Reviews for Aubrianne - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Aubrianne

Celebuial 2007-05-10 ch 2,	Another good chapter, suspiciously like Harry Potter, but still good. A few more little things in this chapter: "“Michael he was dad’s!"- could use a comma after "Michael" "“You should get him a cage,” Grabbing his luggage Michael spoke, “less he does that again.” “I know,” Michael grabbed his luggage as well and followed his brother, “but he doesn’t like cages.”" - is a little confusing. I'm not sure who is speaking and who is doing what. "though Michael’s frame was blue while Jasyn’s were just black."-i think glasses, even if it is only one pair, have "frames," not "frame" "only difference between the two’s appearance"- two people have appearances, plural. "She was starring outside"-- I think you want "staring" "focused intently beyond the cab's window's."- I think you want "cab's window" "She had long brown her like her brother's,"- typo, first "her" = "hair" Just little things really. It could definitely use more commas, to make it read easier. Try reading it like you would say it and add a comma where you pause or take a breath. That might be too many, but it really helps. All these are just suggestions, so feel free to ignore any of them you want: it's your story :) Keep it up! This is a really interesting story idea! :D
Celebuial 2007-05-10 ch 1,	Pretty good :D I really like the description of the library, and the idea of magic and technology existing in the same world is something I really enjoy. The last few paragraphs became a little less easy to read, but maybe I am just trying to read it too fast. ;P "Karin most likely would scold him for allowing himself to stay up so late, probably get after him for cleaning up the library in such a slow and what she would call useless manner." - this seems to be missing an "and" or something after "late". "“Again Olivia Clevenbe?” Jasyn tutted" - could probably use a comma after "Again" Other than that, just a couple typos, nothing serious. Really fun so far, keep it up! :D P.S. thanks for the fav on my story
CitizenOfZozo 2007-03-22 ch 1,	The summary for this story caught my eye, especially in regards to the setting. I'm curious to know more about it. This is a fairly slow chapter, but that's alright. You gave a nice glimpse of the main character here. Nicely written.

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