|Reviews for Different and Cool FT 1: Look What Tarah Can Do|
| Persevera 6/17/13 . chapter 2
I love the imagery of Broodring, particularly the mushrooms like monuments and leaves like green fire. [broccoli tuffs]- I think that's tufts
[Andy smiled, walking up to her. "Looks like you're a little more popular here than at Starlight City," he said wryly, folding his arms over his stomach.]- This was a nice observation by Andy, who is seeing Tarah in yet another new light.
[bestial bulb]- Nice alliteration
[lazire fare]- laissez faire
["I don't know half of what this Broodring place is all about, but I think we can both see a weed when we see it,"]- I like how Andy is getting into the place and taking offense at Winston's saying something derogatory to Tarah
[A small part of his brain balked at the absurdity of arguing with foliage, but it was quickly drowned out by how darned irritated he was with that plant.]- I read this line three times and chuckled each one. It's my favorite, thus far—shades of Little Shop of Horrors.
I like the giant rose stem as a weapon. The thorns could be lethal and the rose end would make a great club.
Professor Clark is here too? I wonder if he introduced Tarah to the place or vice versa.
| lookingwest 5/11/10 . chapter 2
Great first sentence, awesome simile! Yeah, the whole first paragraph is actually just really well written. The descriptions are fascinating, they're almost poetic. It runs the risk of getting a tad flowery in prose but I think you balance it well, and because this is supposed to be more Fantastical it fits.
Jaggerflies, Dryads, Druids, Yggdrasseer-you've chucked this part full of Fantasy, that's for sure! You know, it's almost like Alice in Wonderland-esque to me so far. I like that-the different creatures you're coming up with are really unique, very Lewis Carroll! I'm not seeing much developing between Andy and Tarah but I think in this first part you're more focusing on the setting and the other creatures in it, and not so much on the development of their relationship. I do see that Andy's really taking things in though-he seems to be adjusting to the idea of Tarah having such a "tough" occupation.
"I changed my mind about that during a class assignment!"
-Very intriguing detail...I like how you worked it in.
I like to see Andy getting into it with Winston. It provided some light heartened character development and conflict too, at least until we get to a wider conflict. And it was fun to see Tarah being the mediator.
Bed Bug-good innovation, I like how you adapted what we know as familiar into something more fantastical. You've got quite the imagination! It blowing my mind, haha.
-Just use one exclamation point, otherwise it loses some maturity.
Loved the intro of the professor. I think you handled the action sequence really well too. So far this is a well written chapter, I'm not finding much to crit. for you!
Good falling action in the last two parts, you seemed to wrap everything up well, as if this was an episode of a show! Very well balanced with the description, action, climax, falling action, and resolution-it's all very clearly indicated with each part. So overall, I enjoyed this trip of Andy's, pretty creative stuff going on here. I wonder, are you ever going to expand it? It seems you left the end a little open for some more narrative room...?
| Backseat Benediction 4/26/10 . chapter 2
again, great first sentence. "The open skies stretched like a tarp above the world, covering everything with a veneer of snow-white and liquid-blue." lovely wording in that.
I also really enjoy your dialog; you portray your characters well and realistically.
| Backseat Benediction 4/26/10 . chapter 1
oh dear. this is a long chapter :P
anyways, you started off the story quite well by sparking my interest with your opening line. "parallel to the norm" is a great way of putting it.
suggestion - you might want to make separate chapters for each section that you cut off. it would make reading the story much easier. (:
| lookingwest 4/26/10 . chapter 1
-_- So one of those things happened with this where I was writing the review, almost done, and then lost it and everything was erased. So if none of the comments I make after this are completely clear, know I was working fast to catch back up with myself and get my thoughts down. *le sigh* I hate it when that happens but I refuse to short you a detailed review because of my mistakes.
So I started off by mentioning again, more so with this part than even Love's A Polygon, that I think it should be more than one chapter on fictionpress. It would work perfectly find as a manuscript, but for the sake of fictionpress I think you should do a little separating, especially for first chapter impressions. Your first chapter has to really be the very best it can be, and you've got such a great mature writing style! But anyways, these comments are more so suggestions than anything. Feel free to do what you will with the advice ;)
I like that you create a sort of magical realism right off the bat since before this I don't think we really go into this much detail about Dreamscape or anything, and it was cool to get a new POV from the character Park. I wasn't expecting this intro sequence at all when I began reading, so you definitley did something very original with it!
-Edit: use one exclamation point, no need for more.
This functioned like a prolouge for me, which again goes back to my comment about splitting them up. But I like the teaser of knowing that you've got a lot of fun stuff planned for this particular story. Are these just sort of extra tidbits that you wanted to write with Tarah and Andy, or should these be seriously taken as part of series? I was a little fuzzy on that, but either works, either stand-alone or not.
I like that we get this dialogue between Tarah and Andy, and that you do a little recapping. I also find it cool that you're able to balance so evenly your POVs and who's head your in. Because I don't feel shortchanged on either character and your use of going back and forth between following them in third person limited om is well done.
(Fireflies?) Andy pondered to himself...
-Edit: take out the parentheses and italicize "Fireflies?"
You do a good job of describing the forest through Andrew, I immediately got an excellent sense of your setting from various descriptions like the ground and the bugs ect. Instead of putting all of the inner dialogue thoughts in parentheses I would suggest just taking those out and doing italics, or if anything don't include the commas in with the parentheses, it formats weird and makes the pause seem like it's part of the inner thought instead of just grammatically where it needs to be. If that makes any sense.
Then, he felt his balance shift...
-Edit: omit comma after "then"
...and he felt warm, June warm.
In fact, up until this moment...
-Edit: omit "In fact" cap "Up"
Again, loved the in-depth description that you go into with your setting, there were many lovely details, and I also appreciated Andy's take on the action and his sarcastic voice. Loved the bit about the epitaph-that was very funny. It was great that you still had his personality shining through different action scenes mixed with the description. Cornflower-awesome name! Andy meeting up with Tarah was also a nice touch, their dialogue stayed realistic even within the fantastical setting.
| ainebear 11/3/08 . chapter 2
Very up-scale writing, with descriptive words. A few I had to look up (embarrassingly) Though it was very well written, but my guess is that it only appeals to experienced readers. So it's not all around friendly to every reader. Not a bad thing, just my judgement. The pace seems to jumps in quickly. Not necessarily a bad thing,again, but it went from normal paced day, to a lot of, er, strangness? Good for someone who wants to get right into the action. I enjoyed reading it, a bit on the difficult side. Maybe that is just me. Though it kept me wanting to read more and more. Had a nice feeling when I read, even at the suspenseful parts. Great spacing on paragraphs, and everything in your technique flowed nicely. No loose ends about anything.
| SyMph0Ny Of cOloRS 11/2/08 . chapter 1
Ok well you were pretty descriptive so that's a plus. I did notice a few spelling errors though so you should use spell check. It didn't really entertain me though and I usually don't like dragon stories. I think your characters seemed believe-able though. I felt as if they could be people I know in real life.
| Xephia 5/3/08 . chapter 1
Just a few errors, mostly spelling, but apart from that it was really enjoyable! I loved the fight scene, and your use of descriptive language is amazing. I could really picture Dreamscape in my head, eerie but at the same time, magical.
Your a really amazing writer.
| criti-sized 6/4/07 . chapter 1
Well, as I had stated before, I'm not really much of an anime-type reader, but I found the descriptions in this short to be very nice. Though I'm not sure if you used the same protagonist Park that was presented in the short that I reviewed you for previously, but it doesn't matter.
The short, though in need of some revision throughout it is worth the read. And the dialogue seems a bit estranged from the short in certain areas, as well as sometimes too much detailing is given, instead of a simple explanation that'll suit.
Your battle scenario was pretty nice and cut to a point where it was neither too enduring nor too direct, which is good.
As for the second short, I don't really see where they all come together, but found it a good read as well, there wasn't anything noteworthy of grammar-wise.
| Wicca Girl 5/15/07 . chapter 1
Nice chapter. UPDATE ASAP!
| The Ferrett 4/9/07 . chapter 1
I was just about to message you asking you to hurry up when you did THIS!
So our hero and heroine (m drugs - joking) are in fantasy land. May I say that you are also fairly decent at the fantasy thing. (BTW this is a response review to what you did during my reviewer's found week. You are going to have to be content with one as you are really running out of chapters)
But I digress,
The fight scene I'd say is a six with the core of movement and raw power being slightly dulled by the fact that the flow takes away the power and makes it more cartoony than real. Mind you, as fight scenes go it works.
The Tarah and Andy stuff I see happens between books (or in an alternate world after the first book) and it now seems that Tarah is the one being remarkably strange - good work ol' chap.
Would like to see more of everything. ::))