So yeah...I was just tired of the review meter being on 199, so close to friggin 200. I'm being OCD. Done now!

Chapter 27:

“I don’t think you’re a monster, and I don’t think you have to turn into one to live up to your title. You’re nothing like I thought you would be. Matter of fact, nothing about this war, or world, is what I thought it would be. I was created with a false pretense that there was a fine line between good and evil. I expected you to be this wicked demon ugly in soul and form, just as I’d expected Isaiah to be grotesque and barbaric. Now you two are the only people I have.” He laughed. “My point is, nothing is what it seems. This is all just situational irony in a large script we’ve been stuffed in. Instead of viewing yourself as a monster, view yourself as a leader in a position too important to be avoided...do you get what I’m saying?”

- Nice, powerful. This was great :D keep it up.

He put a new batch of pancakes on the pan, putting the already cooked food in the oven to stay warm. “I haven’t bitten a human in 250 years, but I’m not a...vegetarian.” He laughed. “I’d probably lose it if I only lived on that dreadfully nasty animal blood. Adam works at the hospital, and he provides me blood whenever I ask.”
“Adam?”
- I hate to point this out, but I’ve seen a vampire just like this on a TV show – Moonlight. (they stole your idea! Lol!) anyways.. I think the ‘vampire that despises feeding on humans’ pathetic. If you have a vampire - make them fearless and willing to kill. Don’t make them whimps :p

It was already too late. I’d cut quite a large gash on my index finger. The whole entire atmosphere had made a complete change. The air was stuffy. My heart beat was fast all of a sudden. My confusion of this change had to do with the fact that I didn’t understand the magnitude of this situation.

- Maybe add in above the ‘watch out’ that she was cleaning a knife or something otherwise I think she cut herself with a rag or plate.. and both sound quite unreasonable.

Doceon was challenging Aezra to a race down the stairs, a race that they both cheated on by going against the first rule and using powers.
- 12 or a few thousand years old? I can’t tell sometimes ;)
- No offence, but you should probably remove the countless pages of “dress-up” I seen speckling your story. It’s quite boring, and rather pointless at times.
- Being attacked was intresting but still – I find myself with the whole ‘everyone she meets is supernatural’ problem.. it’s too much, make less people powerful – it’s not needed I want to not know if the next person she meets is human or something else, not automatically assume ‘oh that girl on the swing isn’t human. No one she talks to is.’
- Meeting Haze again was a nice meeting though, it was nice to catch up with him real quick again. I think the story would have been a lot more interesting if the ‘Savior’ actually did something like went with him in the gang ;)

This chapter wasn’t too interesting the dress up and breakfast was kinda boring – and the riddles add in the cliché of knowing the future, and well – I hated that in Fantasy series I read a while back (stopped mid series cause of it)
I think you need to drop the mushy relationship stuff and add more dark stuff like her mind realm – that was defiantly your strong point of this story. If the entire story was like that – dark and evil, it would be 10 times more interesting. And something I would buy if ever published. I WANT IT DARKER, I WANT IT DARKER! You’re amazing when it comes to fights and creepy **…
So for the second draft you better add more action and remove the mushy pointless stuff that doesn’t progress the story any other than a 30 word method of saying “Isaiah cooked a delicious huge breakfast for us and we ate. I quietly ate as everyone else cheerfully chatted and challenged each other, their brightened moods from Doceon’s Light was obvious. The challenges went from races to eating contests to tongue twisters. I smiled to myself as these adults took part in game after game that only a child usually plays. Then after breakfast we all decided to dress up in Victorian clothing Aezra picked out and go out shopping”

chapter 26:

from angry to friendly again? Bit of an odd transaction.. I still don’t get why he’s so mad about it in the first place…
“Darkness was now a large tornado. Suddenly it shot towards me from the bottom up at full force.”
You watch a lot of anime? This seems to have similarities to things I’ve seen before ;)

The area really did turn into a death wasteland – describe this more. Also, nice touch on the mermaids – that was really creative and a nice touch.

“I couldn’t help but watch Doceon fight. He attacked with brute determination, sheer speed, and smart moves. My eyes couldn’t follow his movements quick enough. Every few seconds he was shooting out a new weapon at the beast, but he never stayed still long enough for the dogs to hit him. He really had succeeded in distracting the dogs from me.”

I’m starting to notice this a lot. You’re telling me what happened, not describing what happened. Here is something that looks a lot prettier and could be considered closer to ‘describing’ what happened.

“I couldn’t help but watch Doceon fight. He attacked with brute determination, sheer speed, and smart moves. My eyes couldn’t follow his movements quick enough. First I saw the cof a large gun go off just above the demon dog’s center head. Then before I could even blink he managed to have a small cross bow behind the dog with its well aimed bolt launching at a foot. Half a second later he was speeding around the edge of the room lunging sharp razor blades at the dog. The dog was so flustered with his speed and all the items being shot at it couldn’t even spin fast enough to strike back. The dog paid no heed to me as it continued to track down the speeding bolt as the bolt managed to fling two arrows out of a golden bow somewhere above me. Doceon had really succeeded in distracting the dog for me, it was is if I was no longer trapped in a force shield in the center of the room anymore.

There, I pretty much describe what happened, I didn’t just say he was shooting new weapons at the dog – I describe what he was doing. I didn’t say he never stayed in a spot for goo long – describe how fast he moved. I didn’t say his moves were working, I describes how the dog paid no attention to her.

Now, maybe if you can try to make this description even better. Instead of saying this ‘He attacked with brute determination, sheer speed, and smart moves’ describe it. Tell me what he’s doing to attack with brute determination, tell me how sheer his speed was, and tell him just how brilliant his moves where…

‘Do you think my story would get banned if published?’

And gosh, if yours get’s banned then mine won’t even get published in the first place… there are always stories out there darker than yours.

okay, back to the description part, pretty much you want to 'explain' everything that happens and not 'tell' what happens. I just picked out a small section that I noticed, you tell A LOT and you need to get off that - pretty much when you type something think "what? and how" instead of just continuing. Don’t tell me "he's fast" - tell me how he moves, "say he sped around the entire room so fast I could hardly keep track of him. Then before my mind could even comprehend what was going on he flung himself into the air and was, with in an instant, above the dogs snapping off crossbow bolts with a crossbow he spawned out of thin air."

Wow. It took me several days to read this story, but it was completely worth it. It was a little iffy in the begining, but after you got through some rough spots, I fell in love with The Awakening. It was simply amazing how much thought was put in it, but I was a little disspointed when you didn't explain more about the creatures!

I would love to see your next story!! I can't wait!!

Aw come on now, you only give a short preface? Ohh and ill be waiting to see if you win, just waitin till august.

I can wait till the next story, or can't either way they're good stories!

I think your original story was great. But it's your story, I think your next well be better. :D

Ch 17

I thought I looked absolutely reproachful, but Isaiah didn’t seem to think so. He was happier this morning than I had ever seen him, and his clothing was less...dark than usually. He wore a large purple hat with a feather in it. His vest and tie was the same shade of purple as his hat, but the rest of his attire – jacket, pants, and shoes – were jet black. His long, curly hair was tied back in a ponytail with various purple ribbons.

@.@
Ch 18

M you need more detail in the knife part, sounded a bit rushed to me… and less prepared than the rest of the story. To me this chapter seems less prepared, and kinda childish, (more inmature) maybe it hasn’t been edited as much, or needs a 2nd draft more than others. For some reason, it just bugged me a bit. – though last chapter was amazing… it was mysterious, funny, and keep me entertained. This well – I would have to say, was more… predictable? I can’t put my finger on it, but it just felt, not as good as it could have been to me. Maybe I’ll come back and try again to see what was missing.

Ch 19.

Short! And well written, this chapter fit well, and flowed nicely – even introduced some drama. Though its not my kind of thing it fit well, maybe the cat will be another main character? I assume it is also supernatural.

Ch 20

The cat was nice, and the ending wasn’t really too much of a surprise – you seem to be set on how you pop in twists like that so it was kinda expected. Is EVERYONE she meets all of a sudden a supernatural creature? The ‘I changed and now saw one and suddenly they are everywhere thing’ always kinda bothered me personally. If you ever seen moonlight – the main character (beth?) finds a vampire – next thing you know every other ‘person’ she meets is a vampire.. it was like she couldn’t see them until she met her friend. It’s the same concept. It’s not terrible – just more predictable, gets to the point where the reader will assume that everyone she meets is inhuman and it will lose its surprise factor when they are revealed as what they are. The best bet is to make them not ever know, give her just as many normal human encounters as there are inhuman encounters – and sometimes have them hide or pretend. This way it keeps the reader interested – not knowing weather they are human or inhuman can be just another mystery. Someone faking powers or faking normality will keep me (and maybe others) more interested, and keep the story crisp and fresh.

Ch21

M this was well written, I wouldn’t mind more depth in this or previous chapters about what goes on during a lesson – like review a lesson to give an example of what happens during them. All I can so far is how long it is and what she does in the first few minutes… maybe write a chapter about the quality time they spend during a lesson :) it may not have any action in it, but I still think knowing teaching strategies and what she learns would be interesting. You can also slip in details about the history of supernatural creatures in it as well.


Ch 22

At first I thought they were hanging from very thin strings, but all of the chandeliers were floating up and down in a fashion that was almost ghostly.

Cliché. Sounds like your coping some Mario dungeon… or hundreds of other games and ghostly attributes. Everything else before felt a bit more original and intresting.

The hall of talking pictures of who she killed – I liked that.
Okay, I’m noticing a nasty trend here. EVERY person except Alecia seems to have the exact same personality. They seem distant and powerful at first, then suddenly turn into over excited impatient people… it happens with EVERY character, I think you need to find a word document and write down the personalities and attributes of all your characters (as you seem to have a lot and more keep getting added in.) This is a great idea someone once told me (that I never took up because I really have less than five main characters in my entire story thus far) every person seems to mush together into a single personality.

Ch23
“but this is the third time I’ve seen you in 600 years.”
I thought he said he was 593!?!?!?!?!?!?
Oh, and I just noticed now lol – every time you start a quote (no matter what was in front of it) the start of it quote is caped (the but) and the end should be a comma followed by a lower case letter (with exception of explanations and questions or names after the quote)

It was a bit soppy. The start of this story started out very good, but it has a mellow center – really lost my interest after she left the catacombs, it turned form a crisp, interesting almost ‘horror’ like story to a typical drama with supernatural creatures involved. (boring! It needs more action and adventure! The Aezra realm was nice, but short lived…

Ch24

Finally, he let go of me. “It seems you’ve forgotten quite a few minor things. First off, you promised a little girl at Potbelly’s that you’d come back for her and”—

YAY!? More of the girl? Hell’s circus? The roller coaster was a bit blurry to me – at least how they ended up strapped in. maybe clear that up.

Ch25
HA HA HA HA!! YES! this is brilliant! The description was great, the maze wonderful, the clowns and demons disgusting and freaky, I love it. IT took 24 chapters for something interesting to show up, and about dang time, it was totally worth the read just to get to this chapter! Will read on :D

This chapter was great, kept me interested and looking for more. Only problem was the Samuel encounter – ripping of the wings was nice but the friendship to hatred part was a bit rushed and odd, how could he change so fast – if he was an all power smart angel he should of know the consequences from the start, not just realize them after Samuel mentioned them. But, all in all – I have to say, best chapter yet.

CH13
“seriously tutor supernatural creatures.”
Rather than being so blunt about it, you should make up a name for it or say something else, something that’s simple and sounds natural for him to say.. “supernatural creatures” seems a bit to straightforward…

I like the ‘catacombs’ – they are mysterious, and casually mentioned, and flow well (unlike saying supernatural creatures :p)

I stared at the window,
At or out? :p

I like Isaiah, thus far he’s more regular with no sudden mood shifts (he flows better and doesn’t look like two people… very good on him so far.


CH14
“She looked absolutely adorable...until she smiled; there were canines in her mouth that would make a wolf run and hide”
Oh! These sound interesting, you should go more in depth on the teeth, color, organized? Everywhere? Sharp? Dull? Wha!?!?

“From what I could see out of the side of my, there were at least five people on the first floor – one adult and four kids of varying ages.”
What?

“It took Lucas 20 years to realize that hunting me was useless.”

- In chapter 15
“I’m really 593.”
- In chapter 16
Seems you got your facts mixed up :p

“Who changed my clothes for me the day I fainted?”
Ha! Nice 5th question. Well done :p

Aezra's journal was nice. Interesting.. I liked it.
M on a side note what happened to the lost girl in the restaurant!?!? (he he)

Yeah, whoa. Way off base with my first thought about who Isaiah loved.

Although Vlad is a bit too...overcome by anger, I'm on his side. But I think Alexander means well.

A weird thought ran through my mind when I first wondered who Isaiah loved: Alecia. I'll find out soon enough!

And The Awakening is an awesome story title, but I think Danse Macabre would probably fit better. So there's my input.

Love the story!

I don't know what you're talking about, Im' completely satisfied. Good Luck cause I know your going to need it. :D
Can't wait!

A the ** got a back bone. HAHA

Wow this is great. Finnaly the war is upon us and she is the savior. Very good!

I miss Levi. And my favorite character is Levi. Then Augustine. :)