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| blue centerlight pop 2007-03-20 ch 1,   | The first thing I notice about this piece is how seldom your sentence structure varies. Try reading this aloud: I touched the little box in my pocked and smiled. I really hoped I had done the right thing, picked the right thing. All my life I’d waited for someone like her and now that I’d found her I [don't] want to [loose] her. Her name is Melanie Jameson, the perfect girl for me. My name is Richard Bane and I don’t know what I would have done if I had never met Melanie. I met her at a bookstore of all places. [don't --> didn't] [loose --> lose] Notice how all the lines sound very much the same? Try starting some with gerunds instead. You know...switch it up! Use your language to keep the reader engaged! A lot of your description is really well done. For example, the reader can definitely pick up on the anxiety of the protagonist. I like that the couple met in a bookstore -- maybe you could build more of the story around that detail. Are they both big readers? Are they into the bookstore-coffeehouse scene? The biggest flaw of this story -- in my opinion -- is how little we know about the characters. Yes, you set up a physical description of Melanie, and we know that she has a job that requires her to attend meetings, but what else? Those details are not nearly as important as those that deal with her personality, with the way she interacts with Richard. I'm not sure whether you had a word restriction on this piece, but elaboration is necessary. You tell us that "[t]here was a stream of conversation the whole time as there always was when we were together," but you don't tell us what they say, or how they say it. Do they tell each other about their day, or debate what they're going to do after dinner, or argue playfully about literature or politics or world events? Do they have nicknames for each other? Dialogue here would strengthen the entire piece immensely. As is, you have the bones of a potentially great story. If you want it to become that great story, you have to ask yourself what, exactly, makes this couple interesting? A man is nervous about proposing, eats dinner with his girlfriend, proposes when dessert comes, and is ecstatic when she says yes. That's fantastic for the character, but why will the reader care? You need to set up an emotional connection between the reader and the characters, which can best be done by showing more. Hope all of my rambling helps you out. Feel free to message me if you have any questions. Best of luck! |
| CitizenOfZozo 2007-03-20 ch 1, | Cute story. Her response at the end is a little wordy, it might be more effective if you made it simpler. A little more insecurity or uncertainty might also help the ending feel more satisfying, but the story's well written enough as it is. Minor spelling corrections, in this context, "suite" should have been "suit" and "loose" should have been "lose." |