FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Noihseret 2007-02-20 ch 1,  | abuseI liked this alot. I like the characters (Denn especially ^^). your writing style is very impressive, but a bit wordy. Try cutting down some of the sentances. I also like how you added the (lyrics I presume...) between each paragraph, they fit nicely and added a cool effect ^^. keep up the good work! this looks like a promising story |
| FoxyGrampa 2007-02-19 ch 1, | abuseI'm feeling lazy, so I'll say this in a review instead; About the adjectives. The most you can do is just exclude them all together, or rephrasing the whole thing so it flows a bit more. "A choked gasp of alarm escaped the arid throat of the glass coffin’s inhabitant while his slender figure tensed evidently, unbuckling his stiff legs." It could be put in simpler terms, like-- "A choked gasp escaped the throat of the glass coffin's inhabitant, while his slender figure tensed, unbuckling his stiff legs." Still a bit wordy, but I threw out some of the more useless words to let some statements stand on their own. The most you can do with stuff like this is just take and take things away. Good writing is good editing, so you should read through your work pretty thoroughly, maybe even reading some things outloud to see how the words flow. I'll be adding this story to my C2 posthaste. I think it's good enough to stand with the other works featured. |
| Mujy 2007-02-04 ch 1, anon. | abuseNice fic you have there (hug) It goes really well with the song and of course, your style, angst XD. |
| aya 2007-02-03 ch 1, anon. | abusenya~ it finally worked XD -eating strawberries- thank yous ^^ |
| windMil 2007-02-03 ch 1, anon. | abuseSeriously, i thought that Denn will die or something but you didn't 'kill' him, thank God. So what can I say about the story? I love the way how you include the song lyric together in the story. And, sorry Aya-chan@Neko-nya!! At first I thought Trey's a bad guy or something but he is totally sweet. I like him. :D and, I will never forsake you xD |