Heheh, I really liked this one. It flowed well, and I liked the cut here:

"words that didn't come. I just couldn't get it done."

Oddly enough it's the first line that strikes me the most out of the whole piece. I like the rhythm of some of the lines and can tell where you're coming from with the rap thing but the rhythm is not consistent enough to pass for rap although it does come across interestingly when read normally as a poem. Do keep writing!

not bad.

i like the first lines, actually. so don't be so hard on 'em!

oh, i like reading it, but i don't suggest saying it's a rap. it's more intriguing [to me] without that fact.