I'm not going to be too terribly detailed, but here goes. This piece is clearly in need of a strong re-write, but the basic concept, and the event progression and the skeleton are all more than decent.
Things I notice are your mastery of awkward language in this story. Especially in the earlier part, you use words that aren't -quite- appropriate. Mostly weird action words.
On the typo end, there's a high occurrence of missing letters in words, especially in contractions. There will just be a space where that letter should be. Probably technical as opposed to human error, but worth noting in a read-over.

Another minor thing that bothered me was your reference to X-Men and Men in Black, particularly the former. Even before seeing that, the short spiel sounded like the one Xavier gave in the first X-Men movie, and when I saw you acknowledge that, it was a bit like a slap in the face. You don't want to highlight these kinds of similarities too much.

Final note is that the title seems entirely senseless, but maybe this is remedied in the later bits.

I'll move on to the next part later tonight.
Hope this was helpful/not annoying.

I'm not going to pretnd I completely understand all the elements at work in this story, for it's a very strange piece of prose indeed. However, I seem to recall you telling me that you weren't overtly ond of it when we spoke - and yet, I rather enjoyed it.

I haven't got any criticism to make on the story itself (besides being a tad vague at times - exactly who, for instance, was Maria Ann Denver rebelling against? What is HAPGI (besides the fact it's obviously an organisation run by kids...)? And... well, what's up with the pink dress thing? Am I missing something?

But you work well with dialogue, and I detected no grammatical or spelling errors. And I'm studying to be an Editor, so this is high praise.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to read more of your work. You've got me very interested.

Awesome stuff! *sigh* Let me slam you first though ok? I leave the good stuff for last.

So the beginning was rough. The first annoyance was with all the doors, a little repetitive. Then when Eli was examining his bro's office, it sounded like you were implying it was Eli's office instead. And then the last problem I had, a little later you said 'His home environment was a great deal more...' but this was written like the second time he went to his brother's home study. I think this should be moved up to when he first was in it, in like the third paragraph-ish. Lastly, overall, I'd have to say that the one thing you could work on is improving your descriptions of the 'static' characters, the *cough*nurse*ahem* especially.

Now what I really enjoyed was the dialogue! You have a lot of skill in this- especially when it comes to letting a character's personality leak through. I loved to read the dialogue, and since this is the most powerful aspect of your writing, I didn't mind the huge amount of it. My second favorite was, in fact, your characters. They were well-crafted without being too fleshed, or stereotypical. Each contained their own quirks that distinguished them from the others. I think having Eli and Jason as brothers really gives the reader a chance to see how you can make even two similiar characters distinct.

Oh yeah, that whole 'incident' about two-fifths of the way into the story was VERY well done! I thought it was over for em, lol. And it wasn't so sudden or out of place that I didn't want to read anymore, you know what I mean? I still wanted to continue reading even though a definite misfortune appeared to fall upon the two main characters, whereas usually I'd lose interest in the story when a misfortune of such magnitude occurs so early on.

The rest of the story from Tim's infirmary stay onwards was very much smooth sailing. It was very well-written, and you introduced the situations fairly well, although again I must say, *wags finger* try to flesh out characters like Keth or the people in the vans a little more. It seems to me that if a character wasn't very interesting to you personally, you didn't feel like describing him/her well...

Sorry that's pretty blunt, but... that's really how it feels to me as a reader (though I'm sure an average reader wouldn't draw specific conclusions like this, they'd probably just get a feeling about it and shrug it off) I'm just trying to help ya know? *wishesyoucouldputsmiliesinreviews*

Now the ending was a little abrupt, as I'm surprised Jason didn't shoot the little turd and get it over with, heheh. But overall, I'd say this:

Your weak points were some parts in the beginning that I mentioned and describing semi-important characters in a cardboard way. This is notable mainly in the nurse, Keth, and the guys in the vans at the end.

Your strong points included how well you 1) described the characters/moved the story along through great dialogue, 2)took the time to descript only places that were essential, and knew when other places would do better with just the reader's imagination, and 3)just constructed the story well; it was shocking at parts and intriguing at others. I was never bored or too confused to continue reading, and it was even a very eventful climax near the end. And at other times, I would just think 'wow, that was pretty genius o.o' (come on, the dude writes things and they become true so to speak? Frickin awesome idea, would be a killer movie/anime... slash that, awesome anime really!)

I enjoyed the story and can't wait to move on to your other ones! Now if you'd tell me what you thought of my review, I can improve before I continue, so I can better help you improve your skills. Peace Moondoggie nii-san xD lol (hey watch Eureka Seven!!)

I was sure you'd already put this up ... well, I've already reviewed it once, so I'll use this to say a couple of other things. I haven't seen you on Gaia in ages. :P

Erm ... I am still writing, but not much, and not strictly the next part of the story. For the first time ever, I've been outlining it and writing up synopses. And I've tried my hand at some scriptwriting, too. But I don't have anything complete enough yet to be bothered putting it up on ficpress ... I was thinking of making a "random scraps" entry and just sticking up whatever I write, but some of it may end up spoiling my main plot for you.

I mean, if you *really* want to read some of it, then sure ... just some forewarning, ya know?