|Reviews for The Heart of Darkness|
| huimei 5/29/10 . chapter 5
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| huimei 5/29/10 . chapter 2
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| Jackie 2/14/07 . chapter 4
youve done it agin hot stuf i love the story keep writing
| Ligaya S. Amor 2/11/07 . chapter 3
Firstly, the good news: I like your story! It's an effective plot, it has good descriptions and gives in to comedy appropriately. Well done!
Now the bad news ...
"Those who harm those in protection of the Lords of Fire and Water, receive the full wraith of the powers of Fire and Water."
"receive" needs a D
"wraith" 1. An apparition of a living person, supposed to appear just before he dies. 2. The ghost of a dead person. 3. Anything pale and insubstantial, such as a tree seen through mist.
I think you're looking for "wrath". Also, you already stated that the Lords had been of Fire and Water; it seems a bit waffled adding it a second time. Maybe something like:
"Those who harm those in protection of the Lords of Fire and Water, received the full wrath of the Lords."
Or however else it can be worded.
"Phoenix is another story, became a great Lord of Fire."
"Phoenix is another story, HE became a great Lord of Fire."
“Tenrai, the Prince of Darkness,” the demon’s voice seemed to drag in dirt as he spoke.
I love that description! :) Though maybe add something like "came the reply; the demon's voice -" et cetera. Not something as corny as that, but whatever comes to mind. Seriously, love the description.
I don't want to go on picking on this chapter; a few other grammar situations and the odd spelling error, but there is one more thing before I would like to look at before moving to the next chapter:
"Can thou stop this?"
"Canst thou stop this?"
"Can ye stop this?" this one would be better.
"When leaves turn orange, yellow, and red as they begin to fall from the trees."
... yes? It's got the "and then?" tendency. Maybe turn your first two sentences into one:
"The small village of Franivight was quite busy at this time of year; when leaves turn orange, yellow, and red as they begin to fall from the trees."
Again, a few spelling and grammar issues which'll need ironing out (like "She isn’t died!" Lol, what? "She isn't dead!"). I gotta end this soon so let's keep moving.
Spelling and grammar.
“Ye ventured into those woods. Ye was conversing to something, his eyes were wandering from trees, plants and the soil. It wasn’t his father, or ye be argued and turn mad. Ye’s an odd one.”
Whoa, man. Overload. Lol. "Ye" is generally "you", or even "the". I'm afraid you may have to be content with "he" and all that, for this sentence doesn't give room for "ye". Lol. If the character had been directly talking to the one they were looking for, it would be things like "Thou art" and so forth.
Honestly though, you've got a good story on your hands; run with it, and good luck. :)