FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| simmons 2007-11-28 ch 1,  | abusesome typos, almost as if you wrote this in a rush: -4. paragraph 1. line: tho needs to be though -4. paragraph 2. line: "that blotch exploded" the problem is is that needs to reference something already mentioned, and as you had not previously mentioned any blotches, you need to somehow change this sentence. How best to do this is something i can not tell you. I would suggest using 'the' instead of 'that' but it seems to almost interrupt the flow more than it helps. -last paragraph 1. line "yet heart reaches out to someone" i feel as if this needs to be specific. 'the heart' or maybe 'my heart' but with simply 'heart' it feels awkward. i found this piece to well written despite the errors. It is a different view on love, relationships, trust, and betrayal that is quite unconventional; however using you heart gives it a real feeling. I won't say it is my favorite piece of your writing, but i will say it is one of my favorite styles of writing. keep writing and i'll keep reveiwing |
| lunar_beauty 2007-02-27 ch 1, anon. | abuseHeya, this is wonderful! Its also my exact same pattern :P so it was very easy to relate to! Beautifully written |