I'm going to try reviewing AS I read. I have not done that before, so pardon me if it is broken.
I'm not exactly perfect at punctuations but: "Her emotions seemed to mix, forming into a solid block of misery; as tears started to whelm in her eyes." I'm not sure (I may be wrong); is the ";" supposed to be a comma? And "It felt as if a cold, hard, steel cage had wrapped itself around her fragile heart, crushing and destroying what was left of her life, evrytime the thought arose." EVRYTIME. Woops! I do that a lot, too. This isn't a neccesity, but it would be more flowing if it was written "she made her movements slow and calm so NOT TO scare". That is very realistic; whenever I cry, my sister's cat always tries to get me to pet her. "He was the most perfect little kitten Jess had ever seen and she adored him" needs a comma. Aww...kitty =C. You don't actually have to write it "mid-night", but- hey- that might be a British thing. Need a ";" after lullaby. Again, you either need a ";" or a new sentence after "Everything seemed to slow down". You don't need a comma after "climbed in through the window". Stranger danger! You need a ";" or a new sentence after "sounded like death". I love your similes. Definitely ";" after "should've left it". EXCITING-NESS! I'm probably wrong on this one: "seconds felt like hours, minute like centuries" (check the punctuation) would make more comparitive sense if it were "seconds felt like DECADES". But that may be changing what you wanted to say. Is this right: "a new name came up, that wasn't there before: Rick. or ...Rick"? I like to end sentences with prepositions, as well; that rule is stupid. I'll stop editting your puncuation...but you really need to edit that (I probably do, too, for the "Man from Keltbury Hill"; I'm horrible at puncuation.) "it sounded strange and EXCITING", you confused me for a second. "onto every T.V. screen". That government is really stupid...it doesn't sound much different from North Korea. She has such an odd middle name. "your punishment is:". "you will learn to repent ?of? your actions,". Cheese =]. "Jess shuddered". The Guillotine was a stupid creation. All components of love..eh? How about Rick? O no! The kitty! Hmm...she is turning quite unreasonable. Hmm...love is no illness. Neither is it the devil's enticer...his is "lust" which, though erroneously mistaken for love quite often, is NOT love. Lust is wanting to satiate YOUR pleasures. Love is a "clinging together", you love another as if they ARE you...it is wanting to do the absolute best to the beloved, whatsoever best benefits his/her life in the LONG-RUN, for the beloved IS you. Life is love. She's got it backwards. HE was the sinner? We're all sinners. That was twisted. I must be honest: I didn't like it at all. Not, of course, because of the writing. You write eztraordinarily well (work on puncuation). But the subject in a whole...is just so sick. But, after reading your profile, I know that is your style. Then, I must admit it was GOOD...but it did not have GOODNESS.
That story creeps me out...and I am sure "The Man from Keltbury Hill" would creep me out if I hadn't written it. =\ I'm not one for horror. But bravo. (and the government is not evil; it is an imaginary thing...the PEOPLE in it are the evil. Human beings are desperately evil in their hearts.)
-Sivan Ilius