You've taken a very literal approach to this poem. Your rhyme scheme is also very plain being AA BB CC DD and so on and so forth. You've also stuck yourself in a meter length of 10 syllables...Like many authors I feel you've locked yourself into a magical world of rules that somehow you perceive to make or break your work.
I know that you know that meter length matters and I know that rhyming is very important to you and therefore I am finding the choices you have made disappointing. When an author confines himself to such strict rules as you have, the reader expects him to amaze nevertheless.
Lines 6 and 7 make an attempt at this and I feel that if you were to bring the reader into your choice of imagery that he/she would not feel that you've contained yourself in your technical structure.
For instance in the first four lines you are direct. You use "I" and "my" and it is very personal but your actions are so base and plainly stated as compared to what you do in the last four lines. You take the reader out of this contained subject and put them outside into the setting. You give context to the suffering and death of the subject and it is through this context that the reader no longer needs the blunt statements of lines 1-4.
I find that you give too much away in line 4, however, when you put the word blood at the end. As an author dealing with the idea of death, you have the ability to toy and play with the readers' minds so why not do it?

In regards to your total body of works:

Over all I think that content and word choice is your biggest challenge. You have marvelous ideas and pay very good attention to line, rhyme, and stanza structure but perhaps playing a more cat and mouse game with the reader would give him/her more suspense with your writing. While I find that you are decent enough of a poet, I feel that you can take it to that next level with a bit more effort.
My best advice is to explore working with pure setting, pure description that goes beyond the simple: "I did _ and my hands did _" Flourish your descriptions. Give the reader a tantilizing buffet of imagery but hold it out just in front of their noses where they can't quite grasp it. You must give them something to work for, something to play over in their heads and not just picture some generic street and some generic feeling.

You've got the ability, I want to see more,
D.M.N.

... it wasnt untill after i finished reading
that i realized.. i wasnt breathing. for real.
wow

I love this poem
its really awesome
i just cant explain it..
i like it that much

-MI

Profound.

I really like this a lot becase I can relate to it.

deep breath : )

if you don't mind...

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. All thing were made through Him, and wihout Him nothing was made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.
John 1

-that sounds to me like what you are looking for, that is what i have found ! if you want to talk, let me know
i hope i helped some.

i still love your poetry though : )
write more!

i like it.

i'd like to see more poems from you
'cause i like your style
i feel like this is just the beginning.

fine job : )

I read your story, The Hungry Dead and I think I feel in love with your writing style.
This of course was no different; kind of twisted yet at the same time it had that romantic feel to it.