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| rosetintedgoggles 2007-06-10 ch 3,  | abuseWow! I love this story, and the plot, and the characters, and you. I'd also love to help you out, but I fail at everything but providing a sounding board. Sorry. T_T |
| ecwix 2007-04-04 ch 3, | abuseOkay, just a few quick notes. I don't want to spend too long as I really need to get to bed. -- In the beginning of the chapter, there seemed to be a very boring, obvious, sorta infodump thing where you just spit out the "history" of the world. I sort of found that annoying. And also, histories like that can get sorta corny. Personally, I would just take out the section and just let the reader think up his/her own explanation. -- Second, the line “Cloaking devices. They refract light off objects instead of bouncing it back to your eyes, and they make us transparent to the human eye.” really really annoyed me. There are multiple problems. 1.) Refract? Refraction is the change in direction of a wave due to a change in its speed. It sounds as though you just threw in the word to make it sound scientific and therefore, credible. 2.) If I'm guessing correctly on how you want the thing to work, by making the light that approaches/leaves the user not bounce back to the viewer's eyes by disrupting all light that comes towards/away from them, there is another problem. That would mean that the user of the "cloaking device" would also be unable to see, since the light that he/she needs to see would also be disrupted. Problem? I think so. -- Maybe work on the science there a bit. I might add a bit more to my review later, but for now, I'll try to end it soon. The storyline is moving quickly and is succeeding in attracting my attention. I think you do well with the characterization and the dialogue isn't bad either. I'm looking forwards to the next update :). |
| sun 2007-03-17 ch 2, anon. | abuseThis is realy good so far please continue it. It flows well together and i'm glad you have a site. |
| cheesecake.thief 2007-03-12 ch 2, | abuseOh, neat story. I really like it. Micro-chipped humans *shudder* ugh, and 100 years ago, people cooked things by open fire... |
| Jai Akari 2007-03-08 ch 1, | abuseVery Good. Update soon! I can't wait to see what happens next. |
| ecwix 2007-03-03 ch 1, | abuseThey raised the wristwatch on their wrist and pushed a tiny button that looked as though it was used to set the alarm. Who's this they? A very interesting and engrossing start. I myself am very interested in the topic of government control, so I found your topic very interesting. However, I did feel that the setting seems somewhat unrealistic, as I would probably NEVER let a mind-controlling chip into my head, no matter what it did. But otherwise. Great job! |