I like your plot so far. Update! The only real criticism I have is of your summary...is it just me, or does it give part of the story away?

Holy. Crap. That was really, really good. Can't wait for you to update.

I think this has always been and will always be my favorite chapter. I've always loved reading little "biographies" of the X-men and superheroes, reading what they're strengths and weaknesses are, and I really like the way you captured that in this chapter. Great job! Keep up the great work!

I really should put up some of my newer stuff up here...

Hey there! Long time, no talk, huh? Anywho, I really like this now. I can tell you've done a little more editing, either that or I can't remember what it looked like before. I still wanna read more!

... And I should probably update my story here as well... I've been working on another story actually... But I've only got about two pages of readable writing. All the rest is just plot notes and descriptions... Anyway, great job! I can't wait to read more!

I'm SO glad you updated! This was a great chapter! I hope you update soon!

bec

i have some problems with this chapter. The attempted suicide in the previous chapter was kind of emo and unrealistic, and i think we'd need some character development of the suicidal person. Also the whole '“Fiend, I abjure you!” ' and "hence" thing is kind of really cliché and funny sounding. otherwise, it's okay. I have some problems with the last paragraph, but the interactions between tara and alyssa are good.

i also think we need a little bit more explanation as to the way magic works in this world, because i'm not really sure yet.

Hmm...this story is...interesting...but there are some things to work on. I think first of all, and most importantly, the first scene is your primary concern. What all of those English teachers drill you on about making a 'hook' even in the first sentence is probably the strongest piece of truth you'll ever find in writing. But while reading the first scene of this story, I stuck out with it for a bit...and then was...bored. It was simply a few girls chattering about homework and classes. You tried to show their personalities, but honestly showed more of their bodies and habits than anything else and focused more on dialogue than setting the conflict or characters.

What you may want to consider is rewriting that scene so that the focus describes more of the characters' personalities than conversation, and work on a catchy first sentence. This first sentence could be simple, elegant, or even like a foreshadow of the whole story to come. A sentence about friendship would be great! Or, another approach that I think could truly work is jumping right ahead to the next scene, in which the bullies are mocking them. Set the scene better there by presenting an actual enemy... one who might be a little witty, or even attractive, because they present difficulty when it comes to standing up to them. The friendship line could work well as a first sentence there, a foreshadowing one would be HUGELY successful (for example, though I don't know your storyline, 'Some people say that life is really simple. Until that day, everything really had been. Just minutes ago they had only been three teenage outcasts, laughing over each others' homework habits, or the lack thereof. But Hope had found that day, that life was not always so simple, so innocent, or so obvious. It was a complex web of...' - this could work especially well if you follow up and present somewhat of a challenge in these bullies who are currently so stupid and unimportant), and even simply jumping into the action between the teenagers could work.

The beginning truly is likely the most important part of your story, like (a good!) breakfast to start your morning or a good foundation to build a house on - from there you can really pave the way to a great story. This has potential, as long as you steer clear of any cliches that people have seen/read before (The Craft, Covenant, Harry Potter, etc...)- just make sure you bring something unique to the writing table that you yourself (perhaps) have not been exposed to before.

In addition to this, something you may want to consider as you flesh out your story is to detail out the magic in your story. Not to us, per se, but somewhere, on paper, know exactly how and WHY your magick works, what the consequences are to the caster as well as the target, and why certain people have it and certain people don't. Again, I don't know yet where this story will go, but if you keep this in mind as well, your story will seem a lot more real and believable, even if it is fantasy. The readers don't have to know everything about your world, but as the writer of it, YOU certainly do.

So those were all just comments I think will help you, but this story is well on its way to greatness. There is a quick plot exposure, which in its current state, takes off the boredom from the first scene that I experienced. The characters show individuality, rather than being the same as one another, and they are characters many people, both teenage and older, can relate to.

Rare Gems, however, is what I try to maintain as a collection of ...well unique and pristine stories or ones that are already approaching that status, and mostly, have fewer reviews than they should. As the story is now, I am not inclined to read the next chapter, but if you (I know, you already have a dozen times, but now you have some input to work around) edit this beginning especially and contact me again with your hard work, then I will take another look. I'm glad you did contact me, and wish you the best with 'The Champion.'

~Cheers~

Oh I remember this part. I really like the way you describes how Alyssa saw the bone and healed it with magic. Great job!

You're an amazing writer Maia, even if I can give you a list of whats inspired you. But I'm pretty sure most if not all of it is subconscious and you have an amazing talenty thingy.

Oh, and I lost the game.

aww...the jumping thing was so...sad. see, at a high school five minutes away from our high school a kid just jumped off the roof. :( it was sad...

bec

Brilliant, Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! The emotions are nicely displayed, and the visual effects are very powerful. I don't think I could have written something better!
The only thing that bothers me is the way you described the magic. Don't get me wrong, its a wonderful way to portray it. To me, it just seems like too many people use that. You pick up any book on magic and witches, and thats probably the way they use magic too.
But hey, as they say, great minds do think alike. ;]
Anyway, great job. Keep it up!

Hehe, I know what happens next! Anyway, excellent job, and keep it up!

Just wanted to say "Yay!" that this story's back! Keep up the great work!

This chapter was SO exciting. Your description was amazing. I envy you. Ah well...anywho, I really like this and you better update soon because if you don't I shall hurt you. not really. but you get it.

bec

Yey! You posted the first chapter! I'm so proud of you...now, my comments...I thought it was great and very exciting. well, except for the beginning. I know you were trying to introduce the characters and what they were like and things like that, but maybe you could start with the scene with the fight and during that introduce the characters? I dunno. I'm trying to help here but I'm really bad at it. well, great chapter anyways!

bec