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| bookwormish 2007-10-01 ch 1,  | abuseNice, you can really feel the music, the rhythm pound in your chest. If you feel that you need something raw, try elaborating on the rage and bite. ("sound pounding in your chest"?) Or perhaps you could alter the line containing "keeps me" to something like "Keep me from/ Slipping into a monotone!" or "keep me from/ falling into monotone!" Which would add an emphatic feel to it. I, however like the poem as is, but as a rule if you feel something is missing then for you something is. Tweak it 'til it sings to you, heh. Yeah, I got nuthin' else. ~Kitish |
| Sexy vampirechick 2007-04-16 ch 1, | abuseVery music-like.I can hear your voice through it.Or am I hearing things?Nah..just joking.It's great! Maybe the line "Just let it suck you in." right after "Rage and bite,music pumping through your bones." would give it more of a little something. Anyhow...just a suggestion. |