Fine writer. A bit talented. You've proven yourself to be a person who has the capability to make money out of your stories, which of course, mustn't have any mistakes...

Some typing mistakes.
Very good dialogue!
Great story!

Ooh, pretty cool. I like where you slipped those similes in. Neat.

The paragraph of the Mountain Giant was a bit awkward. JSLAM, it's exactly what I wanted but...I was in the lost of words when I tried to describe it.I haven't been writing stories for a while now and that makes me forget what exactly was I thinking. Anyways, the grammer I disscused with my peers and friends. That's why it might have been quite an improvement. I used word to do it but you know some little words might have been what I exactly needed. Also, I think I could have checked it very carefully, but I kind of rushed a few bits, espically after the dijinni's story. Otherwise, I made it escpially detailed and looked at my other chapters for feedback on how I
can improve on the fourth one. Thanks anyways! ☺☻♥

Well, you inquired my help, so here I am, back again! Grammar and spelling wise, better than normal. Any mistakes are noted below. Some notes for this chapter:

- "It quickly changed into a challenging foe, a [white leopard]. The [tiger] sneered..." [They might be of the same genus, but a leopard is not a tiger. Choose one or the other. Hint: leopards are more commonly found in mountainous regions compared to tigers, as far as I can remember.]

- "He peeled it off, to see a normal hand, not a frozen [blue] one. He sighed; he had survived the last of it." [From Wikipedia: 'Generally, frostbite is accompanied with discoloration of the skin... If left untreated, frostbitten skin gradually darkens after a few hours. Skin destroyed by frostbite is completely black and looks loose and flayed, as if burnt.' Blue? Most likely not, unless he was suffering from hypothermia.]

- "It was [Frokefenis]. Frokefenis is when your body had become so cold that you can’t move properly. [This can also happen to only a particular part], which is what happened to poor Fernek." [People might say that using only English words takes away the 'magical' part of Fantasy. I say, unless it has no English equivalent (such as Gemuetlichkeit in German), translate it. Plus, three k's makes it sound like a language for stutterers. And what do you mean 'can happen to only a particular part'? You mean, the extremities?]

- "All the utensils of a doctor [was] on her pocket." ['All' is a plural noun, so 'was' should be 'were'.]

- "Well, you don’t look like you’re in [] much [of] “assassinating” after you’ve lost your left hand" [Should insert a 'for' before 'much' and get rid of the 'of'.]

- Ay ya yai! That paragraph about the Mountain Giants... Let me see what I can do to correct it:

"The creature [trans]formed in to a huge giant, [undoubtedly] a Mountain Giant. Mountain Giants were immense, ferocious opponents. They are larger th[a]n many buildings, even great ones like the Hall of Gods. [However], [an exceptionally low intelligence accompanied it massive size, much like Forest and Demon Giants]. [To its advantage, Mountain Giants could easily blend into the wintry mountains when covered by snow]. Unfortunate[ly] for Fernek, he was fighting a cunning shape-shifter in a form of a Mountain Giant. [Start new paragraph]There was an immense shifting near Fernek on his left side where a Giant had emerged out[. Snow tumbled in its wake as it rose from the earth like a haunted corpse rising from the dead. Parts of its body were still cloaked by bits of snow, making them appear invisible.] Fernek looked up at the awesome sight of the Mountain Giant. These creatures were basically extinct but [the] dijini [could] easily [mimick] this form. [The false form did not frighten him, and] Fernek was not in a mood to be a coward. He screamed at the enormous foe..."

It might not exactly be what you were thinking, but I tried to get it as close as I could.

- "It [leapt] at Fernek but saw what he had [seen] [before], the ferocious eyes..."

- "The demon saw Fernek awaking, [remembering the image of his berserk rage and his change of eyes]. It fell of its chair, stumbling into the wall, covering its face..." [No real need to say what the dijini is thinking. Remember, show, don't tell. You did that perfectly fine when you showed it falling from its chair and crouching into a corner. Why not describe its facial expressions or its possible staggered breathing?]

- "...killed by the Great Plague even before I kn[e]w them"

- A lot of tense issues in the last chunky paragraph. Make sure to look it over and have someone else read it before you post it. The paragraph itself I have trouble with. The best way to break up big dialogue/rants is to insert character expressions, like hand gestures, facial expressions or general body movements.

- "The snow crawled [through] the door" [By 'through' you probably mean 'under' or 'around'. Not even snow is intangible (meaning can go through solid objects). Careful with word choice.]

- "They were fierce and young warriors." [Denominational words like what you have here are BAD. At least give reason why the dijini thinks they are such.]

That's all I could really pick out for today. My hand is starting to hurt. I injured my hand in gym, so I'm typing one and a half handed as I write. Again, if you ever need assistance, I'm just a PM away. Good luck with further writing! ( :: )

hmm..I think a big improve ment but a little to far in the timzone..thanks for reminding me that JSLAM! realisticaly, you said fros bite right? You will understand in the next chapter of what exactly will happen to poor Fernek...

People, there is one thing I have to point out is that...Akara here..Can never miss a shot standing. But running..now that's a problem for her. She will soon over some that when they reach the halls and she joins into her training. that was a spoiler, so keep that in mind! Details...Detailss... i ahve failed again! No!

hm..I think I need to improve on spacing. It looks kinda short even though it is a lot on a word document. still, Details! Details! I forgot them and some this doesn't make sense! I really need people to read over before I publish it! Typo's again! Doh!

Man,so many typo's. Kinda doesn't make sense and fails to put out the message. Hmm, thanks JSLAM. Now since I have really read it over, I know i need to improve.

This chapter seemed a little anime-ish. In fact, the whole thing sounds like the makings of an anime series. Very strange considering you wanted this to take place in the Middle Ages of some European like area. Just be careful about that. Okay, down to the notes:

- Alright, well, spelling and grammar wise, this chapter si certainly an improvement from last time I joined this story. The only little spelling mistake I could pick up on was "tubule" which I think you meant to say "trouble".

- Had a little bit of trouble with the whole avalanche scene, more particularly Fernek's escape from the snow entrenched cave. Okay, he has some kunai, but what about his hands? I don't care that's a super powerful ninja-esque assassin; the man's hands have to be freezing with slight frostbite at the very least. Plus, it'll take him hours to dig through that cave and by the time he gets out, night will have fallen and at that altitude, you'll be damn sure it's going to be cold.

- The beginning part was actually very interesting and a good style of prose, but when you started to go on about what creatures were being made, from a personal perspective, I kind of dozed off. I dunno, I just expected the whole action to focus on the assassin and what exactly he's doing, not the whole other background gobbledy ** (yes, I know, strange phrase).

- Stiffling a laugh after killing two people? Major case of Schadenfreude (taking pleasure in other people's pain). Nothing wrong with that, I just found it really creepy.

- "but he had become frozen in a cubic ice by Rintaew’s Spell".

I suggest a little editing here, more along the lines of 'but Rintaew's spell had trapped him in a cube of ice'. The way you have it makes it sound like Fernek's body is completely immobilized by the ice, meaning he wouldn't be able to cut a circle through the ice. If that IS the case, then reconsider having him slice his way out of his icy chamber. Even if it that isn't the case, think how thick the ice wall is and if the kunai would actually be able to cut through it.

- "Fernek laughed an evil one"

What did I say about omniscient narrative that describes a character's personality? That's right, avoid it. Words like EVIL, bad, honest, good, pretty... those are all relative words. Try to use them little to none of time.

- "they saluted smartly"

Careful with your word choice here. 'Smartly' makes it sound like their mocking her. Even if that's not the case, that's still a bad word. Okay, fine, so your guards are actually slightly intelligent and can follow orders. Don't need to tell the readers that.

That's all the major things I could pick up on. If you need anymore advice, just send me a PM. ( :: )

ooh, pitty colors (deja vu, huh?)! this is kewl!

Pretty col... I like da AK-SHUN!

Kewl...

I thought the second paragraph was better than the first one, but the last line had several typos. But what the heck.

It probably wasn't because you followed any of my suggestions, but the tenses have improved. The thing that's still sticking out is your spelling. I wonder, do you actually use a spell-checker? There are so many little spelling errors that I'm just not going to take the time to point out. Try typing the story in Microsoft Word first and see what does for you. Then, like I've said, read it over a few times yourself or have someone look it. Those little errors just build on each other and make the story hard to read seriously.

Well, at least you had her train longer than most would, but honestly... Only one year and can never miss a single shot? Sorry to say but that theory got completely busted when she started shooting at the muggers and only ONE managed to hit the pursuers... Hm, and how can she be 'cornered' in a forest? There are no edges, unless of course she's backed against a boulder...

Another thing that really lacks in this chapter is details. You say that Vemeh and Nefurnest are paradigms of their occupations, a mesmer and a blood-magic necromancer. So what makes them look like the complete image of those types of people? Is it the clothes they wear, the shape of their face or colour of hair [which might indicate race]?

I know this is a small issue, but the quote "So what are you two waiting for? Christmas?" bothered me. If they know of Christmas or celebrate it, then one would assume they're Christian, which would mean they're humans somewhere here on Earth.

Otherwise, everything else seems alright. Keep on writing! ( :: )