I think my main frustration with this piece is the structure in combination with your punctuation. I notice how you've tried to keep all the lines the same but really I think this would work with a few more lines breaks and a tad more punctuation.

Also although you only have two "and"s, you put them on consecutive lines so it feels a little jarring. I'd definitely recommend getting rid of both of them and letting it flow through a little more.

It's not bad but I feel that within the style there are certain things that just feel cliched such as "merrily", "dominion in the blue", "rejoicing discov'ries". They feel slightly contrived in this piece and more to the point like you're trying to imitate a style rather than emulate.

I'd also love a few stanzs in this. I can see two or three at least.

.:midnight:.