices before. This is related to them. It is not them. (“For stupid villains and henchmen and characters like Wise Old Mentors who only exist as plot devices, please press button #3”). This is characters who have no inner life, no separate existence or conception of their own existence. This is characters who exist solely to serve as mirrors, cheerleaders, minor petty obstacles, validation, and rewards for the hero/ine. Shall I give you a few examples? -Designated Love Interests. -foils who are the “dark mirrors” to the hero. -the random kitchen maid who shows up to talk to the hero just as he’s feeling down. -the character who gets wounded just to give the protagonist a chance to demonstrate compassion. -the jealous /bastard who changes into a worshipper of the hero/ine the moment he or she does something “noteworthy.” -the party companions who never seem to eat, drink, or sleep in case the heroine wants to talk to them, and who think more about whether she’s having regular sex than whether they’re making progress towards saving the world. -the siblings who are in the story only to get compared un/favorably with the protagonist in terms of intelligence, magical talent, and looks. -the village bully who’s obsessed with raping the heroine for unknowable reasons and then at the end is shoved face-down into the dirt when the heroine rides back into town on her white horse. -the parental figure who, by requiring any sort of discipline from her child whatsoever, is an “abusive mother.” -the character of a different social class or race who follows the protagonist around like a puppy, supposedly demonstrating he can pierce those kinds of barriers, and in reality conjuring up the worst sorts of stereotypes. I could go on. I have tons of these. At least stupid Dark Lords who are trying to take over the world have their motivations that are separate from the protagonist. At least stupid henchmen fear their boss, and don’t suddenly become obsessed with whether the heroine will win her guy. At least Wise Old Mentors are usually represented as caring more about the fate of the world than whether the hero/ine gets validation. These characters have no reason to exist in the story, except to make the hero/ine feel good or prop her up or wipe away any tiny trace of a mistake. And that is so stupid I cannot get my mind around it. Real people have their own minds, their own motivations—even if they’re romantically obsessed. They are not blank templates to be stamped with serving the protagonist, and not even the plot. JUST STOP IT. PLEASE. No, I am not rational on this. Yes, I have undoubtedly enjoyed books in the past that had these kinds of characters—because I didn’t classify them that way. If I feel like a character has independent existence, even if it’s in the gaps between the lines, I am willing to let it go. I cannot tolerate a story where the author explicitly reveals to me that random people with no reason to trust or love or care about her would get down on the floor and lick up the heroine’s if she asked them to. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Stop loving your protagonists so much you make them the center of the universe. Stop using other characters to give them everything they want. Stop making them so unique in the world that they deserve everything in return for their uniqueness. Stop conceiving of your other characters only in relation to them." -"She packed some clothes and blankets and whatever food she found that might last for a few days on the road." Sighs and shakes head That's how long she'll last on the road, if that's all she's bringing-a few days. Bet the Helpful Stranger turns up by then. Then again, she couldn't know any better, so I'll give it a pass for characterization. Bet you she won't suffer any consequences, though. -"Yes, the clothes were several times too large for her, but Ava rather thought that the looseness of the fabric might help to hide the curves of her breasts and her hips." "long, dark hair..." Sighs Did they eat well? How did they manage to do so in a remote village? Medieval peasants DIDN'T eat a good diet (especially in protein) and as a result didn't grow very tall or damn pretty. Even if they had, peasant life is the body. Those beautiful peasant maidens will probably have a year or two of beauty at the most. Then the hard work gets to them. It may well have done so even before puberty. The following is a list of things that could easily happen to people working outside or in, in many seasons, and in the path of disasters that might not befall nobles: -weathered lines from sun and wind, and squinting into the sun and wind. -calluses from work. -continually puckered hands from washing. -sunburn. -bug bites. -dirty, ragged hair and skin from lack of opportunity (and probably technology) to bathe. -strong odor from the dirt and the sweat. -broken nails. -dirty, ragged, and worn clothes. -hard-as-horn feet. -thick, muscled arms and upper body (could be attractive on a man, but few peasant women are portrayed this way). -bow-legs. -scratches from animals, bug-bites, straw, needles, briars, and all sorts of picky little things. -discolored or missing teeth. -missing fingers, toes, or ears from accident or frostbite. -scars from pox. -scars from wounds that weren’t treated in time. Where the clean, shining, thick-hair-to-the-waist peasant girls with perfect skin and smiles come from is anyone’s guess. Probably Bizzarro World, just like the cultured peasants. Oh, and especially the hair. No shampoos, no conditioners, a liability to get dirty and blow into one's face AND get in the way of farm implements... Uh-huh. -"She now realized that all those years she had been putting up with cumbersome petticoats and awkward bodices, she could have been taking advantage of the wonderful sense of freedom bestowed by something as simple as a pair of pants. Girls were always getting a raw deal." ... ... ... Stop it. Just stop the preaching. Yes. Even when "feminist" messages are blatantly slapped into fantasy (note the use of quotation marks), they just have to be preachy. Oh, and always only apply to the protagonists. Those persecuted groups of witches rarely try to rescue non-witch women from confinement or torture. The spoiled princesses often don’t care about anyone but themselves; they see other noble girls as simpering idiots following the usual rules, in fact. Even those science fiction heroines out on the edge of tomorrow get impatient with women who don’t act the exact same way they do. Why? Some of it might come from not studying the history of feminism, but I think assuredly the rest of it comes from that unfortunate speculative fiction tendency to have a black-and-white mindset, Us Vs. Them, and the genre fulfilling so many teenage fantasies. There’s something very satisfying about the dream of running away from home, doing what all your family and so-called friends thought you never could, and coming home to lord (lady?) it over them. Unfortunately, when it’s every story out there, it makes the genre vapid and stale. Again, it ties into Ava being pretty much a selfish . Uh-huh. And god forbid that women actually use their sexuality as a weapon; for homework I want you to read the Sarantine Mosiac Duology and amongst other things learn how Empress Alixana is manipulating plenty of poor sods at court and rose from a simple dance to being Empress, all because she was intelligent enough to know when "cumbersome petticoats and awkward bodices" can be very, very powerful in their own regard. -"she could swing a stick as well as the next person..." That won't be enough, I can assure you of that.
anti-climax 2007-02-25 ch 3,	abuseengaging thus far. Your vocabulary is quite impressive from what I've seen. Anyway, Ava seems to be really...really slow. She has already heard their whispering, 'Take both of them' and so on so forth and she realizes belatedly that they intended to kidnap him? And sound carries better over the night, yes, but how could she have heard something her brother's assailant muttered into his ear? Doesn't quite seem plausible... But other than that, it's still a good read. The plot does pick up, you've done a nice job at depicting Ava's grief, the intrigue factor does pick up...
anti-climax 2007-02-25 ch 1,	abuseas far as first chapters go, this has been pretty good in piquing interest. The banter is believable, the dialogue much so and helps in progressing the plot relatively well. No major grammar mistakes, as far as I can see. 'and once he sent into seclusion' ... Is it went or is there a was before the sent here? Because this really doesn't make sense. Other than that, I think rational would be a better word for logical in this sentence, 'the king isn’t always logical.' By the way, just a useless piece of trivia but do you know that identical twins are almost always of the same gender? :P I was just reading through your story when I recalled some biology lessons I had undergone in the past... Anyway, more character description would be nicer IMO. I'm a sucker for details... Well, I have nothing further to add. I'll be checking the rest of your chapters soon.
Lccorp2 2007-02-24 ch 3,	abuseHarr. Hm. Less to say about this one. You decide if that's good or bad. -The whole point of whispering is to keep it soft. Unless she has superhuman hearing (which again, either neatly falls under contrivance or it's never explained, so it's a mistake), she's not going to be hearing people whispering on the other side of the room AND outside the window. -A point you might want to consider: Try not to overuse one method of getting information to your protagonists. This includes, but is not limited to: messengers, overhearing conversations (many authors are especially bad about that last), having someone blab information while drunk, finding out information by being in the right place at the right time, and so on. To a certain extent, these things can work, but used too often they openly smack of author manipulation and the hero always stumbling into things rather than working them out for himself. Think of all the times that you've stumbled or nearly stumbled on two people talking. What are the chances that: a) that conversation concerned you b) that conversation was about something important concerning you c) it had secrets in it that had been kept for years? Not all that great, and less with every condition you add. And yet it happens all the time in fantasy. The hero just happens to overhear something about his past, about the evil plot of the nobles that he's in the perfect position to stop, or about a prophecy that no one else knows about. Consider how often your hero stumbles into something like this, compared to how often he manages to figure or find out something on his own. If you find yourself relying too much on one plot device, cut back. Alternatively, make sure the hero doesn't automatically know what's going on. A good depiction of this is in Martin's A Game of Thrones; the character Arya overhears two men intriguing, but can't make heads or tails of the conversation, though the reader might have more luck. -If the EVIL DUDES are really going to break in and harm them, they need to escape PRONTO. Farren admits as much. Why does Ava have time to return to her room and get dressed? Shouldn't they be fleeing at once? Which is more important, modesty or life? -"Sliver of moonlight", not "Silver". -Lead rope? Lead rope? Giggle Snerk Laughs maniacally Lead is heavy, yes. It's also very soft for a metal. A few twists from a reasonably strong person and it goes. Almost as practical as silver helmets and golden swords.
The Mumbling Sage 2007-02-18 ch 1,	abuseHello! I'm a friend of Bitter Irony and manager of a C2 called 'Pay it Forward', which collects stories that return reviews. Irony told me that your story is bitterly unappriciated and that you return reviews, so I added this one to the community. I see that you return reviews on all stories, so if you'd like me to add the rest, just ask! I've enjoyed the story so far, just one note- names like Frank seem a little modern, and I don't knowif they fit for teh setting. As well, what does a three-pointed start look like? Is it a triangle or an arrowhead shape?
Lccorp2 2007-02-17 ch 2,	abuseHarr. Clubs All right, let's spare the formalities and get straight into this one. Same points from previous chapter still apply, and it's big nasty club time for said points. -Marks big nasty eye is now staring at every single travelling scene you have right there. You need not go through every single hardship, but the shock should be there, especially if she's not going to be following a road. "“I am perfectly serious. Even if you never realized it, I have always known that you were destined for greater things than this little mountaintop. This kind of life is fine for the likes of me, but you--” He broke off here and shook his head slowly. “I think that if you stayed here, without first seeing what there is out there, you would suffocate.”" Laughs out loud Would love to see her little bubble popped. Danger need not always be dramatic. Someone who’s clueless about the world beyond his village doesn’t need to get beaten up by bandits to get into trouble. He might not know what quicksand is, for example. He might not know the road he’s following leads into the middle of a swamp. He might not know not to touch the pretty red and yellow snake coiled sleeping around a tree. Hell, he might not know that some mushrooms cause you to see pictures, and others cause death. A city? A country bumpkin might not know that THESE guards are corrupt, that the alley over there leads straight into the heart of the slums, that the innkeeper over there has made a deal with local gangs to that every now and then someone goes 'missing' from her inn to end up in a slave galley, that the fruit merchant over there has bad apples in the bottom of every barrel he sells... This is where some modification of the character would be good. Giving them an appropriate background isn’t something that’s done all that often, or it only serves while the character is traveling in her home country. For example, an herbwoman’s apprentice might be at home in the woods and easily able to find food there, and by the time she reaches the edge of the woods, the Helpful Stranger has picked her up. Other times, the character is traveling through strange country but spends, at most, one night alone before finding a village or his own HS. No trouble, no danger, that’s not in the character’s head. Give them a reason to survive. Give me a reason to like them instead of thinking they’re only still alive because the author’s pulling the strings. -All right, NOW I'm dissed again MAJORLY. Why the hell is she literate despite herself residing in a remote mountain village with no rhyme, reason or method to actually learn how to read? Educated, cultured peasants are usually the product of Bizzarro World. Few peasant heroes, despite supposedly coming from the most uneducated class, are illiterate. Hell, most of them know a lot of legends, fairy tales, and ancient lore. And why? Wandering old mentors and random books that just happen to be lying around, not to mention kindly old family members that shouldn't have been able to read themselves. Once again, pay attention to the economics and consequences of the situation. Why would a wise old mentor just wander into town and teach a random peasant? The usual explanation is “To get him ready for his destiny, like duh,” but the peasant hero often has to remain hidden as well, and wouldn’t an educated old man paying attention to one particular kid lead the villains right to him? Fantasy authors employing this device rarely think it out. It’s used most often as a clunky plot trick to give the peasant hero information the author can think of no way to get to him otherwise. Books. Are they common? Are there printing presses? (This changes the availability and price A LOT) Did the books get stolen from some noble’s library? (I bet he wants them back). Did they get “left behind” by someone else? Who? Why would a peasant family keep them, instead of selling them or burning them for fuel? Finally, why does this peasant protagonist have the time to sit around studying books and/or listening to stories all day? The usual portrait painted here is that the peasant hero is sensitive and dreamy and should be left alone to pursue his or her dreams, but look at it from the viewpoint of someone else in the family. The routine could well go: working dawn to dusk, or more, in the fields and the forest and tending animals, and then coming home to finish other tasks like knitting and sewing and cleaning, falling into bed like a stone, and then getting up at sunrise to do it all again. From those eyes, the peasant child who shirks work to go listen to some old man’s stories or read a book is not a sensitive dreamer whom they punish out of jealousy; he or she is a goddamn lazy slacker who needs to stop letting other people shoulder the burden of survival. (If the peasant hero was willing to go find her own food and mend her own clothes and so on, I would be more understanding, but too often she comes off as a twenty-first century heroine dumped into a medieval world.) Again, it's a lack of understanding on how people really lived back then caused by an unwillingness to DO SOME DAMN RESEARCH. -Technically, "safari" isn't wrong, but there is a problem with this. The word has certain connotations associated with it, and I don't think i need to explain to you what they are. In any case, they're the wrong connotations. -Entirely predictable. The king is "disappearing" people. -Sighs Dark hooded cloaks. Yes, the fantasy staple of Evil Lieutenants and Minions, despite them being completely impractical. This ties back to the point about stupid villains and the cheap tricks to designate people as evil. Why the eth should anyone come in a dark hooded cloak? It attracts attention (and don't tell me that the other patrons ignored them, because that was clearly Authorial Intervention to let the protagonist do Cool Stuff.) in any place where said things aren't the norm (and this isn't one of those places, evidently.) Want to hide the face? A simple broad-brimmed straw hat tipped at the correct angle works wonders, especially in dim lighting. These people are clearly Up To No Good (blargh), and People Up To No Good generally don't want to be noticed before and after they do No Good. Hell, if I were Up To No Good, I'd go around talking to the locals, trying to wragnle all the information I could get out of them while chatting them up at the same time. I'd help the locals a little, earn a bit of trust to give me a little leeway about the place. Then after I do No Good and everyone's trying to figure out who it was, they won't immediately think of me because they think of me as a Helpful Stranger and instead try to think of all those people who passed through the other day. Yeah, go into a place and broadcast "I'M UP TO NO GOOD!" to anyone who has half a brain, in this case, only happens to be miss speshul because all the other folk have been dumbed-down so that SHE can be the one to notice how EVUL they are. -"Ava glanced...bad feeling." Bludgeons hard Of course! We're not allowed to make up our own minds on whether we like these characters or not! They're EVUL! When omniscient narrative starts telling me that people are good and evil, I get really, REALLY ** off. There's something wrong with this. Something very, VERY wrong in the rotten state of Denmark. Remember what I said about the flashing neon signs of EVUL? I'll just quote my friend again: "Yes. So Paolini had, once again, the opportunity to buck the strict black and white rules of good and evil that he had created and maybe create a sort of Snape like character... but instead falls back into the stereotypes that good is good and evil is evil and good must like good and can always tell good and evil smells funny or looks odd and evil, or else how would Saphira know that she doesn't like these people? I imagine in Eldest there will be a line where Saphira or Eragon say something to the effect "They knew that they couldn't trust the Twins."" Of course! Mizz Speshul's perceptions are identical to reality! She's never wrong about anything, just by judging people from their looks! PERCEPTIONS ARE IDENTICAL TO REALITY. CHARACTER DOES NOT MAKE PERCEPTUAL MISJUDGEMENTS. This is the number one trait of a Mary-Sue. Grr. Now I'm angry.

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