Hi Nolisha,

I like this bleak post-apocalyptic world that you've recreated. I am, however, a little confused as to what you are trying to accomplish. The story description claims that this piece is "complete," and there does seem to be a conclusion, but I can't find the conflict's resolution, or indeed more than the foreshadowing of conflict. Do you intend to add further chapters later on? You've created an interesting situation; it would be a shame to waste it.

If the story is to remain as it is (actually, even if you plan to add more) it would benefit, in my opinion, from being more tightly packed and to-the-point. Until Jude meets the girl, the story consists mostly of him wandering about and alternately reflecting to himself about his mission or admiring the landscape. It is sometimes hard to see the connecting thread. By all means keep the descriptive bits, they're great for the atmosphere, but I would put clearer transitions between one paragraph and the next.

I think the story would also work better if the opening paragraph and situation were more attention-grabbing. Perhaps start with a striking image of the desolate city, or with the scene where the king tells Jude to go look for the object (if you absolutely must introduce that bit of background info right away) or even with his meeting with the girl, and work back/around from there. At this point, you neither have a powerful image (rain just isn't all that exciting, especially if you live in the North like me) nor an action scene to act as a "hook."

I thought I'd also point out that you have an extra apostrophe in your story's title, which is surprising since the spelling/grammar in the story itself is, insofar as I'm concerned, pretty much impeccable. You might want to vary your sentence structure more and try to use the occasional metaphor, but other than that, your writing is pretty solid.

Keep on writing! I would be glad to see more of this particular piece, if you do intend on taking it further eventually. If that's the case, good luck.

Lucie