|Reviews for Human Dragon|
| jacobdagun 5/3/12 . chapter 7
Very good book. This book could do with a sequel,perchance? But then again, it may detract from the quality, but I digress. Superb book though. Very unique, and I didn't (mind/notice/get confused) where an area needed to be proofread. I like dragons (&bacon & long periods of time playing on Minecraft) and so I can give you a very honest opinion. A question or two two, though:
1) Does Trak go on all fours?
2) Does Corin inherit this trait? (it refers to quadroped and biped a lot, just checking.)
3) Are Black Wings bipeds? Are they nocturnal? What's their magical affinity?
4) Is Corin's mom a quadraped too?
5) Are all Red Wings quadrapeds? If not, are most?
| SteelScales 2/21/12 . chapter 7
Bravo!Bravo! I hope you make a sequal soon.
| Anyonymous 4/14/09 . chapter 1
Poor Trak. *licks the tears streaming down Trak's muzzle and hugs him*
| DragonMistressandTamer 11/11/08 . chapter 7
Even though this story was very short it was very good and I thought the idea was very clever. If you ever wanted to you could easily expand and add more after Part 6. You are a very talented writer. Keep up the good work.
| Translucently Opaque 3/22/08 . chapter 2
Hurray for the Peculiar People Band! Ha. At least Coren’s got good taste.
A good chapter, though it was very long. Maybe you could consider changing it to two?
I really like Ikland. He’s such a cool character. Just one of those awesome people… or, um, dragons actually. : )
I pulled out some of the rougher sentences, though, I just realized that maybe, because the story is complete, you might have decided to just let it stay the way it is. So, if you don’t want such in-depth reviews, please let me know.
“This is my associate, Whitoc of the Whit Wing.” - White Wing.
“And the fact that she did not seem to care whether the two were Dragons had brought a wondering sense of disappointment to Ikland.” - This is a confusing sentence. It is unclear what you mean.
“Still, he wished he had had that quality to the female that made her husband shiver, as he looked the pair over.” - once again, a rather confusing sentence.
“Unlike his wife, he was not afraid to call Coren their son.” - this doesn’t really make much sense considering she just said “He is my child after all.”
“That brought a momentary lightness to the room when he said that.” - how would the mention of inevitable destructiveness bring a lightness to the room?
“Silently, he wondered if he would receive a good rapport from Ikland.” - report, not rapport.
“Though his parents had given him questions to almost anything he asked,” - I think you may mean answers, not questions.
“What was the cause, other than medical abnormalities?” - but I thought that was the case?
“And besides, sports were never his forte and rule held only one exception.” - missing a ‘that’ before the word rule.
“I’m trying to keep my mind occupied,” Coren corrected.” - that is such a fantastic line. Simple, factual honesty. It was perfect.
“Maybe it was his biological parents’ faults.” - faults should be fault.
Other than these, there were two other points. The first was Coren’s self-examination in the mirror. This just sounds odd. I can understand him doing it once, the first time they tell him, but after that it seems both unnecessary and just weird. Secondly, I’m not sure how old Robert and Rosette were at the beginning, but I assume that they were about thirty. In that case, they are now about forty-five. And even they’re fifty-five, I don’t think they’d be displaying their age as much as you’ve written out. Sure, they’ll have some silver in their hair, but would their voices be creaky? Would they be walking with limps? Probably not.
Still, I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter, and look forward to reading more when I have the time. Feel free to veto any of these suggestions, by the way. After all, it is your book. ; )
| Translucently Opaque 3/3/08 . chapter 1
First to answer your ‘Questions for the Peoples of
One: Does anyone, at all, have a piece that does not feature romance or angst as the main genre? Yes of course. Actually there are many. I would be happy to recommend a few. Especially anything written by Chuggur.
Two: Does anyone, at all, write stories that don't feature homosexuality or incest or sex of any kind as the main theme? Yes. Once again there are a number of people. Authors Chuggur, Cayte R. Black, Zucker Fey, Graytext, and a few from Luthien and Tari, as well as all of my own stories. I’m sure there are others.
Three: Are they well written? Most of them. I‘d like to think that mine are, though of course they can always use improvement.
And Four: Why don't they e-mail me? Because I at least find it more polite (and also more fun) to read and review.
And so now to review.
Stories about dragons have always intrigued me. In fact, they are usually major elements in most of my own stories. It’s nice to see that there are still some open-mined people of faith who write fantasy.
So, what we have here is a very interesting beginning of what I’m sure will prove to be an interesting story. It’s the classic story of the somehow ‘different’ child, separated from his parents at birth, and the story about what happens when he discovers his heritage. However, there are some interesting twists such as 1) his parents are alive and waiting for his return and 2) his adoptive parents know at least a bit of his heritage.
Your use of grammar, spelling, and punctuation is mostly good, and certainly better than many here on FP, but still could use some work in certain areas. I hope you will allow me to point out a few of the more obvious ones.
“If his son lived, Ikland would play a major role in it.” - This sentence is unclear. Do you mean that Ikland would play a major role in his son’s life, or that Ikland would play a major role in delivering his son alive?
“This train of thought set Trak sat speculating again.” - The word ‘sat’ is unnecessary.
“The parents were aloud to see their child briefly before the inspection.” - I think you mean the word allowed, and not aloud. Never trust spellcheck completely, but instead read your works out loud to help you get an idea of what you really wrote.
“He placed the child on the wooden porch, wrapped in a light blew blanket…” - A light -blue- blanket.
“He replied that the doorbell just ringed and that he was going down to see whom it might have been.” - Rung, and not ringed, unless of course this character is supposed to have unusually bad grammar. Also, it should by who, and not whom.
“…with what looked to be a quill and ink pot.” - It’s very difficult to write -with- an inkpot. I think “with what looked to be quill and ink” will suffice.
“He goo-gooed at her and smiled.” - I don’t know what your experience with infants is, but, I’m sorry, they do not ‘goo goo.’ Nor do they ‘ga ga.’ These overused clichés are simply poor attempts to imitate the very complicated sounds that babies make. It would be better to describe the baby’s face rather than attempt to write out his sounds.
Also, pay particular attention to tense. There were multiple tense shifts throughout the story, some of them intentional, and some not. For those that were, I would actually consider rewriting this in chronological order, because the way you have it now is rather confusing.
As a last bit of advice, I would suggest that you perhaps flesh it out a bit. There are a lot of things that you just barely touch upon, which practically beg to be embellished. I’m not saying you should write six paragraphs describing how Trak’s tears shimmered upon his tousled mane (I didn’t know dragons had manes, by the way) but maybe go into a bit more detail about things like the transportation, why Whitoc doesn‘t like Red Wings, and the reasons why Trak performed this delay of childbirth if he knew it’s effects would be harmful.
Anyway, these are all just suggestions, but I do hope that you take them in to consideration. I greatly enjoyed reading this first chapter, and I’ll certainly be back for more. In fact I wouldn't be wasting my time pointing out slight flaws if I didn't thoroughly enjoy reading it. I’ll be back to read more as time allows. God bless…
| nightdragon0 9/5/07 . chapter 6
The style of this one is pretty different from a lot of the changing forms I've seen in other fics. It's interesting that you managed to fit in part of adapting to the 'new' form, the common tension between the wings (or dragon flights/colors/elements), and finding love in the midst of it.
Coren goes through a lot of emotional changes throughout the course of the story, many of them quite realistic I feel. Even Trak has quite a lot of characterization, and we see him changing too. I know being away from the family is a hard thing.
| Susurrent Threnody 6/9/07 . chapter 6
" Once the realization came to him, the idea of sinking into the ground sounded quite appealing to him." - you might want to say, 'once the realization of what he had done came to him..." It flows more smoothly that way.
“Do not over work your self,” - yourself is one word.
"She had let them close to where Trak’s home laid in Shin’lit." - Laid should be lay.
Overall, an intriguing story, but like any story, there are some rough spots. Let it sit a while and then go back over it. I can pretty much guarantee that you'll find a way to improve it.
| Susurrent Threnody 2/22/07 . chapter 5
And the romantic love interest enters the scene. I rather like how she does too.
This was a much better chapter than the others, the wording was much improved throughout the work.
'“If you touch those wings,” the leader snarled in Dragon-speak, “I’ll make sure that won’t even be able to walk.”' - I'll make sure that *you* won't even be able to walk again. The you is very important.
"How could he think she was good looking? It was forbidden be both Wings." - change be to by.
| Susurrent Threnody 2/17/07 . chapter 4
well, you wanted me to be more specific, so here it goes.
"After he had left, a brief flash of uncontrolled joyousness coursed through him and he roared happily at the prospect of being called father for the first time." - I believe you mean 'joy' here, not "joyousness". I don't think that is a word.
"His tail twitched slightly as he entered, giving him the effect of showing the muscular ripples along his chest and back." - This sentence is a little awkward, you might want to reword it later.
Ok, the dialog in the scene where Coren tells his dad that he loves him is a wee bit stilted. In general, 15 year old boys don't say 'I love you'. They usually go about proving it. But then again, Coren isn't the average teenager.
Now, on the bit where Coren was kidnapped, add more detail, more vibrant verbs, and more emotion to describe it. The scene falls a little bit flat because it is disconnected from the reader. Yes, the scene is supposed to happen fast, but use more lively words to describe it so that the entire bit is more dramatic and provides greater contrast to the other things that have happened.
You have a great thing going here, it will only take a little bit of editing to posish it up when you are all done.
| Susurrent Threnody 2/11/07 . chapter 3
A very nice idea, and one I haven't seen often at all. Good job for originality.
You might want to go over this later and edit it, there were a few words that were spelled right but were the wrong derivative, and there sere some punctuation errors, but overall this is very well done.
| Sonyashinto 2/11/07 . chapter 3
Interesting story, I'll look forward to the next chapter. Update soon.