Forgive me for saying so, but I think that this story would do better as a poem. Your beautiful writing is still there, but the paragraph is too square for the style and the whole time I read this I was thinking of the amazing things that you could do with its style. Perhaps I'm just misunderstanding the whole thing, however- I certainly don't see what this is a parody of, and thus am likely not educated enough to hold a lasting opinion!

Yup, this review is coming from the Review Marathon! The link is in my profile!

Internal turmoil it seems. I rarely sit for long periods of time not moving anymore. My body has sadly become prone to become stiff when I do. Though after reading through this, (and if I become a grammar crazed bloke hehe) the use of commas are used inappropriately according to perfect grammar. Uses of hyphens and semicolons seem to be a better choice in some spots, like the first sentence for instance. This is only my judgment though, nothing more.