omg. you are amazing. on fanfiction (where I found this link) and here. :0

Not bad. There were a few grammatical errors (fragments and splices mainly). One thing I'd like to point out (because it's one of my pet peeves):

"He swallowed dryly, past the sticky dryness in his mouth, blinked through the unwelcome moistness in his eyes and gently pushed the door open."

You already used one variation of the word dry. I'd find a different word or just eliminate the words inbetween the comma's since they aren't that necessary. But other than that, this was pretty interesting.

-Asher