is sara_kali from neo

hi. i read the first part of your story on neopets a while ago, and i really like how it's going. really, there are just a few phrases here and their that don't sound quite right. your doing great

*hugs Frederick* Freddy-dear! *snuggle* *sniffle*

Anyway -- it was kind of short but ah well, the length is totally your decision. I did find it a little hard to believe that a seven-year-old would process all that or understand everything and accept it right off. I know if I was that old and saw that I'd try to convince myself they're sleeping but then again I'm not your character and for all I know Freddy could be a very advanced seven-year-old and if that's the case the only suggestion I have for you is to somehow let the readers know about the little quirks and odd things of your charries without going straight out and saying it. Show, don't tell. ^^

Review for Chapter One:

I've decided to review chapter by chapter: one at a time so -- yeah, this is the review for chapter one ^^.

First off, I like the story and the little kid is totally my favorite character but anyway: I have some critiques. They're suggestions so you don't have to follow them and I apologized since I'm incredibly nit-picky on things so most of these are minor details: For starters, you seem to, especially in the beginning, overuse pronouns and even nouns. You go 'she did this. She did that. She did this. She did that.'. It makes the actions seem a bit jerky, in a way. Putting details in between and finding other ways to signify actions could help that a lot. Secondarily, I would've liked more background information on the town before the drought because I think that might have added effect to the story. It wouldn't need to be extraordinarily long or just facts -- you could fill it in with Almy's [can I call her Almy?] personal experiances or such. The main trouble I had with the piece though was how the paragraphs didn't seem to flow... They would go to an entirely different thing so the story itself at times was a little hard to follow.

Also, as a very nit-picky notes: I think you should let some implications run and that way you don't have to tell the reader everything [they'll figure it out?]. I thought the impact that Freddy was going to battle should have been stronger and Freddy seemed to go through a drastic personality change from "Ha! I'm Brave!" to "Thank you... *shy awkward smile*". Lastly for the nit-picks, I like thoughts better when they're just italicized and therefore implied that they're thoughts: the 'Almy though "blah blah blah"' kind of made my head spin a bit -- but that's just a personal preference. ^^

Overall though, I liked it lots. *hugs Freddy*

-is Synubis from neo-

Your words are a bit repetitive at times, watch for that! Otherwise, I like this idea. The whole scene of the battle aftermath was welldone. It could be fleshed out a bit more, too, but that can be done later. Good job.

I've just read all three chapters and I can say this is a very promising story, the chapters are a bit on the short side- but that's no major flaw. I think you craft the scene well, however your transitions between places are a bit jerky. Keep up the good work!

Sometimes things seem just a bit rushed, but it isn't that bad. Your chapters are a bit short and I felt as though chap.2 and 3 could have been just one, but I can't really criticize because my own chapters are short too. Over all, good job. This seems to have a lot of potential and I can't wait to read more!

It seemed to flow a bit fast at times, but it's a good start! You'll probably get a good feel of pacing by the third chapter, as long as you don't rush it.

A few tidbits: "such a hostile war" is kind of repetitive. Wars, by nature, are hostile. Try finding some other adjective. Also, you don't need to say "equally as awkward"; "equally awkward" is enough, or "just as awkwardly", if you're refering to the manner of speaking.

I think that you could really thrive under the guidance of a beta reader, but lacking that, just read over and try to eliminate any bits that don't sound right. By what I read so far, though, you're doing pretty well. It's such a cute story!