This story has a very intriguing beginning. I'll definatly be checking in for the next chapter!

Hmm, this is a very entriguing beginning; I'm interested in seeing where this is going to lead to. The only thing I found as a problem is that you have a tense error. Some sentences are in past tense while others are in present tense, so you should decide which one you are going to use in future chapters. I would say to use to use past tense; you used it more than not.

Overall, the content was great. I like your use of words and your metaphor of the chess game in the intro. I like the main character and what he told us about himself. He's a little funny, especially when he was telling us about his eyes. I'm interested in learning more about him. I am a little confused though; is he human, vampire, or a human with vampiric capabilities?

You're going pretty good so far-until next time!

vampires r da bomb, so i like this story. continue