I think its very well done! good job! keep writing.

I would say that the grammatical divisions hindered the flow, but that would be hypocrisy because I format my poetry precisely the way you do.

I thought 'good bye' was one word? Maybe 'tis a usage thing in other areas of the world? No idea. Anyway, good job with this.

It's really easy to break apart sentences and delete enough of the words to try and make them seem deep- and a lot of people do it. They often use big, 'powerful' words in them, though. It's a little different that you didn't do that, but it's still a lot the same as most others. Sorry for sounding like such a hater. I'm not hating on your piece, in itself, it's actually pretty peaceful and pretty, but the style. I'm just a stupid kid anyways and it's smart though, so good job. I like it. Sara.