Reviews for Boys From Dublin's Underground

Reviews For: Boys From Dublin's Underground

Alexandra Jacobson 2007-09-26 ch 1,	abuseAll right, I like the idea overall, but there are a few times when the wording is awkward, such as when it reads: "In fact, it was a rainy day in May, in Ireland. Even better, it was a rainy day in May in Ireland in Dublin. And even—now I’m just playing, but just one more—now it was a rainy day in May, in Ireland, in Dublin, in a little café alongside the Liffey." Especially that last line. Also, there are a few times when you lost me. One of those time was when you had the redhead and black-haired men in the chamber. I couldn't tell who was the crown prince and at first I thought the black-haired one was the king. Also, I didn't know in the beginning what gender the main character was. I actually thought she was a boy. Then here are another few lines that sound out-of-place: "Has something ever happened to you?" "Yes, I sleep on the windowsill….got a problem?" However, I love this paragraph: "The little café was run by my cousin, Gwen, who also converted it into a bookstore when her parents kicked her out on account of ‘having too many books in the household’. Gwen is an excellent chef and bright enough to know how to put good talents like that to use. For example; A café, but, for all of Gwen’s brightness, she had no idea how to run a business. That’s where I came in." Overall, pretty good work.
Fractured Illusion 2007-08-25 ch 1,	abuse"something you shouldn’t." add question mark "a high pitched laugh. " add question mark Reason I am saying this, is because you added one when concerning hte last line for that paragraph, indicating all other statements above were also questions. That is at least how I came to interpret it. Very interesting beginning. Draws the reader in quite efficiently. And Finn? Same characters as the other story? Alrighty then! ^^ "Well, O’Henry and go shove it up his *" Nix the "and" and it makes more sense, I think. "profits after food and paying the rent for this place and the apartment" It'd flow much easier if you ditched the first "and" and replaced it with a comma. "only to realize that the annoying screech wasn’t the clock, but my cousin from downstairs." chuckles* Funny line! ^^ "I must have stared wide-for too long because the little old lady was hitting me in the shin with her cane." Hehe, I am enjoying this! ^^ "Suddenly, the two head rushed forward" Wait what? The head? It rushes forward? And it is a two head on one head? Might wanna clarify this, hun :P "Starring off into no " Starring again, eh? Starring is whatcha do in them hollywood movies, Leri! staring " King Fillinlooked at the crown prince" Ahaha! At first I thought the king was named FillinLOOKED and then I realized you forgot to put in some space. So...go do that, eh? "“She doesn’t look like a human.” " :/ No way Sherlock, you just spent an entire paragraph telling it. Leri, what you wanna do is switch places here! First, he takes the photograph. (No descriptions!) Then he makes the statement. THEN you describe what does not look human about her. That flows more natural, and is the "show and don't tell". ^^ " and told me I [had] flowers" " (This wasn’t" Apparently, using paranthesis () is VERY bad, so trade it for - these - instead. "“You are you?”" Who are you is the conventional question ^^ I was quite enjoying this, and I find this to be way better than the other story. (No problems with the always-noun issue either!) It's just that I had a real problem with the prophecy of love sort of deal. Felt too cheesy for me, and I am not a fan of when it clicks right off the bat. So the ending; not so good for me. Rest was way good though! - Frac
tabiscus 2007-08-25 ch 1,	abuseDamn. I have a slight problem. You see, usually i can tell whether a story is uber good or not, but this one is IRISH and it has the good people and...and...well, the point is i have loyalty there and I loved this. Finn is your typical irish woman, even if she is one of the good people (is she? it seems like she is). I liked all of your charries; had half-hoped she'd go for the black head since i have a thing for those, but cathaoir sounds awesome so i dont mind. Hm...as for concrit. you write with first person, so doing thoughts is difficult. People use italics alot, but im doing first person too currently and even i dont use italics...anyways, just try to find a way to seperate the person's thoughts (since you did different views). IT'll sound better. You have a thing with commas. You either add too many or you have a few sentences where you need one. (Maybe? Eh, grammar is, alot of the time, on a person's view so you cant always trust people...oh, never mind dont listen to me). Ah...oh! theres one part, when finn and cathaoir are macking, that you suddenly switch to using 3rd person instead of 2nd. For only 2 sentences. Need to fix that. The only other problemo i found was a few typos. If you want total specifics, you can pm if you like. Anywho, im adding this to favs because i love it so much.
Ezperanza's Violet Phoenix 2007-08-25 ch 1,	abuseHehe, it's very funny so far, and I eccpecially liked the opening. Your characters are very amusing, specifically Gwen, but maybe because that's I'm like 70 percent Irish. Anyway, I think you have a wonderful story in the making!
The Ferrett 2007-08-20 ch 1,	abuseLuck of the Irish. Hehehe. It's curious, needs more for me to bite into, but the mains are good, the plot is sound and the action lively.
Liviania 2007-08-14 ch 1,	abuseYou have a good grasp of grammar and some excellent phrases in here, but it needs more. The plot is almost non-existent and what is there is cliched. You've got the talent, you just need to develop the story. Livi
Carmel March 2007-08-11 ch 1,	abuseI loved this. Very cleverly done :) ~Carm~
ryansheart 2007-07-29 ch 1,	abuseHey, thanks so much for your review! This is a really cute One-shott! Romantic and sweet. Just a few missing words, but a great short story over all! About my story, well, "Story Of A Girl" will be coming out sooner than you think. ^_^ Oh, and after that chapter I've already got another song in mind. It's seriously hard to find a rock love song, that isn't depressing, heartbreaking, and pop or rnb (obviously). And isn't so freakin' literal. Ugh, Well that's it from me, Thanks again! Isabella.x
My Delusions 2007-02-03 ch 1,	abuseI loved this! I don't even usually like romance stories, but this one was highly amusing. Are you from Ireland, or have you visited? because everything the characters say doesn't sound awkward or anything. I've been obssessed with the Irish Celts since I was about 12 and I'm actually writing a story right now that takes place in Ireland (modern day). If you are are Irish, then could I ask you some questions about the culture? Being American, I can only read about it since I can't visit by myself yet. Extra points for using Gaelic names! I can't wait for chapter two.
tuieri 2007-02-03 ch 1,	abuseis this like fanfiction for Hunter's Moon by Melling?

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