Reviews for Crushed - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Crushed - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Dexterity 2008-08-02 ch 1,	abuseReviewers-found last review of this turn! It was a very cute story. I liked how you portrayed so much in so few number of words. The writing was clear and easy to follow. Good job! Minor issues: "...and like his sister told him to do, and he'd ask her to be his girlfriend." "like his sister told him to do" is an interrupter here, so a comma is needed between "and" and "like" as well. "Never would he let Miss Peers know how she broke his poor heart he was ready to give to her" I think "Never would he let Miss Peers know how she broke the poor heart he was ready to give to her" would sound better since we know that the "poor heart" belonged to the boy (because he was giving it to her) That's all! Hope my reviews helped! ~Dex
Songs of an Angel 2008-04-18 ch 1,	abuseHeyy! I'm from reviewers-found, and I'm here to do nothing else but review. Lolz. =D he saw in THE KID and like... ...You happened to underline The Kid...I think it would be better if you did 'The Kid'. It's isnt an error at all, but more of a personal opinion. =D those roman movies his sister ...The 'R' in roman should be capitalized. :p Never would he let Miss Peers know how she broke his poor heart, he was ready to give to her. ...You don't need to put a comma between heart and he because it is understood that heart is the noun the clause is describing. When I read that sentence, and paused at the comma, the next line sounded unfinished. Do you get what I'm trying to say? Lol. =D Lastly, I love the way you write. You really do a great job in creating a serious atmosphere in your story and instilling emotions. Even though you used very simple, colloquial words, I truly felt Dario's sadness with your adjectives and sentence/paragraph formation. You really did a great job! may you have the best of luck!! =D :p - Songs of an Angel =D
KnittingKneedle 2008-02-24 ch 1,	abuseAww I thought that was super cute! I picked up on that he was a kid pretty early on because guys get so tainted as they get older don't they? But what's lovely about this piece is, while there is an element of hoplesness at the end, it is very obvious that Dario will go on to love someone else so hoplessly and be totally happy with that. Ahh the potential of youth right? In terms of concrit, well it was a short peice- perhaps a few more descriptions could have captured more of a mood to the story or a description of the woman, but apart from that cute and funny and I liked it... keep writing!
Sarah Allie 2008-01-18 ch 1,	abuseHAHAHAH!! My god, this is hilarious, and yet heart-renderingly sweet :P! Props :P! And I had to re-read the "Adam kept you in the hallway" part to understand it, but that's probably just due to lack of sleep :P. Oh, and I loved 'roman movies' Oh, and this is definitely NOT a worthless little thingy, I extremely enjoyed it :)!
jekodama 2007-11-03 ch 1,	abusehahahahahahahahahahaha! Great story! I remembered when I had a crush on my 3rd grade Math teacher, I was so heartbroken when I met his wife... but then I met his son in 4th grade, and, well, that's another story! XD "several fries short of a full box", that's a great sentence, I'm so going to use it now in regular conversation, lol! How old is the boy in the story? because those things usually happen when you're between 5 and 8, but at some points I had the feeling that the boy was a little older than that... and how old was his sister, if she gave him the thumbs up to go for the woman? About the roman thing, I noticed something like that when I was a preschool teacher, and I have an anecdote: In Spanish, the name of the "microphone" is "micrófono", the possessive "my" is "mi", and "your" is "tu", so there was this little boy, he was three years old, and he used to say "me prestas el tucrófono?" (can you lend me the yourcrophone?). It was hilarious. Well, enough rambling. Until the next review!
Emily West 2007-10-14 ch 1,	abuseHi girl! Just catching up on reviewing for reviewr's found. I get behind so easily. Anyway, before I start, let me preface with this: I'm more into novels, so I'm not as confident in my advice for shorts. But I will do my best. So here goes. I love the idea for this little story. What a cute picture to paint. I only have one suggestion that might add a little something to it. The thing that stands out for me is the voice of the piece. It reads a little older than I would imagine this boy being. It doesn't sound like it's him speaking, but maybe it is supposed to be him as an older adult remembering the event. Either way, it's not real clear. But I was assuming, after reading your note at the bottom, that you meant to write it from his perspective as a child. I love the "roman" part. In fact, I would throw more of that type of thing in there if you could, to make it a little more on his level throughout the whole piece. Just a thought. Great job though.
Mad for Figs 2007-06-23 ch 1,	abuseSorry for the very late review, by the way. Anyway, you play emotions so well. When she said "he's my fiance", my heart just dropped. I was like... oh my gosh. I was a little bit confused the first time I read it, but after the third time, I managed to fully grasp it. And just for your info, flabbergasted is spelled without an 'h'. I think that's all. Excellent job on this, and I feel so bad for him! Great job.
Frozen From Mist 2007-06-21 ch 1,	abuseSorry for the late review. My power was out for the longest times and of course messed up every stinking computer in my house. Well anyways… I like how you went around the whole, her being older without actually saying it. 'She'd brought her daughter, him Batman, Superman, and Spiderman action figures,' is kind of the part where I really realized that Dario was a kid. 'Afterwards she'd invite him in for cookies and soda.' That has to be the cutest line in the story. It's like kids can plan out there entire lives in a minute, but then something always go wrong. It's different than most stories I've read before and I hope you write more like this! ~Meghan
angels and effects 2007-06-15 ch 1,	abuseThat was a sad yet succinctly cute one-shot - it oddly left me feeling satisfied. It's kind of different from the normal crush I read about (best friend, brother's best friend, all the little cliches), but still sums everything about a crush up. From the beginning, it sounded like a normal schoolboy crush on his classmate, but you managed to twist it well. Poor Dario! His name reminds me of a superhero, for some reason, haha. Too bad he couldn't punch the lights out of the fiancee then. I like the 'roman' thing - I used something like that before, only it was said as 'womantic'. I agree with little children getting a word wrong on purpose; most authors utilise it to a good extent. Maybe because the children don't really know the word? You did a good job of writing from a child's POV, it's sufficiently childish enough (that's a compliment! :D) and relates well with readers. I think the only thing I have to comment on is the use of italics. The 'Adam kept you in the hallway!' part didn't mix well with me, and the italising of the Batman etc wasn't compulsory to me. :) xxLouisa
keyko101 2007-06-13 ch 1,	abuseHeh, 'roman movies'... you gotta love that... Oh, my gosh. This short is bitter-sweet for me. You were like bringing me up here, got me hoping that the girl was going to say yes -- even after Dario answered the door. The tall guy, I thought it was like... her dad (and then her brother). I was like 'she'll say yes -- I know it!'. And then you said that the guy was her fiancé. Spoiled my happy dream here... and for some odd reason, I started laughing. Not a bad thing, it just proved that I got the hopeless romantic thing goin' on here.
C.F. Anne 2007-06-13 ch 1,	abuseIt isn't a worthless short. It was sad, but very nice. I liked all the refrenses that you made (The Kid, Spongebob Squarepants etc.) They added a nice touch. If you really decided to this could eaisly become a story...i don't know, it's really you choice. Anyway, Great Short!
R8R 2007-06-12 ch 1,	abuseGood start, I like it, I think it was kind of cute. Your story is quite entertaining really!
Angelical12345 2007-06-09 ch 1,	abuseFor lack of a better way to describe this, I'm going to say it was cute! Just plain adorable!! :) And I got the bit about the roman.. :) kid at heart, I suppose :O
InViSiBlE wOmAn 2007-05-10 ch 1,	abuseworthless? yeah right! I quite enjoyed reading this actually, I liked it. awseome!
EnigmaticArsenic 2007-04-03 ch 1,	abuselol. perhaps untintentional, but the "roman movies" is also a bit funny considering the context and i'm thinking of like, a gladiator film. lol. this was a hilarious piece. in an incredibly sad, heart breaking way. childred make me uncomfortable. lol.

Return to Top