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| JerseySpirit 2008-01-19 ch 2,  | abuseLoved the ending, man. |
| keeping the moon 2007-10-29 ch 2, | abuseYou put this together very well. I found it humourous, engaging, and the characters nicely developed. The idea itself is fantastic, i throughly enjoy her constant references to the audience. A few comments: Jenna's paragraph to the audience ("This is what I mean. I don’t know what’s wrong with the world...) a little after the beginning was a bit to direct.I think you should keep her lines short the way they are, it makes a bigger impression and builds her personality more as she strikes me as someone who reflects heavily inwardly and reflects outwardly by asking questions. Everything she says is valid, i just think you should break it up with actions more. Have her stare into space or sigh and then continue her thought process. Chance: Never mind, I just now know why you failed English so badly. This sentence struck me as akward. Maybe just stick to saying Never mind, as the english failing things does give depth to Henri but it seems forced tacked on the end of that line. The scene with Henri talking to his boss. I didn't understand the value of it to be by itself. Could you maybe merge it with another one? Lastly, language. I get the whole idea you're trying to get across, but it seems a little crude at times. I couldn't help thinking people might get somewhat turned off, especially if there are younger audience members. This play really has wide appeal for all ages, and I think at some points the swearing is keeping it from it's full potential, viewer wise anyway. I found everything else to be extremely well-crafted and thought out. I hope I haven't come across as nit-pickish, I only saw your " tear it to pieces" line, and thought I'd go for the job. You have a great talent and I would definitly like to see this in theaters one day. I shall return to tomorrow to read Act Two. Well Done. ;) |
| SageBernkastel 2007-10-05 ch 1, | abuseIt was really funny and really good. I really like Jenna and I'd love to see this as a play. |
| Drama-Geek-1662 2007-02-18 ch 2, | abuseI still love your play and the consept and i think your a wounderful writer, but I think the ending needs work. But I love, Love your play. |
| Drama-Geek-1662 2007-02-16 ch 1, | abuseO my god that ways so good i can't believe how talented you are it was amazeing. I'm so excited to read act two this was a the best play I've ever read wounderful plot I really liked it. I think the best titil would be Here's To You Looking At Me Looking at you. I'm in aww... |