This is pretty fast paced. I know you said that it is from your college writing class, but try to slow it down a bit. It gets a little confusing because of the pace you set, but that is pretty much my only problem. I know you said it was a one-shot, but why not try to chunk it out into two or three chapters? Just edit it a bit so that it forms to coherent thoughts instead of one that leaps in and out of the mind.

Good story, I enjoyed it, aside from my one complaint.

Shadowhound

So good!