Reviews for Tennis Ball - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Tennis Ball - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Life In Heaven 2008-03-30 ch 1,	abuseThe first stanza was pretty uneventful. More vocabularly, especially rare words, would make it more intriguing & would make it appear complex. The second stanza was better, but still poor in the vocabularly sense. I did love "and make me bleed with just one look". It was simple, but beautifully effect & catching in some way. Maybe it was just the fact it was a metaphor, which, btw, you need more of in your work. The third stanza was lovely. I absolutely adored the prolonged metaphor/ slight personification you used here. I thought the title was a bit irrelevent at the start, but it all made sense by the end. It was a not bad piece, but it needs more vocab & figures of speech. That would make it much more captivating, and ultimately a far better piece. :D Keep writting.
Esther Jade 2008-03-20 ch 2,	abuseHey - you just learnt something about my beautiful country - how awesome is that? Weren't the pictures on wiki gorgeous? Moving swiftly along to the review... I prefer this version but I feel like I only really understand it because I read the other version first. In the first one, it felt like a great concept to describe the situation whereas here it's a great concept and the situation feels a bit vague. In this one, I really like the first stanza. I think you set up the theme well. Also, opening couplet is particularly nice and has quite a neat little rhythm. The juxtaposition in the last three lines of that stanza is also nice. The next two stanzas strike me as the ones where a more careful development of the situation needs to happen. They feel a bit weak to me though you employ a couple of nice poetic devices; I just don't know if that is enough. One of the nice things about the first version was the "shape" of the stanzas. They felt like they were quite balanced which sort of suited by idea of tennis as quite an ordered game. I don't know if you want to incorporate a bit of that balanced feel into those two middle stanzas. I like the last stanza but it feels under-punctuated. I love the third line - but I would suggest maybe putting a colon at the end of it and maybe commas at the ends of the lines after that. I quite like the relentless feel of those last few lines - it feels like a ball being hit over and over again. I'm not so mad about the "dingy grey cracks". You want something that suggests a worn down tennis ball but that just does not work for me.
kloun mannequin 2008-02-29 ch 1,	abuseI like the editted version, specially the last part and I think the first version you were expressing well what you were feeling. postscript: thank you for correcting my grammar.
Take the Money and Run 2008-02-18 ch 2,	abuseThe tennis ball idea was pretty interesting, i can't really say which one i liked better...the first one says more, and i like the first stanza on both of them. I think the ending of the second one is better than the first, though. Great job on the poem(s)!
i.am.pockets 2008-02-18 ch 1,	abuseBoth of them are good. The second version is really well written and gets the message across perfectly. The first one is good too, but in a different way because it goes off and talks more about the tennis ball idea. I LOVE the first two stanzas of the first one. I can really relate. Hope things get better for you. But hey! At least it gives you some good ideas for poems. --pockets
standing.in.the.wreckage 2008-02-18 ch 1,	abuseReally good. you described the conflicting emotions really well. good job keep it up
standing.in.the.wreckage 2008-02-18 ch 2,	abuseThe metaphor was amazing. it was just all really good, at the end with the tennis ball really good wa of ending it. good job keep writing.
multiples of six 2008-02-18 ch 2,	abuseI like the second version better. =) I did find it a bit confusing though.. at first I thought that there were two sides to the person the speaker is addressing, and then on rereading I figured out it was saying there were two sides to the speaker's feelings for this person. (I think?) But yeah, I like it. =)
darkreaperlurking 2008-02-15 ch 2,	abuseThat was a deep poem, I really enjoyed reading the last stanza.
a silenced revolution 2008-02-14 ch 2,	abuseThey're both good, but I like the second version better. It uses fewer words and is more effective and concise. The last stanza is really great. Good job with this.
Manuel Fajar 2008-02-14 ch 2,	abuseBlack & White 15 February 2008 Headingley, England Can there be day without a night? Only without rest Can there be love without despair? Only without test So, how should heart its love discern? Only other’s best So, how should mind and soul proceed? Only with great zest (p.s. ur up late!)
Kissing Concrete 2008-02-14 ch 1,	abusei love your comparison to a tennis ball- it makes perfect sense, i feel like saying, "now why didn't i think of that?" i love the last stanza best, the others were just leading up to it really.
purple x pen 2008-01-27 ch 1,	abuseoh brilliant! i can relate to this, i like the structure of this piece, i think it was done perfectly, very well written! amazing!
NoMoreWords 2007-12-10 ch 1,	abusewow a great way of wording something i went through once, but finding the strength to say 'stop it, leave me alone' was the best thing i did there, hope you found your way past it happily :-)
Blissfully Sarcastic 2007-12-08 ch 1,	abuseVery nice read. Liked the metaphor there--very powerful and easily understood. I especially like the first part of the last stanza. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

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