 bookwormish 2007-10-01 . chapter 1Nice, you can really feel the music, the rhythm pound in your chest. If you feel that you need something raw, try elaborating on the rage and bite. ("sound pounding in your chest"?) Or perhaps you could alter the line containing "keeps me" to something like "Keep me from/ Slipping into a monotone!" or "keep me from/ falling into monotone!" Which would add an emphatic feel to it. I, however like the poem as is, but as a rule if you feel something is missing then for you something is. Tweak it 'til it sings to you, heh. Yeah, I got nuthin' else.
~Kitish |