Reviews for Starlight Legacies

Reviews For: Starlight Legacies - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Taylary Daisuke 2007-06-15 ch 7,	A chapter concerning things about Jermian is always a good chapter but now I'm more concerned about Hendak. Anyways, since I'm a firm believer that there must be some sort of balance in the world, I'll balance the long as review you sent me with an extremely short review. Here it it... ...nice chapter! HA!
The Mumbling Sage 2007-06-06 ch 7,	Ahh, I see you're trying the unlabed dialouge act! It works, although at first I thougth it was two characters whom I should know speaking... 'Carrying a small conversation'- either small talk or conversation. Also, how heavy is it? 'I'm not sure, but we'd better stop them first' immidiatly followed by 'the figures stopped'...hey, it worked! Well, acutally the gate and not the guardsmen stopped them, but it did work! Yeah, it just sounded a little funny. 'He had trouble finding...as his companions joined him in hsi search'- you make it sound as if his friends helping him look acutally makes it harder to find the guardsmen. Also, I don't know how much help they can be while visually scanning a wall/gate/watchouse Oh...blue hair. That's not unusual or anything. While it stands to reason that the guy is Jensarak Kane since Jen-Kane is the one they summoned, that's a very strange way of saying it. "I'm Jensarak Kane. The council summoned me." works just as well. 'He couldn't see the man's companion's yet' -weren't they just there behind Kane? Mr. Seems unexpected- I would think 'Master' is more common in a fantasy setting. Maybe call him 'Citizen'? (referencing a certain movie, of course) 'Though mainly decorative'...what is/are? The guards? Or the sash? How is a sash mainly decorative? If it was a belt, I coudl understand. 'Dispite me being the older [elder?], I don't mind if you worry on occasion.'- I suppose it is normally the elder sibling who's in charge of worrying...didn't realize it was so vigorusly enforced, though :) 'More grand' could be 'greater'. It would make more sense, as most standards for buildings aren't 'grand' exactly. 'The bounds'- as in, bonds? Like a bandage? Poor Aerilyn. She knows! 'Okay' sometimes jars me in a fantasy setting. I get what you mean- maybe 'all right' would work? :O Wasn't expecting Jensarak and Jermian to end up in a liplock... 'So that's where I remember her from! He concluded'- most conclusions don't end with exclamation points. After fowl in the wilderness, they're now on to chicken pastry. Acutally, that sounds quite good. M.. :P< supposed to be me licking my lips The dwelling on the yumminess of the food isn't quite necesary, because most readers know what spinitch is like, same with the other stuff. Unless it's a plot point. Which I'm not sure of. 'Templar'- aren't those the kinghts from the Crusades and/or the Da Vinci Code? Might want an eclamation points after 'you teleported another one in upside down' I know I'd yell! '** hell'- I can't remember a lot of cursing earlier on. But then, he did just teleport in on his head. Poor Hendak...sort of. Anyway, the food didn't strike me as mideval, but it wasn't that out of place becasue your setting isn't uniformly mideval either. It works well enough. I still think the description of it could have been shortened, though. It's enough that you tell us what it is- and many authors don't even do that.
Lccorp2 2007-05-12 ch 3,	Harr. On Worldbuilding: -Describe the foods that the protagonists eat. Too often, the protagonists consume what I call “fantasy staple food.” If they’re at a feast, meat pies, spun sugar confections, whole roast birds like peacocks or swans, and wine are likely to make an appearance. In village inns, it’ll be mutton and sometimes stew. In the wilderness, it’s bread and cheese, which are often white and yellow, and the cheese is always in a wheel. In a bar, it's always beer, wine, cider or whatnot, irregardless of what's grown locally and the local brewers. Yes, these could be reasonable foods in the situation. But the problem is the descriptions that make these from meals that those particular protagonists are consuming in that one particular world into a generic fantasy meal. I can’t picture that cheese, because it’s yellow and in a wheel, just like every other fantasy cheese I have heard of. Show how it tastes. Show how the protagonist really hoped to buy sharp-tasting Guruar cheese, but because they didn’t have it in the market just before they left the city, she had to settle for the stinky, crumbly, Feldoror cheese instead. Show what happens to it in the packs, especially if it gets battered to bits or acquires mold. Show how the protagonists are so happy to eat something in an inn other than that stupid smelly, crumbly cheese. (Which you could have done. After all, bread's not yoghurt-if you ride a lot, it's likely to get squashed, unless it's unleavened.) Also, it really is okay to have different foods sometimes. If your protagonists come across a village in the middle of a forest, they’d probably be more likely to have pork than mutton, since they might be able to feed hogs on acorns. (I always wonder how village inns with no sheep nearby, and which are supposedly too isolated to have trade, acquire “mutton.”) Don’t jump to stew and porridge because it might be a staple. There’d be delicacies sometimes, especially in more populated areas with high traffic. Which this is not, by your own admission. -Zz'gesh? Thrown in with "ordinary" names like "Glacial peaks"? Don’t make names too long or too alien. Yes, I know that your character Xiwyliipoliopion absolutely has to be spelled that way or you feel no connection with him. Yes, I know Liialaara is your teenaged self. Tough cookies. You have a choice in cases like that between connection with the character and connection with your readers. No one enjoys having to pause and stumble every time they get to a character name, or skip over it altogether, the way they would read words in a foreign language. Character names are often foreign in fantasies, but, just like words such as amigo, they should be recognizably foreign without folding, stapling, and mutilating the phonological constraints of English. We’re supposed to get to know these people and value them as friends. Long strings of vowels, apostrophes and capital letters in weird places, overuse of X, Q, J, and Z, starting words with extremely odd consonant combinations (such as mt), and making the names too long altogether will make your readers retreat. In the case of an author’s own work, you may need other judges. I’ve been able to pronounce long names I used perfectly after some practice, but had others tell me they didn’t understand them or found them overwhelming. If just one reader complains, you probably don’t need to worry. If everyone is telling you that they can’t remember how to spell or pronounce Liialaara in between one reading and another, you have a problem. Adapt names to the other names around it. It makes no sense to have one place called Zz'gesh and then another called the Glaicial peaks by the same people in the same language. Yes, fantasy steals cultures from the real world, including names, but it makes no sense to blindly mix and mesh two cultures together. Your readers will bring their real-world sensibilities to this, since you’re using real-world names. If there are English, French, Spanish, and German names all existing together in one place, you’re going to have to come up with a complicated history of invasions to explain it. It’s much easier just to use a certain set of names for a certain people or set of places. Never forget when you’re planning out your social and cultural history, which many fantasy authors do, that those invaders or conquerors or settlers or traders or immigrants will carry their language along with them. The linguistic dimension of history is often neglected, but there’s no reason it should be. And if half of your characters have names with long strings of vowels and the others almost no vowels at all, I will want to know why. -"Heroes of all shapes and sizes could be found here if one looked hard enough." And who tills the fields? Hammers the metal? Balances the accounts? Makes the glass and all those tiddly little things that actually keep society running? The number of ordinary people who can "support" a hero has to be amazingly large. If a small, out-of-the-way pub like this is packed with heroes... Blargh. -"Several posters and tattered pieces of parchment where tacked up all around and in a bulletin board near the bar." You overestimate literacy. -How is it that metal never seems to rust, or equipment never seems to deteoriate? Plate, and even mail is HEAVY. People don't go tramping about all the time in them, much less in the rain. -"Horaden felt...the least." You couldn't have told me "DESIGNATED LOVE INTEREST!" any better if you'd put up a neon sign with flashing arrows in the sky. "Fiery" disposition, "somehow" attracting the male lead, getting her own private paragraph of description... Give some reason for having the protagonist notice his/her future lover is attractive. It’s really noticeable when every other character in the book gets a description like “the tall, hook-nosed man who never smiled” or “the green-eyed woman with a weary expression,” but the moment the Designated Love Interest comes on stage, he or she has “beautiful blue eyes,” “chiseled, handsome features,” or “hair like a dream of cornsilk blowing in the wind.” I made up only that last one, and I’m sure there are worse howlers out there. What’s the point of this? Why is the narrator identifying this one character, and this one character only, as beautiful/handsome? And why oh why does the author have to, many times, include other male or female characters who are compared unfavorably to this person in terms of looks? I want some explanation, please. Does this particular character fit the protagonist’s type? What is his/her type, anyway? And don’t use that as an all-purpose excuse; just because someone likes blond women doesn’t mean he or she is going to be attracted to every blond woman in existence. Why do they suddenly notice features they never noticed before? Why are they just “sure,” without ever having talked to this person, that he or she is clever, interesting, or wonderful, simply based on looks? (Sara Douglass, I am looking STRAIGHT AT YOU). Quit it. Too often there’s no explanation, shoving the new character into a stock position; it’s sudden, so it’s as subtle as a brick to the head; and it makes the protagonist seem shallow. Have you noticed how few fantasy hero/ines fall in love with someone scarred, or unattractive, or even just plain? They happen to choose someone based on looks, and lo and behold, it’s the right choice. golf clap Wonderful way to make your protagonist seem deep there, author. Pure Maiden Warriors. Losers are scared of sexuality or dependency in women, so women in fantasy novels are so powerful and pure they make Joan of Arc look like Pamela Anderson. They are strong, noble, loyal, brave, high-bred and usually die in the end – well what else are we going to with them? They’re too scary to marry. -"“Lamia.” I am now laughing my off hysterically. Oh, and way to show what kind of disgusting personality she has. -It appeared that Rheya...along with them." Taken from "How to write a best selling fantasy novel." "3. Create a Motley Bunch of Companions. The Loser/Hero must have a Motley Bunch of Companions which are highly reccomended to be drawn from different human species e.g. dwarf, elf, Rotarian etc. Each of these companions will have one particular skill such as sword fighting, lasso twirling etc which will come in handy at a particular part of the story. These companions will also fit neatly into slots such as "Designated Love Interest", "Bickering Best Friend" and "Token member of race." In addition, said characters will often accompany the hero on the quest for the flimsiest most illogical of reasons, which will become defunct anyway later in the plot." Tell me, when was the last time you agreed to go with complete strangers anywhere, especially on a long and dangerous journey? Oh, and fish don't worship the water they breathe. They don't worship anything at all. -The whole description of the inn room? One, flow-shattering infodump. Two, you've just snapped all suspension of disbelief. THIS in a small town? Are you kidding me? With all these modern conveniences that don't match up with the technology of your world? Seems like someone's too scared to either do research or actually let his characters suff-heck, not suffer, but feel anything less than utter luxury? Pah. -Yes. Whole DAMN SCENE OF HER UNDRESSING. Is she your private wet dream? Don't worry, little kid. You can tell the Inquisitor the truth. Again, screams of pointlessness and Designated Love Interest. Add to that the EVIL DRAGONFLY what arrives so that her "fiery personality" can melt away into nothing and he can save her? Or how how about letting her have a room to herself, but no! They must sleep together, because that starts the inevitable bickering-sexual tension cycle that's supposed to be deep romance! I loathe characters that exist only as shells and shadows and satellites of the hero. This is number one. This is the one that makes me want to vomit just reading the descriptions of books, never mind whole novels. This is the reason that the moment any story now starts out with an abused orphan whom everyone hates, I scream and run away, immediately. Now, I’ve complained about stupid villains and henchmen and characters like Wise Old Mentors who only exist as plot devices before. This is related to them. It is not them. This is characters who have no inner life, no separate existence or conception of their own existence. This is characters who exist solely to serve as mirrors, cheerleaders, minor petty obstacles, validation, and rewards for the hero/ine. Shall I give you a few examples? -Designated Love Interests. -foils who are the “dark mirrors” to the hero. -the random kitchen maid who shows up to talk to the hero just as he’s feeling down. -the character who gets wounded just to give the protagonist a chance to demonstrate compassion. -the jealous /bastard who changes into a worshipper of the hero/ine the moment he or she does something “noteworthy.” -the party companions who never seem to eat, drink, or sleep in case the heroine wants to talk to them, and who think more about whether she’s having regular sex than whether they’re making progress towards saving the world. -the siblings who are in the story only to get compared un/favorably with the protagonist in terms of intelligence, magical talent, and looks. -the village bully who’s obsessed with raping the heroine for unknowable reasons and then at the end is shoved face-down into the dirt when the heroine rides back into town on her white horse. -the parental figure who, by requiring any sort of discipline from her child whatsoever, is an “abusive mother.” -the character of a different social class or race who follows the protagonist around like a puppy, supposedly demonstrating he can pierce those kinds of barriers, and in reality conjuring up the worst sorts of stereotypes. I could go on. I have tons of these. At least stupid Dark Lords who are trying to take over the world have their motivations that are separate from the protagonist. At least stupid henchmen fear their boss, and don’t suddenly become obsessed with whether the heroine will win her guy. At least Wise Old Mentors are usually represented as caring more about the fate of the world than whether the hero/ine gets validation. These characters have no reason to exist in the story, except to make the hero/ine feel good or prop her up or wipe away any tiny trace of a mistake. And that is so stupid I cannot get my mind around it. Real people have their own minds, their own motivations—even if they’re romantically obsessed. They are not blank templates to be stamped with serving the protagonist. No, I am not rational on this. Yes, I have undoubtedly enjoyed books in the past that had these kinds of characters—because I didn’t classify them that way. If I feel like a character has independent existence, even if it’s in the gaps between the lines, I am willing to let it go. Stop loving your protagonists so much you make them the center of the universe. Stop using other characters to give them everything they want. Stop making them so unique in the world that they deserve everything in return for their uniqueness. Stop conceiving of your other characters only in relation to them. I would like to administer a collective “whap” to the heads of these authors, but there are so many of them that I could never get them all. Besides, then my hands would be sore. "Rheya" is not a person. This is a stock character. It’s giving the protagonist the equivalent of a cuddly toy bear, except that this cuddly toy bear also can talk back and looks human and eventually is a most willing **. If an author admitted that he or she was doing that, I would not be irritated. But let an author try to convince me that her shadow puppet is a person as fully and really developed as the protagonist she’s so obviously in love with, and I fight like mad.
Taylary Daisuke 2007-05-11 ch 6,	A glimpse of the Ryuza would be nice, that is, if I see them killing someone in some strange sanctification (more like hellish) ritual. Hahahahah, lelolelolelo! I knew Jermian will bring her won history of troubles. That's why I new she'll be my favorite the second she came. (or maybe it is that I enjoy using clerics in RPGs... whatever) She's my fave. Therefore, you can guess that the best praises you'll get from me will be of those chapters where she shines. Can't wait to see what happens with her teammates and the answer to why her name sounds familiar to Horaden. GO CLERIC!
The Mumbling Sage 2007-05-09 ch 6,	Learned a funny thing about that word 'said' the other day: C.S. Friedman doesn't use it either. I hadn't noticed it before becasue she tends not to label every bit of dialouge. So I was wrong, it can be done correctly. Just...make sure people don't notice it. Kinda like robbing a bank (No, no reason I chose that analogy...pulls headscarf lower) Anyway. I heard this beauteous soaring music as you describe the glass forest, that then turns into a little warble as Hendak starts complaining about it. Genious. I don't know if a question, even hypothetical, can be presented as an 'explanation'. And I'm inclined to think Xel wouldn't really strain his back...sneaky old man. Although 'elder' mage suggests that there are two mages in the area, and might suggest that the other one is Hendak. Which I assume isn't true. Elderly mage might be better...although I don't know if Xel would like being called 'elderly' Is there really fruit(s) in a snowy forest? I guess it's possible... Poor Hendak. Spends all that time gathering wood for a fire they're not even going to use for long... Jermian's a female fox? Hendak seems more the type to think 'wench'. Okay, running low on time. The journal entries seem a little strange, but go on with them if that's what you want. Jermian's friends seem vaguely threatening...
Lccorp2 2007-05-08 ch 2,	Harr. Stabs -Don't start your fantasy book in omniscient. For the love of God, don't do it. It may have been a good idea- once. By now, it's frankly boring to open a book and find it goes like this: "The Castle of Petronea stood tall and proud on cliffs overlooking the Castinian Sea. The cliffs shone white in the sunlight, and sometimes the seabirds that nested in them dropped feathers that the children found and used in their games, all ignorant of where they came from. On the western wall of the castle, one could look out into the sunset over Petronea's fair forests. On the eastern wall, one could look down into the sea." You get the idea? I was lenient. Most readers will give you about three or four sentences before they decide whether to drop the book or keep reading. No connection with the characters, no way of telling who's saying this, no way of telling where it's going. You can think of me as skimming with glazed eyes to get to the real story. You know that saying how character= story? Or, for that matter, how plot= story? Well, whichever one you believe, why are you starting your book this way? There are no signs of characters, since there's nothing to encourage readers to identify like names and personalities and dialogue, sweet underappreciated way of beginning a book, do. There is no sign of plot. This could be a romantic fantasy, a political intrigue-driven one, your typical feisty-princess-who-doesn't-want-to-be-a-lady one, or almost anything else. In fact, these days it's almost any fantasy book on the market. -"The hair on his head trailed behind as his breath quickened from the effort he placed in making his way through the forest." Yes, I know you've been watching too many animes. Aren't the characters with long hair so COOL when they fight and it spins around in such a lovely manner? One, grab hair. Two, Pull back head. Three, slit throat. Easily done in two or three seconds, once the opportunity presents itself. Not happening? Hair gets tangled about while fighting, blows into character's face for just a moment, enough for a competent opponent to skewer character. Not fighting, harbores mites, lice and other pests. Gets grimy very quickly, especially without any shampoo or conditioner. Don't try and stretch my suspension of disbelief too far. -" It was surreal how he moved; the man seemed to glide over the surface of the ground. He kept running into the dark woods whilst avoiding any stray branches that might’ve caused him to trip and fall." First authorial indication of SPESHULNESS. -"A bolt of lightning breathing life into their twisted forms." "Both reptilian fiends hurtled forward," And many, many more. I , ** LOATHE it when characters are described in omniscient narrative as good or evil, especially when all the pathetic neon signs are up and trying to kick me in the direction the author wants my sympathies to lie. Guess why? I'm not allowed to make my own value judgements on any of the characters on what they do, because the author is demading that I cheer for a certain party because s/he said so. S/he's ramming her views on the story down my throat. "YOU MUST HATE THEM! THEY'RE EVIL!" Blam goes all empathy for the antagonists. They turn into cardboard cutouts, carcaitures rather than actual characters I should be caring for like any and every other character. At this point, I'm more likely to not hate the EVUL people out of sheer contrariness. It is apparently a requirement that villains be ugly. Or so the Dark Lords with their swarms of orcs and trolls and goblins seem to think. This is a cheap trick to tell the audience where their sympathies are supposed to lie. On the rare occasion that a good character is ugly, they have "inner beauty" instead, but no one seems interested in seeking the inner beauty of an orc. The only exceptions I can think of are some dragons, Glen Cook's Dark Lady (who is more often seen in illusion than in reality for most of the first trilogy), and some villains who put on false beauty in order to trick the good guys. Those last are still ugly underneath. Is this really necessary? I don't think so. Of course, making all the evil characters beautiful wouldn't solve everything, but as long as fantasy readers remain focused on outer beauty, it's a step in the right direction- that is, forcing your readers away from easy sympathies and making them think a little. If it's easy to hate a goblin but not an elf, put elves on the bad side and watch what happens. -I want you to give your frickin' races a little more thought. Right from the start, it's quite obvious you just made the Evil Random Encounter Bandits lizardmen because they're Generic Evil Race #8435. I'll leave you with a question: Reptilian mouths and voiceboxes are very different from humans' not only in the possible sounds produced due to the shape of the mouth and voicebox in question, but also in the frequencies provided. How are they speaking human language? Lemme guess: "It's fantasy! I can write what the hell I want! A wizard did it!" Dangles supension of disbelief Try making them a little more than humans in bad disguises, and you'll earn a point from me. -What was the whole point of the scene? Certainly doesn't seem to tie in at all with the plot; there's no proper hook and it only seems to be there to show how many MAD SKILLZ our dear hero has and how NOBLE AND GREAT he is for letting his enemies live. Huh. -General problem: No, BEEG WURDZ R NUT MAYKEEN U SMRT. If your haste to use BEEG WURDZ, you simply either use the completely wrong one (slithered is NOT a synonym of said, sadly), take one that's technically correct but has all the wrong connotations ("Rain fell like an endless torrent of crystal as the clouds billowed with a zephyr haze." WTF?) or make them completely redundant. (Dispatch means to send out. "sent dispatches" is grammatically wrong, anyways.) No, you're not making yourself look SMRT and KALTOURD. You're making yourself look stupid or at least too lazy to get a good dictionary, and if I catch ANYTHING on the lines of "Sorry," Brom apologized, I will scream and press the back button as fast as possible. -Let your characters introduce themselves. Too often, even when authors do pick a viewpoint character right from the start, there are stretches where that viewpoint character vanishes into obscurity while the author rhapsodizes on about the other characters’ personalities, history, and eye colors. Just like extensive description in general, this is given no consideration for whether the viewpoint character would actually notice the things being described. Rare is the author who also takes into account just how much of that description the reader is likely to remember. I don’t know about anyone else, but I know Sixsense the bard better when she speaks and snaps at Alatha the apprentice for carrying her case wrong, and her stupid dog for not guiding her steps properly, and does the world know how hard it is to be blind, and where is her tea? Let dialogue and interaction do more to define your characters than the dumping on people’s heads. As well, guide your viewpoint character’s observations to what would most naturally intrigue him. No we don't need to know everything about how character X looks like the first time we're introduced to the bugger. -"“You know, I never taught you how to diffuse an argument,” the old man continued. “Especially one of that caliber, but you handled yourself quite well back there. Dare I say it… you seemed to ‘dance’ around the subject with ease.”" More confirmation of SPESHULNESS. -And another random battle. You play too many RPGs, don't you?
XIII Dragon 2007-05-08 ch 6,	"“I wouldn’t categorize theft as ‘fun’ if I were you.”" I'm hurt. Stealing isn't about fun, it's about the thrill of outwitting your opponent and the chances of getting caught. The higher the risk, the more intelligent the opponent = more 'fun' as you put it. I really liked the idea of the journal. It adds depth to the character. Not only that, but the way he writes is also what one would expect in something private.
XIII Dragon 2007-05-08 ch 5,	No offense or anything, but it seems a bit strange. Here they are traveling though dangerous lands and just happen to meet someone. I don't know about you, but I would be suspicious in the least. Then with Horaden's character, he seems like the type of person that would help anyone. Once again, I have a something to point out. As seen as Hendak is the rouge type character and is a theif. I expected him to be more against helping people. After all a theif has to look out for himself and try to stay alive.
XIII Dragon 2007-05-08 ch 4,	Ouch. That must have hurt. A whole ledge gone. That must have really hurt. A lot.
XIII Dragon 2007-05-08 ch 2,	Once again the chapter was nicely writen. A couple things that were slightly off here and there, but over all it was fine. Once again, I've got a question. You stated that "“What in the world are you doing with that blindfold on?” she asked." Question: He seemed to move around the room without any difficulties. He knew where everything thing was and were the Dragonfly was. How is this possible if he was blind?
Lccorp2 2007-05-08 ch 1,	Harr. Fires tag Tags for later
XIII Dragon 2007-05-08 ch 1,	Nicely writen. The description at the start was very well writen and I would like to see it carried on throughout the chapters. There's only one question I've got though. In the story you wrote "Stopping right in front of them briefly, he somersaulted into the air, bringing his sword..." Is this possible for him to do that with armour and everything?
The Mumbling Sage 2007-04-22 ch 5,	Say hello to my little vrend pulls out an object, a bit like those guns police use to check if you're over the speed limit It's a Permutation-Of-Said-Counter! If it gets to over 500, I blast a hole in the airlock. Or, y'know, I tip myself 5cents for every permutation, and if I come out with $5.00 or more by the end of this I buy myself something strong. If I get less the $5, I go into debt and we all buy ice cream. Shouted out...really, if she shouted than you didn't need to put the ?(!) there. You never see that in a published work, or a reason. Unless it's a comic strip. For a reason. ha-ha. You think of the funniest things while running down tunnels. (When you say they wind up where the others were before) but do THEY know that? And how in heck did I confuse the mysterious girl with Rheya in the past chapter? smacks self and allows CyberDragon 15 permutations free for sheer stupidity on her part ...but neither knew it was the result of a makeshift firebomb. I figured. Although I wouldn't enjoyed a 'Look, the result of a makeshift firebomb!' Xel cognizized. You managed to split action between the two groups at the right points, so everything flows well enough. Although I really can't think of Rheya as a 'blond vixen'. Though its nice to see a sexy spellcaster for once. Pity she's female and I'm straight. Rheya has healing abilites- whoda thunk it? Probably the Mumbling Sage, who has made herself rich off tipping herself $1 every time she sees a female main character who heals. Darn it. The Permutation-Counter broke. I guess we'll just have to settle for 'a lot'. Ugh-oh. You know it's bad when the mystery girl reads something and then says 'we have to get out'. Hey! I thought Catholics monopolized the spiritu sanctum! Not to mention Latin! Arrak speaks Latin? 'this thing is huge,' thought Horaden. The readers thought the exact same thing, so this was redundant and the heads of everybody involved exploded. Xel really should have said that comment about the fire out loud. For one thing, it'll alert everybody else if they haven't noticed. My Spritu Sanctus! We've come down to 'uttered', have we? SAID! SAID, I say! 'We got the peons. Looks like the fiend has summoned the grunts'. Aren't they the same thing? Anyway, since when has the swords of the swords/sorcery equation used the word 'peons'? Since when did anybody use the word 'peons'? Bastard Sword- don't capitalize sword types, only sword names. Anduril and Excalibar are capitalized. Bastard, hand-and-a-half, greatsword and broadsword are not. Horaden screaming is an amusing picture. I probably shouldn't have imagined a girly-scream there. Wait- both girls are healers? grimly tips self another $1 Anyway, I'm glad you split the chapter up. It wouldn't been DAMN LONG otherwise. Although the permutations did make it seem longer.
The Mumbling Sage 2007-04-22 ch 4,	Read your profile. I'm so happy to be cited. And don't worry about that romance situation. My boyfriend's terminally scrawny and he still has me. Just remember to shave, use deoderant, and never experiment with your hair. Um, is the cavern acutally making SOUNDS? gulp Or does it just deceptively seem that way? The exchange between Rheya and Horaden is all short sentances (and it should be Thanks, Horaden), with a permutation of 'said' at the end of just about all of them. Including 'I'm sorry,' she apologized! That deserves a giant sticker reading 'failure at life', but I'll chalk it up to a bad day, being a victim of a few myself, and move on. But you might want to change that. And not make the mistake again. No, seriously. This entire chapter is like 'experimentations at permutations of said'. I swear it wasn't like this in other chapters. I might not hurt for someone to a) just say something, or b) say something without a label of any sort. 'Hey, it's not my fault that you have a knack for stating the obvious.' 'Tell me about it. CyberDragon has a bit of that too,' the Mumbling Sage mumbled. 'Sorry,' he apologized. Couldn't resist. If he can tell she's flushed and agitated, surely he can tell if she's shaking or not? 'blonde vixen'? Sorry, CyberDragon, but that hurt. Right here. taps heart- er, head 'That sounded like a woman's scream,' affirmed Xel. Yeah. The Mumbling Sage has had a bit too much of the dialouge here. She swears it wasn't like this before. Now Skull Wanderers, there's some freakiness for you. Though I wonder why you would call them 'skeletal fiends'. No, I was being sarcastic there. I know why they're skeletal. Should 'Kris' really be capitalized, anyway? It's a type of knife/dagger/sword, but not really a specific nae, or it would just be 'Kriss fell to the floor'. Although then it sounds like a character... This part when Hendak has a single sword, then twins- er, twin blades- is kind of confusing. Are the twins- blades- hidden inside the single sword? 'Not in your afterlife'. Ah, at least, wittyness! Although maybe it should be 'Not ON your afterlife' '...but a skull had decided to use her fingers as a chew toy'. Witty, but do they have chew toys in Ust'Natha? Hendak's your typical kool thief I guess, and I suppose it's only natural that he gets on Rheya's nerves. I liked it when she tried hiding behind Horaden and he. Unfortunatly I sometimes get my two H's confused. Xel's still cool. I envy his diagnosis abilities. No, not really. I just wish I could say something and tack on 'she diagnosed'. Of course, then I'd have to rip myself apart for it.
Taylary Daisuke 2007-04-13 ch 5,	I guess I'm officially into the story, I mean, I read it without blinking once. No longer do the characters bother me. Hendak and Rheya came through for me. Jermain was a nice addition too. ok, let me get this straight. I will now attempt to make predicitions with the characters. -Xel (the blue necromancer)- He is very wise but old. People who know to much tend to die first. Therefore, I think he'll be very important in the beginning but not later. -Rheya (the versatile ice mage)- she obviously knows her magic alphabet. The fact that she is drawn to the hero automatically makes her the heroine that will shine later on. This also means the evil doers will gravitate toward her. -Hendak (the rouge)- he is very agile and fights on par with the hero. This also means that he’ll be the troublemaker. I see a lot of beating on him (most of it coming from girls). -Jermain (the holy executioner)- a cleric who is not afraid to get aggressive in battle, the fiery redhead. I see many hardships on her persona. Unresolved issues. And finally but most importantly -Horaden (the knight in cough shinning armor)- Chivalry if you may. He’ll have to make a lot of obvious decisions, the correct ones. But I don’t have to be a seer to see that. I just need to see who the antagonist is, after all, the hero is only as bid as the evil he has to destroy. Overall, I like them all. I don’t know if it’s too early but I already decided Jermain is my favorite. Nice action sequences too, I’m a fan of the unanimated suddenly turning animated (undead and gargoyles). That magical factor always hooks me to a story. The next chapter won’t have this much action? Sob, oh well, character development is nice. Can’t wait for your next chapter! Now excuse while I add this fic to my faves list.

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