Reviews for One World - FictionPress.com

Elizabeth07
2007-12-27
ch 1,

I read the other review, and I disagree with the words.. I think I understand what your story signifies.. They are friends, despite their sameness and major differences. They know what each other is thinking, but, dare not speak it aloud, for fear of rejection. The girl would, according to the end, reject the guy, for as she thinks to herself, he had lost his chance before, and they have reached the "friend zone" and will never surpass it again. I like your writing, it is poetic in nature, and if you read time and time again, you understand the nuances, even though I only read it once, and understood, and it spoke to me. More detail would be nice, but, I think it would just spoil the story, and make it less contradictory, which is what you were going for in the first place. Good work!

squiggle-line
2007-03-12
ch 1,

Hi,

just some comments:

-WORDING-
"They were addicted to each other, like a smoker [to?] his cigarette."

"Perhaps it was that [which?] kept them together?" The double thats is a bit awkward but I don't think any other word (even the one I'm suggesting) really fits. Maybe reword the entire sentence?

"...perhaps this made the whole plot-[being life]-more extravagant for the two of them." I have no idea what this sentence means.

"She knew she would never have [what?] she dreamt of..." "the more" sounds a bit awkward. "...but this was better than nothing []."

"...hoping she would feel his [link? or some other word. Engagement has connotations that you might not want to have associated with this sentence.] to her through his grasp."

-CONTENT-
I think there is too much abstraction in this story and not enough concrete detail. The first eight or so paragraphs all seem to say the same thing: they're good friends. While the language flows smoothly, the topic gets repetitive after a while. Maybe _show_ the reader how they are good friends? Tell us about an incident between the two of them that demonstrates the strength of their bond. Also, as a reader, with a lack of concrete details, I don't feel like I get to know the characters at all. While the ending situation is not exactly ideal, because I don't feel a bond with the charaters, their unhappiness is of no importance to me and seems a bit...well, pathetic. (I'm not trying to be harsh...I just feel like the way the story is presented, with the two characters so wrapped into each other, there isn't any room left for an outsider to care.)

I know the focus of this piece is on the two of them but when the story mentioned the girl's ex-boyfriend, I wanted to know more. I think giving the reader an idea of what happened between the girl and her ex-boyfriend might make the current state of the relationship between the girl and her friend seem more significant.

Kudos to you for being able to write in third person. I find it terribly difficult and I think you've taken full advantage of this point of view's benefits in this story. My only criticism is that the changes in focus seem to contradict the idea you are going for in the opening of the story ("They were, in almost every sense of the cliche, almost two parts of the same person." A fitting line, by the way) In the end, the mentalities of the two characters seem so far apart that it seems like the only thing that is keeping them together is the lack of physical space between them. Maybe direct the focus on one character instead of both?

I think the language is gorgeous but there are spots when it seems a bit forced. ("Verbal battles that caused deep psychological pains..." "...with his hidden past and lust for life." "For her comedy and his eccentricity...") There are so many wonderful lines in this too. I liked the phrase "force their way to the forefront" and "rebuffed soundly" and oh, my absolute favorite: "They were always trying to upstage life." That last line ("...and for a moment their world was almost whole") is an absolute killer too.

Nice start.

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